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Five and a half hours is a long time to be stuck in LaGuardia. Read more... )
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In reality, it has everything to do with timing.

I grew up with expectations. I’ve gone guru guru on this blog about that. It was do something with your talents or else. There were no middle grounds when it came to what I had been gifted with. But somewhere along the line, those who were in charge stopped seeing me as a tool and started seeing me as human (what a weird thing to be).

I wrote before on Facebook, when I was still writing Facebook notes (during my years at Miami, before I started publishing MemR) that I wanted the ability to choose. If it was my destiny to be something other than a famous musician, then I wanted to be able to choose that destiny for myself. It took an extra year at Brookover to realize that, and I think moving to NYC made my parents realize that I am my own person. And if it took the condition that I was living in the world’s greatest city to get there, well, so be it. I kind of had to come here anyway (let the reader understand).

But regardless, I am a woman with the power to choose for herself what the future holds, a woman who (for the most part) pays all her own bills and decides what apartment she lives in and holds that power like a torch. And perhaps I’m not an idiot for wanting to be a woman, instead of a girl. A girl listens and does what she is told at all times. A woman is free from that requirement -- at least, that’s my definition of it. Women aren’t children and therefore do not have to be submissive to their parents. Women just have to be women, with whatever dominant or submissive power they themselves have, and to own that power whatever it may be. The most important factor is that everybody has the power to choose for themselves -- no matter who they are. I believe that’s what America was originally founded on.

But I’m not gonna get on a soapbox right now. I’m just figuring out that I have potential to be a whole lot of things, and that my mother will not be mad at me for wanting to do these things, and being free to make these decisions -- it makes me happy. Who knows? Perhaps destiny really did start to spin again a year to the date. All I know is that I’m a different person than I once was, and I’m not really sure how I got there. It happened somewhere between NYCC and now.

Okay, that rules in one change. But other than the obvious.

Although one part of it is even more obvious now, ever since the onseason started again. Why do I feel so different? More secure in myself? I have a thought as to an idea, one that I have investigated before but in another. Perhaps I felt so stagnant, so guru guru all last year, because I was missing one very important component. And now that I have that component, it’s all ‘arms down, head back, and hold on’ and I don’t know what to do except directly that.

God throws things at us when we’re ready. And I’ve finally reminded myself that I’m ready. And I’m coming back to that for good this time, with a lot more expertise and a confidence in the woman I’ve become, in the woman I’m becoming.

Tuesday morning, in the dark...

I think it comes down to this, stranger: I grew up when you weren’t paying attention. All I had to do was jump on the train and I was whisked away from Neverland (more irony, let the reader understand) and to the land of the living, for the first time. And it’s possible to have both worlds. And it’s wonderful. We often said we were a team; when we let fear get in the way, we stopped being one and I started working by myself. And now, I have a new team of resources from both of my worlds that I have every confidence will not give way.

And we guru guru back to the start.

You are not someone you’re not. You’re only what you are, what I have made you, what you have claimed as your new identity. You don’t have everything figured out yet -- you’re just a kid in so many ways. And yet, you have this incredible maturity, this drive about you, that unwavering desire to be a part of something bigger than yourself. It’s what drives me to worry about you, not because you’re careless and you forget, but because, let’s say, endless sodium is an effect of your master plan. And as you find yourself, I am absolutely fine with running parallel to you, finding myself as well.

Mom and Steph will be in the city this weekend. I’ll have a lot of explaining to do. But I’ve changed ever since time stopped. I couldn’t control it, but I am ever grateful -- greatful -- for it. Maybe I’m not who my parents or my peers wanted me to be. But I am now who I wanted to be, even though I never knew what that was before.

Tonight, we will stay up late and drink Code Red and eat birthday cake Oreos and I will practice spelling words in squiggles and katakana. And when the local train lets us down at 168th, when “the (six) train is too late,” you’ll lead me up the elevator to where the train stamped with our city’s colors, and a registration tied into my own destiny, is waiting.

At the start...at long last.
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I think that happiness is overrated.

Now, I’ve spoken on this subject many times before, but this is another time that I am discovering this. The Bible touches on it a lot, how we are supposed to suffer with a smile on our faces. Society tells us that we have to strive to be happy and do what we want. But in reality, what does that lead to? We always keep wishing for something more.

I don’t think it’s about suffering on purpose -- I think that makes you a martyr. But if things are bad you have to know that God is the one orchestrating everything, He’s in charge, and He’s always got your back. So you shouldn’t insist “God is the one doing all these bad things to me,” but you should be able to find peace in the storm and the strength to keep walking in it.

I think I originally got that wrong; always thinking that I had to suffer if I wanted anything good out of life. That it was my destiny to suffer. I can think of any number of verses that distort this. And yeah it goes back to that argument of society’s commercialization versus the path of righteousness, but I think there’s a middle ground there. I also don’t think that you should stay with someone who is clearly hurting you, or a situation where you are being hurt; I think that God wouldn’t give you anything you’re not able to handle -- and that for 100% sure is biblical. The question then is who gives us our troubles? God doesn’t, although He sometimes lets the devil tests us (Job). The rest of troubles are brought about by us, and the sin that happens when we divert from God’s track; take the Dyre Avenue Line, to give an example. That doesn’t mean there’s a direct 100% right way or you die and you’re a (words I can’t type because I’m at work).

The bottom line is: if you lose control, if you’re floating all guru guru and spinning in circles and not really going anywhere, it’s your responsibility to break out of that, to face forward and start going on the right track again. God lets us walk away in order to ultimately bring us closer to Him, in one way, shape, form, or another.

And as I write this, I think I fully understand the meaning of what He wrote. And I think He’s ultimately in charge of this. Not the most conventional way I’d go about the entire thing, but it seems to work. And as we both walk forward on the White Plains Line, I think God will use that link to strengthen both of us; it’s my prayer that He does, at least. I finally realize that I did not choose this; those are powerful words.

So it’s not happiness that I’m an opponent of. It’s the worthless pursuit of making things happen just to make them happen; it’s lethargy, in all its forms (you know who I’m looking at, let the reader understand); it’s the comfort zone of knowing where you want to stay and not striving for more; it’s staying with the person you love because it’s safe, even though they are no longer connected to you. “Why would we rather put ourselves through (heck) than sleep alone at night?” It’s contentness, in all its forms; it’s civil war for the purpose of fighting and fighting alone to cause drama and to shake up the world; it’s trying to solve a problem with registrations and installations you yourself create; it’s waking up earlier than God intended you to.

I always wondered how God could let “that” happen. And yeah, I know I’m here in the city because of it, I know that if everything hadn’t happened the way it did I might not be here. But I might. He knew I loved the city, and even though he was against it, I’m positive he would have embraced it for my sake; but now I’m thinking it was God’s divine intervention to keep him in the place where his heart desired and ultimately has thrived (let the reader understand). And in doing so, He began the path that would ultimately lead me here.

So now what am I doing? Trying to patch together a solution by running wires and manipulating ties? Those who are loudest and push for their own agendas are farthest from God. It’s the quiet ones, the submissive ones, who get it. And I think we could all take a page from that in a way that does make male and female equal. Yes, God created us different, but somewhere along the line people started viewing one skillset as more important than the other, causing the problems we have today. And I have to wonder if this is another example of pushing one’s agenda (furthering a career or traveling around the world or what have you) over God’s. I’m not saying God’s will is the only thing you need to be doing (as that desensitizes the entire situation and makes women objects!) and I’m also not saying that every person on Earth has to become a mindless slave to the system of furthering on our process. Rather, far from it: the process should be as unconventional and as specialized to each person, each area, each country as possible, whether America or Japan, whether Indiana or Arizona or Ohio or wherever.

But I digress. If God calls you to corporate, go corporate. If God calls you home, go home. If God calls you to be a roller coaster, then for goodness sake, be the most awesome roller coaster you can be. One must be flexible and always listening for His voice, steady in their dedication to the track but always willing to move along that clothoid loop, that batwing, that bunny hill or overbanked turn.

But you can’t be content. You can’t sit on your butt and eat ramen for the rest of your life and guru guru. You can’t work at the same restaurant that frustrates you. You can’t refuse something just because you’re scared. And you cannot fail to rise to the occasion to claim what is rightfully yours by birthright, lest you trade it for the soup of contentness and forever fall out of favor.

You can’t fall to your hormones somewhere between Canal and Spring on the N line. No matter how you may protest, subway trains don’t go backwards. To make it work, you have to take the N to 42nd, transfer to the 2, up to 149th Street Grand Concourse where the White Plains Line begins. And once you accept that, once you turn and you don’t look back and you embrace what God has put right in front of you -- instead of trashing it or ignoring it or treating it horrible -- God’s will is made clear, in the form of a mirrored parallel and two hearts becoming one. For what God has brought together, let no man -- or angel -- tear apart.

(stamp) Destiny.

It’s not what you think it is, Oginome.

I guess I can use this as a suitable analogy. One of my favorite anime, Mawaru Penguindrum, features a school girl by the name of Ringo Oginome (her name is Ringo for the same reason that my computer’s name is Ringo). Her older sister, Momoka, died a long time ago before she was born, leaving behind an eerie diary that foretells events that happen. Momoka’s death tore apart her family and those Ringo has come to love, and she senses something’s not right. The way she tries to fix this is by becoming Momoka in her place, recreating the curry her family used to make and trying to get in good with Momoka’s old love interest, to the point where it obsesses her (my associate keeps saying she’s ‘psycho’ but I prefer ‘misunderstood’). See, the problem is that nobody can properly replace Momoka. In order to really make destiny happen, Ringo just needs to be herself and to let those around her (read: Shoma) lead her to that place with sunshine and flowers where she can be truly joyful.

Of course, this IS Penguindrum we’re talking about, let the reader understand. Destiny starts to spin, and until Kanba and Shoma make everything right and bring the truth to light again, it will continue to guru guru for them as well. The theme song even makes reference to this: “destiny begins to spin.”

As it does now.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why the six train is too late.

032513

Mar. 25th, 2013 03:54 pm
memorialrainbow: (Default)
I posted information about Dvorak on the Facebook page just before the weekend. I know one of my friends has some ideas for the story, but I want to wait until I actually get some ideas in writing before I really try to form it. I don't want for one person to run the entire story. I also reserve the right to not tell where I got my ideas from (at least not right away).

Drama.

Something that should be avoided at all costs, but something that I inadvertently caused. Since I have trouble forgiving myself, I can't just let it go...although in many ways I have. I think I might write a story about it -- in fact I think I know what to do in particular. It'll have to stay a secret up until the 3 Day Novel Challenge, though, which I will be participating in this year (no question, it's happening -- it's on the Grand Master List). If I'm able to, I'd like to be able to write a story that I now know by heart, a tale that I once almost completed a long time ago but completely scrapped post-Summer of Supercharged Hearts. It only exists in small fragments now.

But it's never left me alone, and if I'm going to write a novel in three days, I might as well make it a story like that.

I'll hash it out with my team and see if it will work.

In the meantime, I do my best with the secrets I have, with the way I'm able to manipulate the world, praying that everything will shake out the way it needs to...and praying for a break.

I hope to get one this weekend.

Also, this is the last time I try to post from work. >//<
memorialrainbow: (Default)
Each person is different. Each person sees the world differently. Each one of us has our own reality.

Problems arise when realities clash.

You are afraid of me because I’ve hurt you in the past, and you’re afraid I will do it again. But I am afraid of you for the exact same reason. Because we both expect bad things from the other person, we cower in fear, we run away. But I’m the only person you have, you say. No matter what, therefore, you can’t really properly run away.

I’m all you’ve got.

The positions we are in now make it a lot easier, from a vantage point, to decipher what these trying times have meant. And it makes me see that each person does have their own reality. When two realities come together -- when two tracks meet -- we search for ways that our realities match. And we often find things we both like -- Breakfast at Tiffany’s -- and things we’re not so hot on.

And we overlook how the realities clash. At first.

But those are lives, realities, that we have made for ourselves over years and years and years. We are not so easy to budge from our prejudices, things we have been taught, ideals we hold for ourselves, ‘the way things should be.’ This is even more true when the realities clash so hard that it leaves your entire families reeling. What would it be like if I came home with someone from a different country, or race, or gender? What kind of clashes would I have to first overlook before I myself could bring that person home? Should I even do so? Furthermore, should these clashes be avoided at all costs, to make sure there is no hurt done and no feathers ruffled, or should we purposely leave muddy footprints all over ourselves? It’s a question of whether we follow or lead, and there’s not a right answer to either.

The only answer I give then is to choose what you want, and to be unwavering in your conviction for it. Whether that’s a music career or to marry the love of your life, as long as you are dilligent and fulfill your responsibilities to the utmost of your potential, you will live life with no regrets, you will live it in the way you want, and I’m sure God will somehow be pleased.

And one more thing -- do not let harm come to yourself or others. If all you are doing by being with someone is destroying both of you because neither one of you has an appropriate view of their reality, then something must be done.

From here on out, I have to live my life to the best of my reality as possible. But I’m also aware that other people do not share that same reality. It doesn’t mean that they are better and that my reality must mold to theirs (lest I stay worthless) -- it just means that we need to come to an understanding of what this truth, this shared reality, truly is. It means compromise, it means cutting the puffy sleeves off the dress but keeping the dress, it means meeting in the middle ‘neath that old Georgia Pine, it means when she leaves Amarillo to take that job in Tennessee, sometimes you have to quit yours so you two can be together. It also means I need to stop making references to old country songs.

But it means that the two of you create a shared experience, and that’s something nobody in this world can replicate. Your parents may prepare you for the world ahead, but they won’t have quite the hold on your sociology once you leave and discover things for yourself. We all rise, we all fall, and that impacts each and every single one of our realities. And we must decide for each and every one of us what is the truth in our lives.

Now, I’m sure someone is gonna argue me on this one, saying there is only one Truth. Okay. But what will you do if someone dosen’t accept that Truth? Ignore them, shun them, isolate and discriminate against them? Is that okay by your Truth to do that to them? There is no line between slave and free, black and white, male and female. If someone has a different version of reality, get over it.

It’s hard. It’s the most confusing and scary reality I’ve ever faced, one that is so similar and yet so different from mine. I have to play by your rules, by your system, in order for this to work. But I’m willing to.

Are you?
memorialrainbow: (garden)
I woke up this morning with a headache the size of Cedar Point, and it all went downhill from there.

I drove for miles just to find you and find myself.
All these screams, all these voices in my head.
You gave me strength, gave me hope for a lifetime.
I never was satisfied...


What do you do when you can't pick somebody off of the ground? I used to be in charge. I used to understand what I was made for. I used to know that it was up to me to save the day, to pull through, to make things better for everybody else. And then something came along that showed me that I could stand up for myself. He showed me because he stood up for himself. He didn't take crap from anybody. He just didn't care. What has that boy been reduced to? I'm finally learning how to claim something for myself, and now all I want to do is jump in and save him. Is it okay to save him? Should I be saving him? He would say no; that he does not need saving, that he can do this himself. But that's not the picture I'm getting.

This time won't you save me
This time won't you save me
Baby I can feel myself givin' up
This time won't you save me
This time won't you save me
Baby I can feel myself givin' up


I sit alone here. But I'm not completely alone. I have my God to save me, a fact that I've been constantly forgetting for the past, oh, couple months or so. Who am I to think that nobody will be here to stand up for me? Maybe February's just rough. Maybe I need to move someplace with less snow (lol, Jake). Once again, it's a crucial time in my life, and I don't know if I'm running away or to where I need to go. My heart, my mind still yearn for New York City. I went there last night, in my dreams. What does it all mean? Why don't I have the strength to make a decision?

It's not your fault.
I'm a bitch, I'm a monster.
Yes, I'm a beast, and I feast when I conquer.
But I'm alone on my throne
All these witches
I came this way -- all this way -- just to say


I'm still way too focused on making everybody else happy. I'll do that. No, I won't do that, because my dad wouldn't like it if I did that. I'll do this instead. No, my boyfriend won't like that. So I'll do this. And I keep running around and around in circles until I end up doing nothing, like right now...when I'm stuck here. Does anybody else understand what I'm going through? Is there anybody out there who feels my pain?

This time won't you save me
This time won't you save me
Baby I can feel myself givin' up
This time won't you save me
This time won't you save me
Baby I can feel myself givin' up
I'm givin' up baby, yes
I'm givin' up baby


Feels like I've been driving for miles and I can't seem to silence these voices in my head. Who'll save me?

Am I supposed to go home?

I don't even know where home is anymore.

But I'm only waiting for one person's response.
memorialrainbow: (garden)
I've considered myself to be in a constant state of morning lately.

No matter what I do, no matter where I go, it's morning. When I wake up at two in the afternoon, it's morning to me, so I say 'good morning' to people. I go on saying good morning up until it's night for me...and then it's midnight, and it's morning for everybody else! There is no more day. There is only morning.

I also oftentimes consider myself to be in a state of 'mourning.' Perhaps I'm too hard on myself, but I want to be able to reach higher and higher. I think that's something a lot of people in my generation can identify with. Wanting to do our best, no matter our reasons for doing so. And yet, I think we hold ourselves back.

It kind of reminds me of the people in Egypt and the other Middle Eastern countries (forgive my geography, I do read Time, but I'm not perfect). If they can rise up, so can we. But I'm not asking for a rebellion of our government. I think it's time for a revolution of the way we think. When I started thinking in terms of absolutes, realizing that I only have this one life, I realized how much I want to do with it. How precious it is. How it's not important to die, and how it is important to die at the right time, only after we have done everything we have wanted to do. It's like a good day at Cedar Point. You gotta fit all your stuff in while you're here, and only then can you peacefully sleep. I don't know, maybe ghosts with unfinished business do exist somewhere in this world. But I don't want to be one of them. I want to go when it is my time, and that is why I'm not scared anymore. Threats of darkness no longer scare me the way they once did. Once you see past the illusion, that's all it is -- an illusion.

What do you do with the illusion once it is broken? You can either reteach it to your children, or not have any children at all. Maybe that's not entirely true. You either believe in it, or make your own path.

"You can't break me, because I'm already broken/Aren't we all?"

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