Jan. 20th, 2016

memorialrainbow: (Default)
Two second post from work while I still can. This place is teaching me how to and how to not run a business.

The A train stopped cold at 168th Street today. There was a door stuck and they had to take the train out of service and kick everybody else off. A few years ago, this would have been a big thing. Now, I guess I just don't care. I'm cold to it. It's not my responsibility to baby a train line. I have more important things to do, like try to run this office. (Emphasis on try.) I feel like I'm on a merry go round that's going to collapse, a walking disaster waiting to happen, where the stress level is always high. I'm grumpier to people now. My rage level is peaking high, and I don't like that at all.

I need to learn to see myself as separate from the job. Separate from my occupation. Even when that's music, or writing, or something creative. It exists, on its own, without me. Does it exist because of me? Yeah, I'm the one who got off my ass (or on my ass) and did the thing. But it's like kids. I don't just exist as my dad's daughter. I exist as my own person. So my jobs exist separately from myself, and they do take time and energy to do, but at the end of the day, I have to just let it be a job.

Which I'm actually really great at doing, and for some reason I don't want to do? I mean, it would be bad if work totally invaded so students were calling me at three in the morning with billing questions.

I'm afraid of starting over. I'm afraid of putting myself out there as a teacher and then having someone tell me I'm doing it wrong, that I'm too "whatever" to give Skype lessons, that I don't have enough experience in the real world to teach. I think about the things they tell me at work, that in order to have a leadership position they'll have to "whip me into shape." What does that mean? I still don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know I take things too seriously and I get stressed out a lot. I worked so hard to bring that stress level down, and yet I still snap into being perfect no matter where I go or what I do because it's what I'm used to. I don't know any other way to operate.

I think if I was able to do that for this job, I'd feel better about things. But everything is still important and urgent at the same time here. Everything is being presented to me in panic mode, and I'm internalizing it as my fault. We still don't have all of these contracts in, and I'm blaming myself because I wouldn't come in on my day off to work on them.

I'm internalizing the stress of this job, and it's affecting me horribly.

And I can either walk out and away, or I can find a way to stop internalizing it, and quick.

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