The Memorial Rainbow

Writing again because I inherited the laptop at work and I have a chance to think. I'd be writing in the records, but at least this way I can work and make phone calls at the same time.

It occurred to me last night again that I take everything too seriously. Even something I guess as fun as karaoke has to be a performance, and I should be ashamed if I don't do my best in it. After waking up like a mess this morning, I gave myself a hard time about it until I realized what I didn't know until last night: that letting yourself off the hook is the key to being human.

I'm not fully here. I feel like I'm in the longest (though thankfully not most severe) panic attack ever. I'm a little ghosty. I'm disocciating but I'm going in and out. I called in and said I was sick, which is true but more from a mental health standpoint than a physical health standpoint. I feel like all of my strength has been sapped. But thankfully my spirit is okay. I refuse to be the victim in this situation. I'm not going to beat myself up, but I'm not going to go super soft on myself as well.

They're helping me out today. I feel like I'm getting more done. Then I'm gonna stop by MJ's and then go home and work on the jeans I'm currently wearing. And I'll be okay. I'll always be okay.

Two second post from work while I still can. This place is teaching me how to and how to not run a business.

The A train stopped cold at 168th Street today. There was a door stuck and they had to take the train out of service and kick everybody else off. A few years ago, this would have been a big thing. Now, I guess I just don't care. I'm cold to it. It's not my responsibility to baby a train line. I have more important things to do, like try to run this office. (Emphasis on try.) I feel like I'm on a merry go round that's going to collapse, a walking disaster waiting to happen, where the stress level is always high. I'm grumpier to people now. My rage level is peaking high, and I don't like that at all.

I need to learn to see myself as separate from the job. Separate from my occupation. Even when that's music, or writing, or something creative. It exists, on its own, without me. Does it exist because of me? Yeah, I'm the one who got off my ass (or on my ass) and did the thing. But it's like kids. I don't just exist as my dad's daughter. I exist as my own person. So my jobs exist separately from myself, and they do take time and energy to do, but at the end of the day, I have to just let it be a job.

Which I'm actually really great at doing, and for some reason I don't want to do? I mean, it would be bad if work totally invaded so students were calling me at three in the morning with billing questions.

I'm afraid of starting over. I'm afraid of putting myself out there as a teacher and then having someone tell me I'm doing it wrong, that I'm too "whatever" to give Skype lessons, that I don't have enough experience in the real world to teach. I think about the things they tell me at work, that in order to have a leadership position they'll have to "whip me into shape." What does that mean? I still don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know I take things too seriously and I get stressed out a lot. I worked so hard to bring that stress level down, and yet I still snap into being perfect no matter where I go or what I do because it's what I'm used to. I don't know any other way to operate.

I think if I was able to do that for this job, I'd feel better about things. But everything is still important and urgent at the same time here. Everything is being presented to me in panic mode, and I'm internalizing it as my fault. We still don't have all of these contracts in, and I'm blaming myself because I wouldn't come in on my day off to work on them.

I'm internalizing the stress of this job, and it's affecting me horribly.

And I can either walk out and away, or I can find a way to stop internalizing it, and quick.

It's, like, disgusting right now. I can literally hear the wind outside. Saw on Twitter that there is a tornado watch until I start my shift at my job. I need to find my meds before I go to work, because I will probably start things off with a HUGE headache. I've been dreading today ever since Monday, when I figured out that there would be maintenance tonight. Not really happy about that either.

I just turned on "Shining Collection" from Gravitation, and it reminded me of this year's Ohayocon. During the formal dance, they played this song, and a cosplayer dressed up as Ryuichi got on stage and started to sing, which generated a mosh pit. After that, cosplayers dressed up as Yuki and Shuichi got on stage (note all of the cosplayers are girls, as which frequently happens with Gravitation), and Yuki proposed to Shuichi on stage, which of course got everybody screaming. Some girl behind me said it was the best Ohayocon ever. And Dylan just stood there the entire time like, whut? (It's okay. Really, it is.)

I love how he recognized the Gravitation music from CyberLight. Witness the power of sparkling on stage.

And then Green Day turns on, and we're done with that.

I'm watching tosh.o on Comedy Central, which reminds me of this most recent Spring Break. Apparently Tosh is the only thing on TV at 12:00 midnight...or at least the only thing my boyfriend wants to watch. It was pretty funny staying up late at night to watch it, considering I couldn't really sleep. Too much going on, and so much to see and do. It was really overwhelming.

Right now I'm adding information on how to find all of the episodes of HPP! onto the Pretty Cure fan wiki. It's a bit time-consuming, but at least it will be done. Should have done that from the beginning. And I just realized that I left all of my food at home. Great. I'll need to make a short Kroger trip now before I head to work. Although if I head to Kroger, I can prepare for my Bad Day At Work in style. I've done it before, and it perks up what should have been a bad day and makes it an okay day.

Like tabloids. I don't mean the trashy ones, I just mean like People and InTouch and the like. So easy to read, so easy to lose yourself in, but worthless if they don't come with crosswords. A good crossword will last me about an hour at work, which is wonderful especially when you're on the phone back to back with customers. I can't write anything during that time, or even really read, but I can have that track going in the back of my mind and wonder what a four letter word is for 'ocean' while someone's box is rebooting. Packed my DS for lunch break, and if things get slow, I might try to continue to write some of the lyrical stuff I've been doing.

Remember when I went to Nashville? How my music was good, but the lyrics left a little bit to be desired? Mostly because all the music I listen to is in Japanese? I'll probably have straight-up poems to read at open mic night tomorrow, because I've been thinking of ways to weave words together and make things work. Hasn't worked quite lyrically yet, but with every song, I get better. My music isn't just for me anymore. I want to make a perfect merge of music and lyrics. I feel like I really accomplished that well in Midnight Rave -- even though nobody will know what the song is about, really, they can get a picture of what's happening from the lyrics. I wanted to write something Owl City-ish, where even if it doesn't make sense, it gives you pictures, thoughts of "a girl whose hair is blue" and "midnight chiming by lines of gold." It makes you think, but then it also has simple love lyrics.  (Dammit, Mill, come home!)

On that note, does anybody have any great music that they love that they would like for me to listen to?  The catch is this: the lyrics must be English.  I'm trying to listen to as much as I can -- I want to write both artsy and radio-ready stuff.  Monday, when I felt like crap, I went to Newark and bought the new 30 Seconds To Mars cd, and that had some *interesting* lyrics, I tell you.  Anything and everything would be great, guys, even if you don't have an MP3.  Make me buy the stuff.  Or look it up on Vevo.

Stinking Ohio weather.  The high for today was 68.  The high for tomorrow is 40.  Can I move early?  Please?  I have HAD IT up to here with Ohio weather.  Seriously, it wasn't even this bad in Indiana.  And I remember Indiana.  It's true that I've been in Ohio too long.  I love Ohio.  Seriously, I do.  But even being in Zanesville is okay as long as I'm myself.  I go to the toy section of Target.  I play with dolls and Legos at my desk.  I have a full 96-pack of crayons in my possession.  I know this won't last forever, and I'll get professional and understand where I need to go and how I need to do things.

But I think I'll be a kid up until I decide to take one on.  You can't grow up too soon, I suppose.

So I figured it would actually benefit people a lot more if I wrote more often, shared my thoughts with the world.  So, here I go.

Today I got sick.  Like, undeniably sick.  Like, I went to the emergency room sick.  (Mom, yes, I'm okay.)  I had a huge headache beyond anything I could get through myself, and anything I tried to do didn't really help.  They let me rest in a dark room, which actually really helped, then did a CAT scan and gave me some medicine.  I'll be heading to Steak and Shake for my Saturday run with Jordan and Josh later, but Jordan's going to pick me up because they don't want me driving on these meds.  Should be fine by work tomorrow. 
I hope I can still go to Saturday nights with them...work is changing my schedule again, and they're changing it fast.  What can I do?

I hope to have Shut Up And Listen uploaded either tomorrow or the next day!  I know I was going to release it today, but the hospital visit kind of took a chunk out of my time.  Tonight I've been watching Miss America and fighting my way through Isshu on Pokemon White.  Yes, I will be going to Ohayocon!  I'm so excited, and work can't screw it up because I asked for the Friday off.  It's something I actually want.  And I'll be going for Pokemon mostly, which is good because I'm not really that much of an anime fan anymore but I love other Japanese culture aspects

You'll see SHL here.  Tomorrow.  I hope.