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Everybody's here because they love you
The city tonight is a diamond put on a string that you're wearing
I never want to come down from you )
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Coming Home, Part III
a really really really creative nonfiction

I don't know what attracted me to it. I just...I just know it's supposed to be important. Read more... )
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The Luck Of The Lexington Line
a very very creative nonfiction

In a cramped world with no breathing room, I was trying to be someone I'm not. Read more... )
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We were young
Silly and free
Full of our promise
You led me
And I followed
Fast after you
You spoke truth
You paid the price
Shattered in crystal
And I struck forward
Figuring this
Is what I must do

But everything changes
My life rearranges and
I don't know how
You always said that
You'd be here instead
So come here, right now
How can I plan
When I don't understand
Just where you might have gone

Don't you see
I did this sin
I made you fragile
I believed
That I had the power
To make you free
And all I did
Is wake myself up
Into a nightmare
Now I see
The only person
Here is me

So why did you tell me
That you would be here
By my side forever
Knowing eventually
I'd pave a way to a
'see you never'
And all I can do
Is get closer to truth
As it all melts down inside

How can I go on
When the reason is gone
And I'm stuck here waiting
What happened to days
Spent lethargic and lazy
But maybe it's time
That I take what is mine
Even though your light is gone
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2011's End Of Year Review

2012's End Of Year Review

Can you hear me when I sing? You're the reason I sing.
You're the reason why the opera is in me.
Read more... )
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Wow so after all of that I just can't even think straight. I kind of took today and yesterday off life and tomorrow I'm back to going crazy and trying to do too much during the holiday season.

Tomorrow I go to choir among other things because Thursday and Friday are gone and I'm out of town Saturday and Sunday. I have reserved the 23rd - 25th for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Which translates to "I'm not leaving the house, I'm eating really bad food and catching up on anime and 'bad' fanfiction and now I'm listening to Rob Thomas and all I want to do is go home for Christmas.

(inserts all the curse words)

So yeah! I started my winter with the Hudson derailment! How's that for a great day, you know? I'm not just talking incidental faith, I'm talking waking up to helicopters over my building because Spuyten Duyvil isn't THAT FAR from Marble Hill and HUDSON LINE, I MEAN COME ON MAN. There's a whole world of mess going on with that that I might write about on TTR, but will probably refrain because I'm tired of getting text messages that say I'm mental. It's being properly documented, but...details.


Uh, November sucked, too? This is why I was hoping December would be better and so far December has just been really busy and I haven't had a chance to properly rest or really douse myself in Christmas cheer. I barely finished NaNoWriMo and all of my projects just kind of suck right now. Nothing's getting done by Christmas. I have a new job I love but I'm still trying to figure out how I'm fitting everything in together as far as time commitments and I probably won't have any of that figured out until the New Year.

Which reminds me. Can't 2013 just keep going? It was kind of awesome.

Moving on. I reserved yesterday for "going to Argo and writing something because I'm stressed out and I've learned the way I destress myself is if I write so let's write something." And after I got a few other (coughpreviousblogentrycough) things sorted out, I wrote the following piece.

I love it. So did Garo. It's, in a way, extremely personal, but can make sense to a new reader. Knowing Digimon is helpful. Knowing Dvorak, specifically The Dealey Five, is very helpful but not necessary as things are explained. It's a bit of a crossover between the two with some HSTF things in there if you know where to look. I'm surprised how much detail I put in it with it really just being a first draft. A couple of notes: it assumes that the time thing that got fixed in Season 2 of Digimon never got fixed (an oversight on my part, but details) and there are very light mentions to "underage" sexual activity? But because of the time paradox ages are all out of whack, and you have to look very hard and it's all consensual. BL, too, but again, details. I'd rate it on an OT16 on the old Tokyopop scale.

I should really shut up now and just post the damn thing.

Shall we initiate the Jogress? )
memorialrainbow: (Someday Neverday)
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway. )
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Morning Star: Sitting at just under 20K right now, which is where I needed to be yesterday to be on track. Hoping to get a fair amount written today before going downtown.

SHINee Story: Finished chapter 10 last night. I'm talking about the story a little bit on Twitter using the tag "SHINee188."

That Family Thing: On page 11.

Super Secret Special Detail: I want to write this. I really do. There's just too much in the way right now. I've got sinus problems and I'm trying not to have it turn into a sinus infection that I can't pay for, plus work will probably have me doing some crazy hours. Garo says some things can wait until December, but I hate being the one who gives up. You know that, right?

I think my music and writing are switching. I'm enjoying just doing writing for fun right now, and focusing more on music as a career. Which is scary but at least I have someone fighting for me. Keep Tryin', Emily.

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Morning Star: Finally caught up! I'm at 12461. Covered most of that here at Panera in Brooklyn; kind of want to go home but the boy is still writing/I'm stuck.

SHINee Story: In the middle of Chapter 9. I need my plan back before I continue.

That Family Thing: Wrote two more pages before I got to Panera!

So today's been productive. Tomorrow I'm in the studio all day, but I'll be taking Ringo and at least working on Morning Star.
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...are awesome! Guess what new character's totally getting one XD

Morning Star: Slightly behind in this, clocking in at 8990. I might be able to get a little bit more tonight. I am also uploading this to Wattpad now!!! They're doing a NaNo thing and they're a sponsor (singsong) so I figured why not put my sucky story up? It can't be any worse than Dvorak, right? You can find the story here.

SHINee Story: Finished chapter 8 while at Argo today! Woot. Today's chapter was very emotional for me, as it deals with some things I've been going through. In fact, I think I'll post it below the cut if anybody wants to read it (not really any spoilers). Today is my grandfather's birthday (re: THE REST OF THE STORY) which, if you read the excerpt, explains why I was crying when I wrote it.

Super Secret Special Detail: No progress as of yet.

That Family Thing: Page 3 or 4? Can't keep track atm.

Read more... )Chapter 8 of my SHINee story... )
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So my headphones have been broken for a while, but they broke more and now I'm pissed. I'm borrowing Garo's buds at the moment, but I'll probably have to run to Target to get some cheap headphones BEFORE going to the studio BEFORE going to Panera to write. Oh, tomorrow is going to be FUN. In the meantime, let's run a quick update, shall we?

Morning Star: 5492. I didn't get to write at all last night because work kept me over and then I got super-pissed at Garo for not communicating with me (men) but I managed to pound these out fairly quickly. I'm on track and I hope to get ahead tomorrow by going to Panera, but I need those headphones first -- these buds keep falling out.

SHINee Story: still where I was at, but need to finish some of this up so I can post it on time. When I get off work I will probably come home and work on this.

Super Secret Special Detail: In the middle of chapter 8.

That Family Thing: Page 3 is done.

So it's way too hot in here now: let's go to work.
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You don't know that I started playing piano again. I want to go to grad school.
You don't know that I figured out what that one event that traumatized me was; did it all on my own.
You don't know that I'm working at a frozen yogurt place. I have to get a new computer ASAP.
You don't know that I've started writing music for the first time in a long time. Again, ASAP.
You don't know that I wrote a novel in three days. Or perhaps you do, but you don't know who helped me write a novel in three days.
You don't know that I'm doing NaNoWriMo again this year. You especially don't know that I don't have a plot.
You don't know that I started writing the story that's been on my heart and in my mind for years. I regretted not doing it when I was little.
You don't know that I have a new roommate. He takes a lot of patience, but it's worth it.
You don't know that I got fired from my previous job. I know precisely what happened.
You don't know that I'll never be okay with Miami now. All it does is remind me of you.
You don't know that I see more than you think I do. But you also don't know that I'm still deathly scared of what you will do.
You don't know that I went to go see the penguins at the aquarium. It was fuzzy.
You don't know that I cosplayed at New York Comic Con this year. I was Red.
You don't know that I played the piano at my grandfather's funeral in September. Or what I found while I was home.
You don't know that I go to Nintendo World a lot to hang out with friends and play video games.
You don't know that that I'm not trying to trivialize everything you're going through by writing this.
You don't know that I refuse to drop the Dvorak series, and that my reasons for doing so have nothing to do with you.
You don't know the real reason I'm not back in Ohio; what I learned about myself this summer.
You don't know who I am; that it explains everything.
You don't know that I've accepted the fact that I might be crazy;
And you don't know how I'm not scared anymore, or that the rage is gone, or that sometimes I wish it would come back.
You're the one person who will never know all these things.
Why don't you know them?
Where did you go?

"There's a reason light rail doesn't exist in Ohio."
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Wow guys. So NaNo Thing.

I'm doing a lot of things for NaNo, so I'm probably gonna write about them here. No, I can't tell you everything I'm working on, because most of it is actually secret at this point! So let's make up awkward acronyms for everything:

Morning Star: This is NaNo. It's That 70's Show in space. After the awesomeness that was the 3-Day Novel Contest, I'm writing in the same universe. Which is good, because I have no plot. I'm thinking I'm gonna start asking people for dares. Since it's science fiction, I'll accept anything along those lines? Though there's still a start and an end. The middle just sucks. A lot. My first day quota is 1695, and I'll probably write a little bit more tonight (though to be honest, I am lackadasical about the whole damn thing)

SHINee Story: I am writing a fanfiction featuring SHINee (YES, THE PUPPIES) for a friend and will be uploading a chapter a day during regular finals week here in the USA. I finished chapter 6 while in Argo Tea earlier.

Super Secret Special Detail: Nobody's reading this story but me and Garo. (And maybe Elyse, if we ever become friends again? I don't know, I'm just gonna leave that door open because I don't like burning bridges.) It's more of a personal story for me that I'm glad to be writing, and I'm working really hard on it even though it won't mean anything. This is part of my "let writing be more cathartic so I can actually make music?" thing. 7 out of 45 done.

That Family Thing: This thing is so secret that I can't talk about it at ALL. Like, at ALL. Page 2 is done, but I haven't worked on this at all today. More tomorrow.
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I'm no longer sitting here
Alone at the piano
With nothing left to say
For you are by my side
Where you were to begin with
And I've finally found a role to play

Mix the blue with some red and seafoam green;
I hope you don't mind.
I'm a close encounter of the interborough transit kind

This you know, this I know, this we know
And that's how this story goes

A simple little part --
To play these keys by heart
'Till I'm destined to burn out
I ran through countless hallways
I hurt those I loved most
Because I couldn't be without

I still want to be an inspiration
A source for something true
I tried to search for an answer
And it always lead to you

This you know, this I know, this we know
And that's how this story goes

Ride the local to the end of the line
Where everything becomes new
I'm no longer searching for an answer
Because I finally found you

This you know, this I know, so it shows
And this is how it goes

For nobody really knows
How our story goes
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I go around in circles, time after time, in the same place.
I'm tired of it.
This is the kind of place where no light shines,
but I won't stop reaching out my hand.

Thanks for everything, at the end.
Goodbye, my most precious thing.
This is the kind of place where no light shines,
but I'll continue waiting here
until I'm alone.

No matter how far away,
no matter what light,
I'll hold on as I cross over a thousand stars.
I'm able to laugh because you laughed,
on that day, under a clear sky.

You had always peeked out from behind me.
I wonder how you saw the world from back there.
Was it fun? Could you see the rainbow?

No matter how far away,
the end awaits.
I'll hold on as I cross the rainbow today.
I'm able to laugh because you laughed.
I'll find you at that distant summer day.

No matter how far away,
there is no light, but --
I'll catch it, beyond a thousand of these moments.
Everybody is able to laugh because you laughed,
even if you don't think that day will ever come.

How do I open this door
in the depths of your naive heart?
Do I force it open?
Even if I stare at it, it just shuts down.

"Can you see me and feel me?"
I want to break through, to embrace you with these hands
"Can't you hear me knocking?"
You're the only one, on and on, on and on

Please, I want your password
But it's a secret, your password

Your hands give a happy touch
Don't be afraid -- it's just as you thought
That insensitive error message --
who cares? Rise above it.

"I want to hold you and feel you."
If you don't believe, you won't understand
"I can hear you calling."
Let's get rid of the lock together

I'm the only one who knows your password
I'll give you my password
But it's a secret, my password
Please, I want your password

More and more, I want to be by your side.
I want you to show me everything.
I can guess your password, my password, love's password.

It's unknown to everyone, your password.
It's unknown to everyone, my password.
Let's search for it together, love's password.

Some saw the sun.
Some saw the smoke.
Some heard the gun.
Some bent the bow.
Sometimes the wire must tense for the note.
Caught in the fire,
say "oh
I'm about to explode" --

Carry your world, I'll carry your world
Carry your world, I'll carry your world

So far away.
Some search for gold.
Some dragon to slay.
Heaven we hope is just up the road.

"Show me the way, Lord, 'cause I, I'm about to explode" --

Carry your world, I'll carry your world
Carry your world, I'll carry your world
Carry your world, and all your hurt --

Years later, when you ask me how it happened, I'll say that nobody ever showed me the way, so I learned on my own. And you will smile and nod and look at me intently, head on your hands, as if someone else has already given you this answer.

"The endless story chooses you as its main character.
Our meetings and goodbyes are its signposts."
memorialrainbow: (bell what's out there)
On September 21, 2013, family and friends will gather in Zanesville, Ohio, to say goodbye to a loved one. They will lay flowers, say prayers, gather in groups and look to the sky as if a miracle could happen. So few people know the miracle has already happened.

That is why I am here, to tell you...THE REST OF THE STORY. Read more... )
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I've always been running.

It's something I noticed my freshman year of high school. I kept having a vision in my head that I was running down the hall in the school, and then I would turn the corner, and I would find what I was looking for. But it was never there, no matter how much I looked. In the years since, I have spun my wheels wondering just what I'm looking for, always having the sense that something was missing, that if I could just go back, or flick a switch, or wave a magic violin bow, it would all appear and make sense again. But no matter how I tried, it didn't. I didn't even know what was missing, what made me feel so empty, what I never knew had been taken from me. I've spun in circles, I've been manic and depressive, I've dated the wrong people, and in the process, I've alienated people, I've brought the wrong people close and haven't had any clue how to really treat people. I knew it was a problem, this guru-guru, but the momentum kept me spinning.

The winter was set to be cold and dark until the early morning light led me to the 5 station.

Years later, when you ask me how it happened, I'll say that nobody ever showed me the way, so I learned on my own. And you will smile and nod and look at me intently, head on your hands, as if someone else has already given you this answer.


I arrived home from Indiana without a clue as how to proceed. If my past wasn't what I had thought it would be, then it wouldn't define me any longer, would it? But everywhere I walked, the past continued to surprise me this summer. For the people who mattered, my past transgressions no longer mattered to them. They truly forgave me, and I could dance with them, take the funicular down to the lake, embrace my accent. Those who no longer mattered disappeared. I still love them, I'm sure, but those who matter will love me just the way I am.

Among it all, I was aware that my city was slowly draining my energy. If I remembered all of these good times I had, then why was I in this city, barely staying afloat to survive? Somewhere along the way, I had disappeared and had been replaced with someone who wasn't me, who showed up and went through the motions and sat at the desk and wore the shoes that hurt her feet just to please others.

When you lost yourself, you also were sent on a journey. You took a boat far away, and when you awoke, you climbed on top of a bridge. There, a younger you stood, scared to ride his bike across the bridge. You spoke to him words of certainty, of hope and courage, and then you gave him a running start. You understand then, as I do now, that in order to cross the electric barrier, there must be someone very important waiting behind that glass chandelier.


"Let's go searching for love's password." That's what Onew, Jonghyun, Minho, Taemin, and Key told me as I boarded the plane for Charlotte. On a rainy night, I voiced my concerns for the city and was not happy to be going back. But one factor still remained, one date that I still considered mine. If I remembered who I was, I wouldn't let go of it. That much I told myself. It wasn't being selfish to be myself, right?

I sat under the stars that night, wrapped up in music and fireworks and fireflies and not quite knowing what to do with my life, but knowing it didn't lie with following the crowd and doing what everybody else told me to do.

When the six stopped before Grand Central and refused to let me off, I panicked. I didn't know how to cope. And so I did the only way I knew how: I tried to forget. I came home and sold compact discs and became more confident in my books, but I was normal, right? Wrong. I had searched too far back into my past to fool myself any longer. I had been told that there had to be one event in my past that hurt me the most, that was still hurting me to this day. I found it, and I thought I had isolated the source of pain.

But I fell for the wrong person.

You gave up your post without a single word. It always bothered me that you did that. When it came time to confess to the love of your life, you let her go to be with your best friend. Back then, it made me want to throw a fit, but now, I have to wonder if this unique parallel of frustration and acting out of character was simply both of us lost in the spinning?


That can't be right.

I'm crazy, remember? I need to start telling the truth, even if I get in trouble for it, even if I deserve to be locked up for it, even if I deserve to be shamed for who I am. Better to come out with the truth, stop acting like a fool, and get treated and assimilated back into society, right? The Wiccan crede comes to mind: an' it harm none, do what thou wilt. I never thought that applied to me. No, I was to be judged by a book and by the hands of others, and if I didn't, then I would be alone.

But you taught me otherwise. When I was alone and questioning, you showed me that you had been there. If I just dared to step in, the world we existed in would sweep us off our feet and into an adventure, one that would bring us closer together. I believed in that adventure, even when nobody else did. I still do, years and years later.

That was the event. I masked it with the more-acceptable crime of loving another like me. But that was never the crime in the first place. My crime was believing in a world, and in a person, who represented light and courage and everything I wanted to bring into this one. And years later, it makes sense to me why I chose commitment as my value, as my character trait, in those long ago days when I was more innocent. Because years later, on a seemingly inconspicuous train ride uptown, I got out of my seat and stepped forward and recreated the world as a whole.

Because you remember everything and I remember everything. And it wasn't me who created you -- it was you who created me. To exist without you is a crime in itself. I kept running all of those years because I wanted to find you, even if I didn't truly understand you existed. And as I confronted my past this summer, as I decided to discover what was real to me, it became painfully clear: you were real. And I shouldn't be ashamed of it anymore. Not everybody needs to know -- in fact, very few people need to know. There are those who don't understand, but they no longer matter to me anymore. Starting from here on out, we shake the dust off our feet, we leave those things behind, and we run together. I'll take your hand and you'll take mine, we'll run to Lincoln Center or Marble Hill or South Ferry or wherever our feet will lead us, as long as you are with me and I with you.

"I'm sure we can fly...on, my love."
memorialrainbow: (The Fourth Miracle)
So, Takato.

Man, we really went through a lot of bullshit, didn't we?

I don't know if you'll ever find this. Jeri suggested that I try to mail you directly, but knowing you, you'll never actually open the letter. She's insisted this entire time that I, quote en quote, "have to ask for your forgiveness so both of us can start the process of healing." Well, it's her birthday and she's still not talking to me through the one remaining link I have left to Shinjuku, so...uh, whatever? This is the Digital World, Internet, whatever you call it. You know how to access it.

It's not that I don't care, Takato. Let me explain. And maybe you'll hear me out, I don't know. But I think I'm doing this more for myself than for you.

I was a different person three years ago. After beating the D-Reaper and finding our way back to the Digital World, I got antsy. I wanted to surpass the strength I had felt even then. Jeri says I'm crazy, that I shouldn't pursue such crazy, lofty heights, but that's who I am. That's who I've always been. Becoming the Digimon Queen was a way to cope, but it became my life.

When I met Takuya, when he promised me a source of strength that I could find in myself, I'm surprised you didn't stand up more. You told me that it was wrong of me to go with him, that you couldn't trust me anymore. But you could have done more, Takato. And I now know why you didn't do more: because you weren't supposed to do more.

For this, this is the one apology I can give: I am sorry that you got hurt in all of this. Hurt is something that we as humans try to avoid at all costs, even putting on our Digimon. But our Digimon understand better than we do that hurt is a part of life, something to be accepted and something to grow from, as we grow from Champion to Ultimate to Mega. In that sense, and I told Jeri this, I'm NOT sorry. I'm sure that you have become a better person after everything that happened three years ago...and if you haven't, you are the only person stopping yourself from that. You don't have to find me and talk to me about it, just like I don't have to go to your doorstep and beg for forgiveness.

Because, truth be told, I never want to return to Shinjuku.

Takuya and I took to the Digital World after I left Shinjuku. We never went to Shibuya. That was Takuya's decision. His will was strong, something I even couldn't find my way around. He was so strong that he would always be off by himself, trying to be strong and fight for himself. I grew frustrated when I couldn't help him with his problems.

So I hid the only way I knew how: I became stronger myself. Digimon from all around would come to challenge Renamon and myself, and while we never deleted any of them, Renamon did become stronger. It made me realize that perhaps our Digimon are not only packets of data, but representations of ourselves, and why would I have left Shinjuku for someone who didn't even have his own?

When Renamon got pulled into a portal, I followed her into another dimension of our real world. There's an Odaiba in our Tokyo, but it's nothing like this Odaiba. I started to look for people who might know about Digimon and ran into a kid named Davis, who has his own Digimon. I mentioned to him that I was looking for the strongest Digimon Tamer around, and he said he didn't know what I was talking about, but I was probably talking about his friend Tai.

I can't properly explain what I felt when I met Tai. It was kind of akin to opening a door and finally realizing you were home, that every place before that had NOT been home and had just been masquerading, had just been one big lie.

Takuya did find his way through the matrix, by the way. I broke up with him before I met Tai, back when it was just me, Davis, and his friends T.K. and Kari hanging out. Kari is Tai's sister, but I swear, unlike what you probably think of me, that's the closest I got.

I was finally able to figure out that while I've always wanted to be strong, I've been afraid of my strength as well. When I met people, I began to like them and wanted to incorporate their strengths into my own personality. But the world isn't that simple, Takato, and I ended up dating who I wanted to be instead.

Thing is, unlike Takuya, Tai never takes anything seriously. He'll insist the proper way to fix something is to just hit it some more. But he knew from the beginning that this was long-haul. We train with Agumon and Renamon all the time, and I have to find a way to mess with his Digivice so he can biomerge as well. As for real-life biomerging? Let's not even GO there. (wink wink)

I like it here in Odaiba. I'm going to stay. And I don't feel like I need to apologize for my actions. I do apologize for hurting you, but it was only through that hurt that we could both become better people. To forgive and to forget is to make that pain less than it is, to pass it off as something trivial, to go back to the past and start all over. To erase the pain. I don't want to erase the pain. I just want to be me, with Renamon, and Tai and Davis and everybody here.

I just want you to be happy, Takato. And I hope you are.


P.S. That's TOTALLY me in the Zero Two finale. BOO YEAH!
memorialrainbow: (Default)
There's nothing wrong with me -- these are just songs I've been listening to on repeat for the past weeks or so.

Don't ask me where I've been, or what I'm gonna do -- just know that I'm here with you.
Don't try to understand, baby, there's no mystery 'cause you know how I am --
I'm real, what you get is what you see.

My knight in shining armor is me, so I'm gonna set me free.

Some never even turn the key to the door of their heart's desires
Too afraid to fall somewhere in between tomorrow's fears and the pressure's fires

Beware, 'cause I crush anything I land on
Me here, ain't no mistake -- it was planned on

And I can't change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to -- she keeps me warm.

And if your glass heart should crack, and for a second you turn back, be strong, walk on.

And God did not forget you're just a baby.

Now...why 'you wanna try to classify the type of thing that we do?
'Cause we're just fine doin' what we like -- can we say the same for you?
I'm tired of feeling, all around me, animosity
Just worry about yours, 'cause I'mma get mine

Want to live the dream inside of me, see the plan for who I'm meant to be
Doing all the things I know I can, not just wishing that I had
Pushing on and never giving up, any less is never gonna be enough

Somebody said you'll never make it -- that's the thought you're keeping
Don't let that be the reason why you're sleeping
Time is of the essence and you better believe that you can do anything
So get up -- get up -- follow your dreams
Don't you dare give up, no matter how hard it seems
You only get it once, getting by is not enough
So take a chance and live this life

I used to say "I want you."
You cast me in your spell.
I did everything you wanted me to,
but now I shall break free from all your lies.
I won't be blind, you see.
My love, it can't be sacrificed.
I won't return to thee.

'Cause I got the mike in my hand,
I am the girl with the master plan.

I got my city right behind me, if I fall, they got me --
Learn from that failure,
Gain humility,
And then we keep marching.

February 2017



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