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Can you hear this voice?
Wandering bird, show me the way
to that far away place where we remembered life.

So that your heart does not waver against the sea,
I sing, in the words of your birth country.

Ambrrarista, looking at you, Ambrrarista
We share the same fire of hope in our eyes

The long ago, far away flowers
are just like the sound of a bell.
Like the west wind, let longing fly away.

Our hands and circuits connect.
Tell me, can anything separate us?

Kirinedra, the time is here, kirinedra
Inside the light, loneliness melts away.

Can you hear this voice?
Wandering bird, show me the way
Fog, night, storms -- only love cannot be stolen
Like a bird flying across the ocean,
in order for two people to know each other,
we seek out that far away place where we remembered life.

I want to touch you. Let longing embrace me.

Spoken in the words of my language:
美しい人, I love you, 美しい人
美しい人, I'll always love you, 美しい人
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The city alights at night.
I remember -- softly, secretly.
What are you up to in this city?
Where are you in this city?
Surely we can't meet again.

"Tonight, I will steal Su'diera'indo from the Metropolitan Opera." -- Stardust Rider

I let go of the love from long ago,
to meet you here alone again.

Do you hear me? *Can* you hear me? We are millions of miles away now, your eyes closed, and for all I know, you cannot hear me. But I will reach you! I will not stop giving up until the year passes, at which point my heart will be truly broken, possibly irrepairable. The light in my window keeps me going. I close my eyes and hear the train, the MTA, the subway that will take me home.

And now, I'm headed to where you are,
where in the warmth of this room,
where in the warmth of our hearts,
I'll know you once again.

Do you hear me? You better hear me! We're gonna steamroll into New York City and take it by storm! And I won't rest until I find my way, until I'm complete again. Until then, I don't know who I am...but once I hear your voice, once I am standing in your city, I pray for the wings under my feet and the push forward to really make something happen. You'll lead me, won't you?

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
There's no time machine, or utopia.

The fates have not been kind to this little girl with braids in her hair.
And yet, if one so aptly titled can rise above her mountain to disregard her spinning circuit and just to glow:
then how so ever more shall this stardust glimmer if only given the chance?

You can't save the world, but you saved me.
Your peace is inside me now.

"Since then, every single day...from that day on, I've been here! So you don't have to be alone!"

By your side, the seasons roll on.
The wishes you granted me weren't silly at all.

"It was you?"
"It was me."
"It was always you."

And now, I'm headed to where you are,
where in the warmth of this room,
where in the warmth of my hands,
I'll know you once again.

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Can I get my 2011 back? 2012 has kind of sucked so far. I got the floor pulled out from under me on the five train -- late, late, FUCKING LATE. And my new work schedule, while I like it, has me dog-tired.

I'd like to talk about two things tonight.

The first is food.

Oh, em, gee. I just went to Fairway to get some perishables and I'm so glad I did. I feel so much better now that I've arrived home with tomatoes and celery. I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with both; so tonight for dinner I had chicken salad with celery, along with about a half a tin of grape tomatoes (addicting!!!) and a bit of hummus and ranch. I'm slowly getting used to hummus. It's weird, but good. I just have to tell myself it's peas. Right? Maybe?

The other thing I'm noticing is that I'm not who I once was.

There's a disappointing difference between Ohio-Emily and New York-Emily. When I see me in Ohio, I see me in Brookover, hanging out in my apartment, eating food and watching TV and sitting down. When I see me in New York, I see me running to the ferry. Every time. That's just one of the things that has changed. Before all of this happened, I thought I was incapable of change. I was going around in the same circle, over and over again, the same rut and everything.

When everything started happening that summer, when my life changed...I can't explain it. Even now, a half of a year later. Although there is someone I need to thank for it -- and that person really is Dylan. See, if Dylan hadn't been such a dick and moved to Madison this summer to pursue his dreams, I wouldn't have gotten so pissed off at him. And I mean, I was really pissed off at him, because I had spent all that time waiting for him to graduate from Miami and NOW HE WAS LEAVING ME FOR AN ENTIRE SUMMER. What had happened to us going together?

But I figured, hey, he could go and get his foot in the door, and then either he can come home and stop dreaming those crazy dreams or he could become rich and famous and move me out there. And so I let it slide. Until I realized that by letting Dylan move, I had lost my riding buddy. And there was no way in hell I was going to let the summer pass me by without going to the Point at least once.

That was mid-June, when I saddled up my car and went to Cedar Point all by myself, because I could. The extreme success of that trip (known as the Royal Tour) led to the road trip to Madison for New Years. (For those of you who have lived under a rock, my New Year is July 16th at 10:00 PM. Every year. Don't ask why. There's a Chinese New Year, there's a Jewish New Year, and I get my own, too.) During this trip, I learned a lot about myself -- that I could drive with an eyelash in my eye, that I was capable of driving a car cross-state, and most importantly, that I could go to New York City all by myself. That was, honestly, the scariest thing I'd ever done.

(It was also during this trip that the 'ride warrior' idea that Cedar Fair has so fantastically planted in everybody's mind took root, and the entire drive home was spent immersed in a post-apocalyptic Point with a New York chick named after a coaster. YES, THUNDERBOLT, I AM LOOKING AT YOU.)

But more about that scary thing. I feel like my entire life, I've been able to hide behind what's easy, because I do it so well. I'm talking about my music. Whenever it came up, for a choice or what not, I was like, "Oh, I'll just do music with my life." It was never hard, because music was like breathing. So I went through life without a lot of trouble. The first trouble I really came up against was when I didn't want to become famous, so I moved home after graduating from Miami and started working at the Job. And even then, all I did was beat myself up.

Going into that city by myself...that was the scariest thing I had ever done. It reminded me of the first time I got on the Vortex. Anything else was like not living. I had to do it.

Back to my story, and then I'll talk more about how life = hard. If it weren't for Dylan, I wouldn't have driven to Madison and discovered all those things about myself. I really am capable of more than I thought. That's what I told myself then.

And then, in the space of one night...something really, seriously catastrophic happened. I don't like talking about it. Some people have an idea. TTR readers know what it is. It's a secret. And it has nothing to do with Dylan. But what happened that Thursday night was so life-changing that I had no choice but to move to New York as a result. What I had lost was so important that I couldn't wait to find it again.

That part of my life has been completed, and as a result, I'm now here. The Ohio Emily mentality is long gone. And Dylan is still here. He still pisses me off, and he pisses me off a lot, actually. But I love him. The cycle of hatred and misunderstanding has been broken, and I am confident in saying that Dylan isn't going anywhere.

He's that into me.

From what I've learned this summer, I want life to be hard. I want to take ownership and understand how life works, to do my own taxes and pay my own rent and not have anybody else do it for me. To 'drive myself.' Whatever that takes, I'll get there. I'll become a published author, and I want to work on my career in music, too. Not a fame-based career, something more along the lines of teaching or writing professionally. Something to keep me going until I find my way.

Until then, I have the Job. I understand that writing takes time. So I better get good at this Job -- not because it's something to do, but because I really do like it. And I love being there. It's enough that I think I'll move to the Island -- I still hate it, and I'd want to live close to the ferry, but not in a house, Aoiko. And perhaps from here, I can really, truly rebuild my life the way I want it.

I have Dylan to thank for that. I really do. I love you, so much. I normally don't gush about it a whole lot, and especially not on this blog. You changed me, sweetheart, for the better. Thank you.

And to you. You know who you are. You showed me that my life could be rebuilt, with the truth. I would follow you, and I will follow you, no matter where you go.

Because of you, I am never alone.

Thank you.
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Staten Island wants an interview.

The rest of my day yesterday went like this;

Still not counting my chickens, but come on, am I not allowed to be excited about this? (And I finally figured out why I got a rejection from Queens -- the same lady is in charge of both places. They don't need me both places.)

Plus, Dylan had a bit of news that I won't fill you all in on yet, in case he doesn't want me to spill it, but could def. help us in the long run.

In other news, I slept in today but anticipated that, I woke up early yesterday and could not get back to bed and it was raining this morning. I think I'm gonna stay in today, get some stuff done.

Ugh why is it already 5:00PM ugh.

Am I allowed to miss you?
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Quote of the Day - John Paul Jones - "If fear is cultivated it will become stronger, if faith is cultivated it will achieve mastery."

Thank you, Random Google.

So yeah. Welcome to August! Starting out with a shoutout to my parents, because if they didn't get married 24 years ago I wouldn't be here :/

I am completely obsessed with this song:

The song talks about someone special, and the things that we both share in common, poplars and crescent moons. I know I typo'd in the avatar, but I'm kind of okay with that.

The letter from Queens was real.  I'm just gonna leave that alone.

I spent most of yesterday doing the equivalent of nothing, just waiting, being patient. Should I continue to do this, or should I move forward? I don't know. I wish my boyfriend would talk to me.

Update: my HR person heard from the Staten Island recruiter! Do I have permission to dance in my underwear again?


Jul. 23rd, 2011 04:52 pm
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Day two of semi-miserable existence. I made a friendship bracelet last night at work, because I wanted to. It almost ended up being too short (oops) but Kassie made it work. Yay Kassie! It went on the opposite wrist, because this bracelet, I hope, will not stay on forever.

What's the bracelet for? Sore wa hi - mi - tsu! It's a secret.

Regardless of the secret status, it's something very important to me. I said on my Facebook that if you really want to get me riled up, you should break my heart, and that's what has happened. Not with Dylan, heaven forbid -- he's the one I called at three in the morning once it happened (thank you thank you THANK YOU dear for picking up your phone). I'm really doing all right in real life -- the biggest thing is that I know this will end, that I'll make my way around it. But the next few months are going to be stressful. I have to figure out exactly what I will be doing, and how I'll be doing it. I have to trust Dylan more now than I ever have.

But it's worth it.

Do you hear me? *Can* you hear me? We are millions of miles away now, your eyes closed, and for all I know, you cannot hear me. But I will reach you! I will not stop giving up until the year passes, at which point my heart will be truly broken, possibly irrepairable. The light in my window keeps me going. I close my eyes and hear the train, the MTA, the subway that will take me home.

I will find you.

I will find you.

I will find you.

The subway speaks to me.

Follow that boy.
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