![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
042811 -- Best Gotcha Ever
Apr. 28th, 2011 11:33 pmSo a bunch of very interesting things happened today, and I figured I'd go ahead and comment on them.
I am currently in Miamisburg. I still have a headache, though the meds Jackie gave me helped. It's rather quiet right now. Lexie thought there wasn't a password to the internet -- apparently there is, and I told her not to call, because we wouldn't have it :) Poor Lex. I hope she finds it, in case she ever gets booted off her internet. That would be horrible.
I seriously need to buy the 'new' David Crowder Band CD. First, I need to find a place that sells it.
Before I got to Miamisburg, I woke up early. I went to WHIZ to work the cake auction. I drove three hours and went to Jackie's for a bible study dinner. I did not say hello to Dylan. (I kind of need to call him, but that will probably be tomorrow some time. When I don't have a headache, and when he's not super stressed out.) The last I heard, he was saying he made it into Jersey Shakes, which I know is probably a lie, because dreams don't come true unless you have oodles of money, right?
The bible study dinner was a lot of fun. It was really great to see all of the girls again, and especially to see Jackie. Speaking with them made me realize how much I haven't lost, how much I've actually grown in all of this adversity and troubled time. I was able to fit back into my 'role' quite well, although it wasn't forced. I think it was more God, taking over my body and my mouth to tell these girls I love so much how I've changed over the past six months or so. Yes, it is hard to be out there in the real world. Yes, everybody expects you to go get a career. And yes, not everybody believes. It's really hard. But I'm turning back. Not that I can go backward, I'm just choosing to go forward another way.
I'm more put together. I know what I want to do. I want to glorify God in what i do. Be that novels, or music, which I'm rewriting the meaning of. I'm treating all people with more respect. And now that my eyes are in line with God's, I feel like something magnificent is really going to happen. I just don't know how or when. But my heart knows that if I truly believe, everything will be fine.
I needed this year. This kind of sucky, kind of miserable year. Because it showed me what I can be. It's not that I'm a late bloomer. It's not that I will never be famous because I'm not stick-skinny. I know that you can't put me into some pigeonhole demographic or genre when you try to sell my music, when you try to sell my words. It shouldn't be about selling my words, anyway. These words, these colors, are here to inspire, to lift up, but only so much as God takes them to. If He is not behind these colors, then they are meaningless.
Why did God give me my synesthesia? Perhaps it was only as a means to communicate with him. Perhaps it was never meant to be shared with the world. Perhaps it is. But first and foremost, it is a gift, and while I must use it, I can't overuse it. I am reminded of a time before reconciliation when God held my right hand. He told me three things: 'use them, don't abuse them, and never let anybody take them from you.' What he was referring to I will keep a mystery, but it can also apply to my synesthesia.
So what will I do? Perhaps I will get my chance to quit my job, go to New Jersey, and write my novel. If I do, I'm thinking Maristar. I believe God would agree. Perhaps I will go to New York City, work at a diner for ten years, and make music with other people, praising God all the way. Perhaps that music will never become famous, but others will come to Christ because of it.
And perhaps someday I will drop dead of some unknown heart ailment. The world will think my life as a waste. But I know for certain that there is a heaven, and anything I can do that is right in my heart is not a waste. I would give my life, my expectations, my everything if God could be declared as King. I would give my family, my love, my unborn children, my virginity to a God who might not let any of those things ever be used. What power is this believing! That God can save you from everything you ever felt inadequate about? That you can be something more than your parents, your peers ever made you out to be?
This world isn't over when I die. If it is, and I for some REALLY ODD REASON stay unconscious for all of eternity, I'll still be happy. Because I'd rather be on fire than be famous.
I am currently in Miamisburg. I still have a headache, though the meds Jackie gave me helped. It's rather quiet right now. Lexie thought there wasn't a password to the internet -- apparently there is, and I told her not to call, because we wouldn't have it :) Poor Lex. I hope she finds it, in case she ever gets booted off her internet. That would be horrible.
I seriously need to buy the 'new' David Crowder Band CD. First, I need to find a place that sells it.
Before I got to Miamisburg, I woke up early. I went to WHIZ to work the cake auction. I drove three hours and went to Jackie's for a bible study dinner. I did not say hello to Dylan. (I kind of need to call him, but that will probably be tomorrow some time. When I don't have a headache, and when he's not super stressed out.) The last I heard, he was saying he made it into Jersey Shakes, which I know is probably a lie, because dreams don't come true unless you have oodles of money, right?
The bible study dinner was a lot of fun. It was really great to see all of the girls again, and especially to see Jackie. Speaking with them made me realize how much I haven't lost, how much I've actually grown in all of this adversity and troubled time. I was able to fit back into my 'role' quite well, although it wasn't forced. I think it was more God, taking over my body and my mouth to tell these girls I love so much how I've changed over the past six months or so. Yes, it is hard to be out there in the real world. Yes, everybody expects you to go get a career. And yes, not everybody believes. It's really hard. But I'm turning back. Not that I can go backward, I'm just choosing to go forward another way.
I'm more put together. I know what I want to do. I want to glorify God in what i do. Be that novels, or music, which I'm rewriting the meaning of. I'm treating all people with more respect. And now that my eyes are in line with God's, I feel like something magnificent is really going to happen. I just don't know how or when. But my heart knows that if I truly believe, everything will be fine.
I needed this year. This kind of sucky, kind of miserable year. Because it showed me what I can be. It's not that I'm a late bloomer. It's not that I will never be famous because I'm not stick-skinny. I know that you can't put me into some pigeonhole demographic or genre when you try to sell my music, when you try to sell my words. It shouldn't be about selling my words, anyway. These words, these colors, are here to inspire, to lift up, but only so much as God takes them to. If He is not behind these colors, then they are meaningless.
Why did God give me my synesthesia? Perhaps it was only as a means to communicate with him. Perhaps it was never meant to be shared with the world. Perhaps it is. But first and foremost, it is a gift, and while I must use it, I can't overuse it. I am reminded of a time before reconciliation when God held my right hand. He told me three things: 'use them, don't abuse them, and never let anybody take them from you.' What he was referring to I will keep a mystery, but it can also apply to my synesthesia.
So what will I do? Perhaps I will get my chance to quit my job, go to New Jersey, and write my novel. If I do, I'm thinking Maristar. I believe God would agree. Perhaps I will go to New York City, work at a diner for ten years, and make music with other people, praising God all the way. Perhaps that music will never become famous, but others will come to Christ because of it.
And perhaps someday I will drop dead of some unknown heart ailment. The world will think my life as a waste. But I know for certain that there is a heaven, and anything I can do that is right in my heart is not a waste. I would give my life, my expectations, my everything if God could be declared as King. I would give my family, my love, my unborn children, my virginity to a God who might not let any of those things ever be used. What power is this believing! That God can save you from everything you ever felt inadequate about? That you can be something more than your parents, your peers ever made you out to be?
This world isn't over when I die. If it is, and I for some REALLY ODD REASON stay unconscious for all of eternity, I'll still be happy. Because I'd rather be on fire than be famous.
