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032713 -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar
Mar. 27th, 2013 08:06 pmIn reality, it has everything to do with timing.
I grew up with expectations. I’ve gone guru guru on this blog about that. It was do something with your talents or else. There were no middle grounds when it came to what I had been gifted with. But somewhere along the line, those who were in charge stopped seeing me as a tool and started seeing me as human (what a weird thing to be).
I wrote before on Facebook, when I was still writing Facebook notes (during my years at Miami, before I started publishing MemR) that I wanted the ability to choose. If it was my destiny to be something other than a famous musician, then I wanted to be able to choose that destiny for myself. It took an extra year at Brookover to realize that, and I think moving to NYC made my parents realize that I am my own person. And if it took the condition that I was living in the world’s greatest city to get there, well, so be it. I kind of had to come here anyway (let the reader understand).
But regardless, I am a woman with the power to choose for herself what the future holds, a woman who (for the most part) pays all her own bills and decides what apartment she lives in and holds that power like a torch. And perhaps I’m not an idiot for wanting to be a woman, instead of a girl. A girl listens and does what she is told at all times. A woman is free from that requirement -- at least, that’s my definition of it. Women aren’t children and therefore do not have to be submissive to their parents. Women just have to be women, with whatever dominant or submissive power they themselves have, and to own that power whatever it may be. The most important factor is that everybody has the power to choose for themselves -- no matter who they are. I believe that’s what America was originally founded on.
But I’m not gonna get on a soapbox right now. I’m just figuring out that I have potential to be a whole lot of things, and that my mother will not be mad at me for wanting to do these things, and being free to make these decisions -- it makes me happy. Who knows? Perhaps destiny really did start to spin again a year to the date. All I know is that I’m a different person than I once was, and I’m not really sure how I got there. It happened somewhere between NYCC and now.
Okay, that rules in one change. But other than the obvious.
Although one part of it is even more obvious now, ever since the onseason started again. Why do I feel so different? More secure in myself? I have a thought as to an idea, one that I have investigated before but in another. Perhaps I felt so stagnant, so guru guru all last year, because I was missing one very important component. And now that I have that component, it’s all ‘arms down, head back, and hold on’ and I don’t know what to do except directly that.
God throws things at us when we’re ready. And I’ve finally reminded myself that I’m ready. And I’m coming back to that for good this time, with a lot more expertise and a confidence in the woman I’ve become, in the woman I’m becoming.
Tuesday morning, in the dark...
I think it comes down to this, stranger: I grew up when you weren’t paying attention. All I had to do was jump on the train and I was whisked away from Neverland (more irony, let the reader understand) and to the land of the living, for the first time. And it’s possible to have both worlds. And it’s wonderful. We often said we were a team; when we let fear get in the way, we stopped being one and I started working by myself. And now, I have a new team of resources from both of my worlds that I have every confidence will not give way.
And we guru guru back to the start.
You are not someone you’re not. You’re only what you are, what I have made you, what you have claimed as your new identity. You don’t have everything figured out yet -- you’re just a kid in so many ways. And yet, you have this incredible maturity, this drive about you, that unwavering desire to be a part of something bigger than yourself. It’s what drives me to worry about you, not because you’re careless and you forget, but because, let’s say, endless sodium is an effect of your master plan. And as you find yourself, I am absolutely fine with running parallel to you, finding myself as well.
Mom and Steph will be in the city this weekend. I’ll have a lot of explaining to do. But I’ve changed ever since time stopped. I couldn’t control it, but I am ever grateful -- greatful -- for it. Maybe I’m not who my parents or my peers wanted me to be. But I am now who I wanted to be, even though I never knew what that was before.
Tonight, we will stay up late and drink Code Red and eat birthday cake Oreos and I will practice spelling words in squiggles and katakana. And when the local train lets us down at 168th, when “the (six) train is too late,” you’ll lead me up the elevator to where the train stamped with our city’s colors, and a registration tied into my own destiny, is waiting.
At the start...at long last.
I grew up with expectations. I’ve gone guru guru on this blog about that. It was do something with your talents or else. There were no middle grounds when it came to what I had been gifted with. But somewhere along the line, those who were in charge stopped seeing me as a tool and started seeing me as human (what a weird thing to be).
I wrote before on Facebook, when I was still writing Facebook notes (during my years at Miami, before I started publishing MemR) that I wanted the ability to choose. If it was my destiny to be something other than a famous musician, then I wanted to be able to choose that destiny for myself. It took an extra year at Brookover to realize that, and I think moving to NYC made my parents realize that I am my own person. And if it took the condition that I was living in the world’s greatest city to get there, well, so be it. I kind of had to come here anyway (let the reader understand).
But regardless, I am a woman with the power to choose for herself what the future holds, a woman who (for the most part) pays all her own bills and decides what apartment she lives in and holds that power like a torch. And perhaps I’m not an idiot for wanting to be a woman, instead of a girl. A girl listens and does what she is told at all times. A woman is free from that requirement -- at least, that’s my definition of it. Women aren’t children and therefore do not have to be submissive to their parents. Women just have to be women, with whatever dominant or submissive power they themselves have, and to own that power whatever it may be. The most important factor is that everybody has the power to choose for themselves -- no matter who they are. I believe that’s what America was originally founded on.
But I’m not gonna get on a soapbox right now. I’m just figuring out that I have potential to be a whole lot of things, and that my mother will not be mad at me for wanting to do these things, and being free to make these decisions -- it makes me happy. Who knows? Perhaps destiny really did start to spin again a year to the date. All I know is that I’m a different person than I once was, and I’m not really sure how I got there. It happened somewhere between NYCC and now.
Okay, that rules in one change. But other than the obvious.
Although one part of it is even more obvious now, ever since the onseason started again. Why do I feel so different? More secure in myself? I have a thought as to an idea, one that I have investigated before but in another. Perhaps I felt so stagnant, so guru guru all last year, because I was missing one very important component. And now that I have that component, it’s all ‘arms down, head back, and hold on’ and I don’t know what to do except directly that.
God throws things at us when we’re ready. And I’ve finally reminded myself that I’m ready. And I’m coming back to that for good this time, with a lot more expertise and a confidence in the woman I’ve become, in the woman I’m becoming.
Tuesday morning, in the dark...
I think it comes down to this, stranger: I grew up when you weren’t paying attention. All I had to do was jump on the train and I was whisked away from Neverland (more irony, let the reader understand) and to the land of the living, for the first time. And it’s possible to have both worlds. And it’s wonderful. We often said we were a team; when we let fear get in the way, we stopped being one and I started working by myself. And now, I have a new team of resources from both of my worlds that I have every confidence will not give way.
And we guru guru back to the start.
You are not someone you’re not. You’re only what you are, what I have made you, what you have claimed as your new identity. You don’t have everything figured out yet -- you’re just a kid in so many ways. And yet, you have this incredible maturity, this drive about you, that unwavering desire to be a part of something bigger than yourself. It’s what drives me to worry about you, not because you’re careless and you forget, but because, let’s say, endless sodium is an effect of your master plan. And as you find yourself, I am absolutely fine with running parallel to you, finding myself as well.
Mom and Steph will be in the city this weekend. I’ll have a lot of explaining to do. But I’ve changed ever since time stopped. I couldn’t control it, but I am ever grateful -- greatful -- for it. Maybe I’m not who my parents or my peers wanted me to be. But I am now who I wanted to be, even though I never knew what that was before.
Tonight, we will stay up late and drink Code Red and eat birthday cake Oreos and I will practice spelling words in squiggles and katakana. And when the local train lets us down at 168th, when “the (six) train is too late,” you’ll lead me up the elevator to where the train stamped with our city’s colors, and a registration tied into my own destiny, is waiting.
At the start...at long last.
