Emily Ann Imes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
memorialrainbow) wrote2011-06-13 03:11 am
memorialrainbow) wrote2011-06-13 03:11 am
Entry tags:
061211 -- Nostalgia, For Nostalgia's Sake
I swear I have gone back in time three bajillion times today. First it was being in AM1240 and being reminded of the summer of 2007, and then I stumbled all over my Caliar files while working on the Almond Dust books. And now I'm listening to Vocaloid. Why does Kagamine Len have to look so realistic in those concert videos? Grr!
Sometimes I hate my ENTIRE LIFE and the decisions I've made. Sometimes it makes me want to ram my head into my television. But I won't do it. There's no sense in doing it.
Even as I write this, there is a feeling of fear in my hands. I know that tomorrow, I'm going to have to go back to work. Am I scared of work? I don't know. Not scared of the work itself, but more scared of the job. Scared of the emotional toll that it is taking on me. I feel like standing up and screaming, but I'm so tired. I wonder if the paint is dry yet. Perhaps I should focus on that, and not on anything else. The world is moving so slow right now. Sometimes I forget I'm alive.
Every time I hear his voice, my heart fails a little bit inside. Even after so long. Even after all of the healing. The memories I created, those blue eyes...a connection so strong that I have to find a way to destroy it. What would it be like, to destroy yourself from the inside out? It would end up being a little bit like Pondicherry.
I'm sure a lot of you have read the Pondicherry story that I posted earlier. Rest assured, I will not be setting Zanesville on fire anytime soon. The Zanesville in Pondicherry is a representation of what I would like to do. I want to change the world, and change comes through destruction, as an Ayu song once said. Every place I've walked, I've set fire to, with the help of some of my characters. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to eliminate any trace that I've been here. I want to stop feeling miserable at two in the morning. Is anybody else out there tired?
I hated sixth grade. Sixth grade, like freshman year second semester, is one of those times I'm wondering how I made it through. Skin of my teeth type of thing. Every single day sucked. I swore I would get revenge on the kids who locked me out of their lives, who made my existence unnecessary. In hiding, I found Felldoh. I found Martin, and Rose, and Matthias and Russa and Ranguvar and Songbreeze and Mariel and Grath and Tansy. And out of the dust came Rocket, and Fieldow, and Skye and Lucy and Taran and Sammy, and later Kyneritio and Aerinera.
I found Brian Jacques.
Could you cry with me? He is not gone, I hope, I pray. He taught me how to write. God sent his books, I'm sure. And they are the first objects I burn in Pondicherry. Pondicherry, named for the book he never finished. For him, to leave my legacy, I do write. But I write because of God. If anything is without Him, it's not worth it. Period.
Following God might mean losing one of my closest friends. Sure, he'll still be around, but we won't be as close as we have been. I've known this friend for almost six years now, and he's been by my side during a bunch of hard times. Things haven't always been easy, but we've been excellent this past year. To leave him behind to follow God...I'll do it, even if I cry the entire way. And he knows I'll do it, too. Why does life have to be so bittersweet?
Okay, now that I've semi-dug myself out of that funk, I'm gonna shower to feel better and then I'm going to paint and probably watch The Parent Trap.
-- Videos for AD are still not done. Promo's still up, though. I want to get some other stuff together; considering not sleeping as much this morning. I ordered CDs though! I ordered CDs for Almond Dust and I am so excited. Why am I so excited? Because I'll be selling them at the First Friday event in downtown Zanesville on the first of July.
There are a couple of special things about this CD. First off, there is a bonus track! I was smiling the entire time I sang it. It's ONLY on the CD, it won't be available online. Also, if you meet up with me at the event and the first thing you say to me is "What's your story, morning glory?" you will get half off your CD. It has to be unprovoked, though. The CDs will be retailing for 10 bucks, so you'll get yours for 5 instead.
OK, shower and paint time.
Sometimes I hate my ENTIRE LIFE and the decisions I've made. Sometimes it makes me want to ram my head into my television. But I won't do it. There's no sense in doing it.
Even as I write this, there is a feeling of fear in my hands. I know that tomorrow, I'm going to have to go back to work. Am I scared of work? I don't know. Not scared of the work itself, but more scared of the job. Scared of the emotional toll that it is taking on me. I feel like standing up and screaming, but I'm so tired. I wonder if the paint is dry yet. Perhaps I should focus on that, and not on anything else. The world is moving so slow right now. Sometimes I forget I'm alive.
Every time I hear his voice, my heart fails a little bit inside. Even after so long. Even after all of the healing. The memories I created, those blue eyes...a connection so strong that I have to find a way to destroy it. What would it be like, to destroy yourself from the inside out? It would end up being a little bit like Pondicherry.
I'm sure a lot of you have read the Pondicherry story that I posted earlier. Rest assured, I will not be setting Zanesville on fire anytime soon. The Zanesville in Pondicherry is a representation of what I would like to do. I want to change the world, and change comes through destruction, as an Ayu song once said. Every place I've walked, I've set fire to, with the help of some of my characters. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to eliminate any trace that I've been here. I want to stop feeling miserable at two in the morning. Is anybody else out there tired?
I hated sixth grade. Sixth grade, like freshman year second semester, is one of those times I'm wondering how I made it through. Skin of my teeth type of thing. Every single day sucked. I swore I would get revenge on the kids who locked me out of their lives, who made my existence unnecessary. In hiding, I found Felldoh. I found Martin, and Rose, and Matthias and Russa and Ranguvar and Songbreeze and Mariel and Grath and Tansy. And out of the dust came Rocket, and Fieldow, and Skye and Lucy and Taran and Sammy, and later Kyneritio and Aerinera.
I found Brian Jacques.
Could you cry with me? He is not gone, I hope, I pray. He taught me how to write. God sent his books, I'm sure. And they are the first objects I burn in Pondicherry. Pondicherry, named for the book he never finished. For him, to leave my legacy, I do write. But I write because of God. If anything is without Him, it's not worth it. Period.
Following God might mean losing one of my closest friends. Sure, he'll still be around, but we won't be as close as we have been. I've known this friend for almost six years now, and he's been by my side during a bunch of hard times. Things haven't always been easy, but we've been excellent this past year. To leave him behind to follow God...I'll do it, even if I cry the entire way. And he knows I'll do it, too. Why does life have to be so bittersweet?
Okay, now that I've semi-dug myself out of that funk, I'm gonna shower to feel better and then I'm going to paint and probably watch The Parent Trap.
-- Videos for AD are still not done. Promo's still up, though. I want to get some other stuff together; considering not sleeping as much this morning. I ordered CDs though! I ordered CDs for Almond Dust and I am so excited. Why am I so excited? Because I'll be selling them at the First Friday event in downtown Zanesville on the first of July.
There are a couple of special things about this CD. First off, there is a bonus track! I was smiling the entire time I sang it. It's ONLY on the CD, it won't be available online. Also, if you meet up with me at the event and the first thing you say to me is "What's your story, morning glory?" you will get half off your CD. It has to be unprovoked, though. The CDs will be retailing for 10 bucks, so you'll get yours for 5 instead.
OK, shower and paint time.