The Memorial Rainbow

021016

Wed, 10 Feb 2016 16:48:29 GMT

Haven't posted here in a short bit. Got sick a week ago and had to go to the urgent care center -- wanted to make sure this sinus issue I had was actually a sinus infection and get treated for it. It wasn't ^^;; but they gave me some options. I have learned that Claritin either makes me loopy with Flonase attached, or makes me want to kill everything in sight. Monday was not fun.

I moved on Sunday! It was a good move except all of my stuff is still in boxes because I've been at work 24/7 basically. I'm fairly certain these pants have been worn for five days in a row. I want to work on my fanfiction for part of today, and might actually do so right now before the shit hits the fan/while I'm working on background stuff. Not too much I can do while the potential for being interrupted is high.

The boss is out of the office on Monday and Tuesday and I have some ideas as to what to do those days. I'll probably have to still work at the gym, but piano is fun :)

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012116: Waking Up

Thu, 21 Jan 2016 20:23:53 GMT

Writing again because I inherited the laptop at work and I have a chance to think. I'd be writing in the records, but at least this way I can work and make phone calls at the same time.

It occurred to me last night again that I take everything too seriously. Even something I guess as fun as karaoke has to be a performance, and I should be ashamed if I don't do my best in it. After waking up like a mess this morning, I gave myself a hard time about it until I realized what I didn't know until last night: that letting yourself off the hook is the key to being human.

I'm not fully here. I feel like I'm in the longest (though thankfully not most severe) panic attack ever. I'm a little ghosty. I'm disocciating but I'm going in and out. I called in and said I was sick, which is true but more from a mental health standpoint than a physical health standpoint. I feel like all of my strength has been sapped. But thankfully my spirit is okay. I refuse to be the victim in this situation. I'm not going to beat myself up, but I'm not going to go super soft on myself as well.

They're helping me out today. I feel like I'm getting more done. Then I'm gonna stop by MJ's and then go home and work on the jeans I'm currently wearing. And I'll be okay. I'll always be okay.

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012116: Nobody's Home

Thu, 21 Jan 2016 16:56:45 GMT

Stayed out way too late last night. Did NOT get drunk but left at 2 and got home at 4 because the trains sucked. I dreamed that my ex was at the gym and he leaned over and hugged me and I tried to squirm away, but I couldn't. And then I learned he was working there now and would be closing with me, and I put him to work doing something upstairs, marched downstairs to the manager's office, and said to the manager, "Who the flying hell hired my abusive ex?"

Today is gonna suck.

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012016: Catch Up

Wed, 20 Jan 2016 17:14:27 GMT

Two second post from work while I still can. This place is teaching me how to and how to not run a business.

The A train stopped cold at 168th Street today. There was a door stuck and they had to take the train out of service and kick everybody else off. A few years ago, this would have been a big thing. Now, I guess I just don't care. I'm cold to it. It's not my responsibility to baby a train line. I have more important things to do, like try to run this office. (Emphasis on try.) I feel like I'm on a merry go round that's going to collapse, a walking disaster waiting to happen, where the stress level is always high. I'm grumpier to people now. My rage level is peaking high, and I don't like that at all.

I need to learn to see myself as separate from the job. Separate from my occupation. Even when that's music, or writing, or something creative. It exists, on its own, without me. Does it exist because of me? Yeah, I'm the one who got off my ass (or on my ass) and did the thing. But it's like kids. I don't just exist as my dad's daughter. I exist as my own person. So my jobs exist separately from myself, and they do take time and energy to do, but at the end of the day, I have to just let it be a job.

Which I'm actually really great at doing, and for some reason I don't want to do? I mean, it would be bad if work totally invaded so students were calling me at three in the morning with billing questions.

I'm afraid of starting over. I'm afraid of putting myself out there as a teacher and then having someone tell me I'm doing it wrong, that I'm too "whatever" to give Skype lessons, that I don't have enough experience in the real world to teach. I think about the things they tell me at work, that in order to have a leadership position they'll have to "whip me into shape." What does that mean? I still don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know I take things too seriously and I get stressed out a lot. I worked so hard to bring that stress level down, and yet I still snap into being perfect no matter where I go or what I do because it's what I'm used to. I don't know any other way to operate.

I think if I was able to do that for this job, I'd feel better about things. But everything is still important and urgent at the same time here. Everything is being presented to me in panic mode, and I'm internalizing it as my fault. We still don't have all of these contracts in, and I'm blaming myself because I wouldn't come in on my day off to work on them.

I'm internalizing the stress of this job, and it's affecting me horribly.

And I can either walk out and away, or I can find a way to stop internalizing it, and quick.

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