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[personal profile] memorialrainbow
What happens when you know you're being watched?

Well, depends on who is watching. Because if it's someone close and dear to you, then you'll shine above all else, knowing that you're in perfect sync with that someone. What if it was someone who was close and dear to you, though?

I've been at an impasse.

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I don't have the strength to get up in the morning, to fight it, to find my way. I know what I should be doing, but I can't do it. I blame different things. I blame no longer having God, taken away by someone much smarter and prettier and more in touch with themselves than me. I blame being cheated on, losing that connection I had with someone and yes, it was my fault, I deserved it somehow. I blame being alone, most of the time. I blame taking a job and too many responsibilities with that same job. I threw myself into people with the same passion I used to throw into my projects, leaving everything I've ever done abandoned by the side of the road, because I started believing that I shouldn't be here, shouldn't be as creative as I am.

Meanwhile, the people around me are obviously getting their lives together. My sister is all moved in in North Carolina. God bless her boyfriend, we all know they're getting married, fucking happily ever after. My girl's figuring out her whole grad program thing that may (hopefully) lead to something more permanent in the States. Garo is who knows fucking where, and it hurts even to think about it. Even the aforementioned God-stealer thinks he can still talk to me, has no clue what rifts he causes even when I think about him. I exist, and therefore, I should be contacted, lest there be peace in my life for once.

I went to work on my day off. It's been raining ever since Thursday. Tell me a story, will you? Not a story about Canada, that's too cold. Can you tell me a story about Trinidad? I sat under the shower for a little while and breathed, and felt even a little better. When I was younger, I always assumed I'd make it. Even up until recently, I've still continued to create content, but ever since October of 2014 it's been like pulling teeth to get anything to happen.

And there are definitely some explanations for some of that. My life sucked for the first six months of 2015 for very fuzzy reasons. I had projects but they all ended in either fistfights, snubs, or lack of funds. I didn't go to NYCC this past year, and I bet you I'm not going this year. Dvorak is all but DOA. I just feel really old and unaccomplished while everybody else is starting the rest of their lives.

But just because I'm a piece of trash doesn't mean I AM a piece of trash.

I got dragged out of bed early by the super, who said it would take fifteen minutes to fix a sink. It took him three hours. In my best efforts to stay awake the whole time, I still laid on my bed and played around with my phone. Roommate's dog came in and sat on me, ended up falling asleep next to me. This room is a disaster, but I don't have the energy to clean it right now. I barely have the energy to clean this.

What's wrong with me? I feel like I got a faulty product, and I need a return.
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