021016

Feb. 10th, 2016 11:39 am
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Haven't posted here in a short bit. Got sick a week ago and had to go to the urgent care center -- wanted to make sure this sinus issue I had was actually a sinus infection and get treated for it. It wasn't ^^;; but they gave me some options. I have learned that Claritin either makes me loopy with Flonase attached, or makes me want to kill everything in sight. Monday was not fun.

I moved on Sunday! It was a good move except all of my stuff is still in boxes because I've been at work 24/7 basically. I'm fairly certain these pants have been worn for five days in a row. I want to work on my fanfiction for part of today, and might actually do so right now before the shit hits the fan/while I'm working on background stuff. Not too much I can do while the potential for being interrupted is high.

The boss is out of the office on Monday and Tuesday and I have some ideas as to what to do those days. I'll probably have to still work at the gym, but piano is fun :)
memorialrainbow: (bell what's out there)
Writing again because I inherited the laptop at work and I have a chance to think. I'd be writing in the records, but at least this way I can work and make phone calls at the same time.

It occurred to me last night again that I take everything too seriously. Even something I guess as fun as karaoke has to be a performance, and I should be ashamed if I don't do my best in it. After waking up like a mess this morning, I gave myself a hard time about it until I realized what I didn't know until last night: that letting yourself off the hook is the key to being human.

I'm not fully here. I feel like I'm in the longest (though thankfully not most severe) panic attack ever. I'm a little ghosty. I'm disocciating but I'm going in and out. I called in and said I was sick, which is true but more from a mental health standpoint than a physical health standpoint. I feel like all of my strength has been sapped. But thankfully my spirit is okay. I refuse to be the victim in this situation. I'm not going to beat myself up, but I'm not going to go super soft on myself as well.

They're helping me out today. I feel like I'm getting more done. Then I'm gonna stop by MJ's and then go home and work on the jeans I'm currently wearing. And I'll be okay. I'll always be okay.
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Stayed out way too late last night. Did NOT get drunk but left at 2 and got home at 4 because the trains sucked. I dreamed that my ex was at the gym and he leaned over and hugged me and I tried to squirm away, but I couldn't. And then I learned he was working there now and would be closing with me, and I put him to work doing something upstairs, marched downstairs to the manager's office, and said to the manager, "Who the flying hell hired my abusive ex?"

Today is gonna suck.
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Two second post from work while I still can. This place is teaching me how to and how to not run a business.

The A train stopped cold at 168th Street today. There was a door stuck and they had to take the train out of service and kick everybody else off. A few years ago, this would have been a big thing. Now, I guess I just don't care. I'm cold to it. It's not my responsibility to baby a train line. I have more important things to do, like try to run this office. (Emphasis on try.) I feel like I'm on a merry go round that's going to collapse, a walking disaster waiting to happen, where the stress level is always high. I'm grumpier to people now. My rage level is peaking high, and I don't like that at all.

I need to learn to see myself as separate from the job. Separate from my occupation. Even when that's music, or writing, or something creative. It exists, on its own, without me. Does it exist because of me? Yeah, I'm the one who got off my ass (or on my ass) and did the thing. But it's like kids. I don't just exist as my dad's daughter. I exist as my own person. So my jobs exist separately from myself, and they do take time and energy to do, but at the end of the day, I have to just let it be a job.

Which I'm actually really great at doing, and for some reason I don't want to do? I mean, it would be bad if work totally invaded so students were calling me at three in the morning with billing questions.

I'm afraid of starting over. I'm afraid of putting myself out there as a teacher and then having someone tell me I'm doing it wrong, that I'm too "whatever" to give Skype lessons, that I don't have enough experience in the real world to teach. I think about the things they tell me at work, that in order to have a leadership position they'll have to "whip me into shape." What does that mean? I still don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know I take things too seriously and I get stressed out a lot. I worked so hard to bring that stress level down, and yet I still snap into being perfect no matter where I go or what I do because it's what I'm used to. I don't know any other way to operate.

I think if I was able to do that for this job, I'd feel better about things. But everything is still important and urgent at the same time here. Everything is being presented to me in panic mode, and I'm internalizing it as my fault. We still don't have all of these contracts in, and I'm blaming myself because I wouldn't come in on my day off to work on them.

I'm internalizing the stress of this job, and it's affecting me horribly.

And I can either walk out and away, or I can find a way to stop internalizing it, and quick.

042711

Apr. 27th, 2011 04:48 pm
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It's, like, disgusting right now. I can literally hear the wind outside. Saw on Twitter that there is a tornado watch until I start my shift at my job. I need to find my meds before I go to work, because I will probably start things off with a HUGE headache. I've been dreading today ever since Monday, when I figured out that there would be maintenance tonight. Not really happy about that either.

I just turned on "Shining Collection" from Gravitation, and it reminded me of this year's Ohayocon. During the formal dance, they played this song, and a cosplayer dressed up as Ryuichi got on stage and started to sing, which generated a mosh pit. After that, cosplayers dressed up as Yuki and Shuichi got on stage (note all of the cosplayers are girls, as which frequently happens with Gravitation), and Yuki proposed to Shuichi on stage, which of course got everybody screaming. Some girl behind me said it was the best Ohayocon ever. And Dylan just stood there the entire time like, whut? (It's okay. Really, it is.)

I love how he recognized the Gravitation music from CyberLight. Witness the power of sparkling on stage.

And then Green Day turns on, and we're done with that.

I'm watching tosh.o on Comedy Central, which reminds me of this most recent Spring Break. Apparently Tosh is the only thing on TV at 12:00 midnight...or at least the only thing my boyfriend wants to watch. It was pretty funny staying up late at night to watch it, considering I couldn't really sleep. Too much going on, and so much to see and do. It was really overwhelming.

Right now I'm adding information on how to find all of the episodes of HPP! onto the Pretty Cure fan wiki. It's a bit time-consuming, but at least it will be done. Should have done that from the beginning. And I just realized that I left all of my food at home. Great. I'll need to make a short Kroger trip now before I head to work. Although if I head to Kroger, I can prepare for my Bad Day At Work in style. I've done it before, and it perks up what should have been a bad day and makes it an okay day.

Like tabloids. I don't mean the trashy ones, I just mean like People and InTouch and the like. So easy to read, so easy to lose yourself in, but worthless if they don't come with crosswords. A good crossword will last me about an hour at work, which is wonderful especially when you're on the phone back to back with customers. I can't write anything during that time, or even really read, but I can have that track going in the back of my mind and wonder what a four letter word is for 'ocean' while someone's box is rebooting. Packed my DS for lunch break, and if things get slow, I might try to continue to write some of the lyrical stuff I've been doing.

Remember when I went to Nashville? How my music was good, but the lyrics left a little bit to be desired? Mostly because all the music I listen to is in Japanese? I'll probably have straight-up poems to read at open mic night tomorrow, because I've been thinking of ways to weave words together and make things work. Hasn't worked quite lyrically yet, but with every song, I get better. My music isn't just for me anymore. I want to make a perfect merge of music and lyrics. I feel like I really accomplished that well in Midnight Rave -- even though nobody will know what the song is about, really, they can get a picture of what's happening from the lyrics. I wanted to write something Owl City-ish, where even if it doesn't make sense, it gives you pictures, thoughts of "a girl whose hair is blue" and "midnight chiming by lines of gold." It makes you think, but then it also has simple love lyrics.  (Dammit, Mill, come home!)

On that note, does anybody have any great music that they love that they would like for me to listen to?  The catch is this: the lyrics must be English.  I'm trying to listen to as much as I can -- I want to write both artsy and radio-ready stuff.  Monday, when I felt like crap, I went to Newark and bought the new 30 Seconds To Mars cd, and that had some *interesting* lyrics, I tell you.  Anything and everything would be great, guys, even if you don't have an MP3.  Make me buy the stuff.  Or look it up on Vevo.

Stinking Ohio weather.  The high for today was 68.  The high for tomorrow is 40.  Can I move early?  Please?  I have HAD IT up to here with Ohio weather.  Seriously, it wasn't even this bad in Indiana.  And I remember Indiana.  It's true that I've been in Ohio too long.  I love Ohio.  Seriously, I do.  But even being in Zanesville is okay as long as I'm myself.  I go to the toy section of Target.  I play with dolls and Legos at my desk.  I have a full 96-pack of crayons in my possession.  I know this won't last forever, and I'll get professional and understand where I need to go and how I need to do things.

But I think I'll be a kid up until I decide to take one on.  You can't grow up too soon, I suppose.
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Dear Heartcatch Cures,
Words cannot express the sadness I felt when your season ended. It was true sadness, but my Heart Flower did not fully wilt, because I knew that you would live on in our hearts forever. (My Heart Flower only wilted when it turned to February and I had nothing else to look forward to.)

Tsubomi...you in particular have been an inspiration to me. You started off in Kibougahana not really knowing what you would want to do with yourself, only knowing that you had this dream of Cure Moonlight...and through it all, you have risen to the challenge. You and me are friends, buddies, sisters. I see you in me, and I see me in you, when you are afraid, when you don't know what to say. You will always be one of my favorite Cures, and probably the one I would cosplay as if I had the choice to. Erika might make more sense because of my body type, or Yuri because I'm older (and more top heavy...O.o) but it would be you, because I can't see it being anybody else.

Erika! You go girl! What I love about you is that you don't stop being yourself, no matter what. I like to joke that my boyfriend reminds me of you, because he does the same thing to me as you have done with Tsubomi -- you bring her out of her shell. Erika, you are a true friend, and I firmly believe that you can get your dream of becoming a fashion designer! Getto daze!

Itsuki...ahem, "Ichuki" (suddenly blushes and runs away) OK, I'm just gonna be straight up and say this...you are my first girl crush in a *really* long time. But that's okay. We all thought you were a guy first. But I'm so glad you're not! Your love of anything cute is in itself adorable and part of what makes you you. I believe you can do anything you want to, as long as you put your mind to it. And let's just ignore the crush...for now. (Number? Anybody? I *am* learning Japanese! Eep!)

Notice how my boyfriend is okay with this... O.o

Yuri. You are the brave, the strong, Cure Moonlight...but you have also gone through a lot of pain. You lost your mascot, you lost your dad, and yet, through it all, you were able to stay strong. Erika was right -- who would have thought that a bunch of 14 year olds would be saving the world? Granted, you're 17 (Hey, my life turned upside down when I was 17 too) but you have leaned on those three girls for a lot, I'm sure. They became your friends when nobody else could be, because they understood the trials of being a Cure. Yuri, you as a person have also grown a lot, and I pray that you find peace.

To all four of you...this past year has been a year that I shall never forget, made so much better by you all! We shall all have a party at my house. I will bring lots and lots of food...and fabric! I have a sewing machine! Now I just have to find it.

Sincerely,
Emily/Cure Stardust

P.S. This is why I'm so making a Heartcatch sequel.


That's cross posted to the Precure LJ community -- I've just been thinking about it so much since it ended. Heartcatch Precure really is awesome -- I mean, it's a kid's show, but I made it all the way through the series AND THAT IS SOMETHING. It really is a blessing from God. Look it up on Wikipedia, Google it, or something O.o

In other news, work stunk last night because there were outages all over the place. I was super tired by the time it was all said and done. But the groundhog said that spring is coming soon! It better be pretty freaking soon. That, or we need majorly dumped on -- enough so I don't have to go to work. I wanna build a snowman in the parking lot. Is that too much to ask? Snowman or April weather, please. *hopes God is listening*

Tomorrow is day off -- TOMORROW I update my user info!
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Yes, it is six o'clock in the morning.  Normally I would just now be getting off of work, but they gave me what's called 'green time' for the MLK holiday.  Translation: nobody was calling in, so I could go home about an hour early.  Yay!  Of course, I was a little tired, and I had some free time, so guess what I did.

WALMART TIME!!!

Yeah, I'm the dork who decides to go to Walmart at the weird times in the morning, like nobody's business.  I decided to go pick up some stuff for the cosplay I'm doing for Ohayocon.  Still on the lookout for decent boots, as well as a pink bag (preferably one that zips) but I found shoelaces and a shirt to dissect for the vest.  So I am a happy camper.  Seriously, if you ever get the chance, go to Walmart early in the morning.  It may just be one of the greatest things you do.

Oh, and while there, I noticed that they had the Pokemon toys out again!  So wanted to splurge for the Pokeball that released Pichu, but I restrained myself...for now.  Instead, I picked up another custom Johto squishy-ball, for use in my cosplay.  Fun stuff.

Tomorrow, I will probably write another entry.  I hope these aren't getting too boring for people.
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So I figured it would actually benefit people a lot more if I wrote more often, shared my thoughts with the world.  So, here I go.

Today I got sick.  Like, undeniably sick.  Like, I went to the emergency room sick.  (Mom, yes, I'm okay.)  I had a huge headache beyond anything I could get through myself, and anything I tried to do didn't really help.  They let me rest in a dark room, which actually really helped, then did a CAT scan and gave me some medicine.  I'll be heading to Steak and Shake for my Saturday run with Jordan and Josh later, but Jordan's going to pick me up because they don't want me driving on these meds.  Should be fine by work tomorrow. 
I hope I can still go to Saturday nights with them...work is changing my schedule again, and they're changing it fast.  What can I do?

I hope to have Shut Up And Listen uploaded either tomorrow or the next day!  I know I was going to release it today, but the hospital visit kind of took a chunk out of my time.  Tonight I've been watching Miss America and fighting my way through Isshu on Pokemon White.  Yes, I will be going to Ohayocon!  I'm so excited, and work can't screw it up because I asked for the Friday off.  It's something I actually want.  And I'll be going for Pokemon mostly, which is good because I'm not really that much of an anime fan anymore but I love other Japanese culture aspects

You'll see SHL here.  Tomorrow.  I hope.

February 2017

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