041711 -- Poop Monsters
Apr. 18th, 2011 04:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowWatching Lemonade Mouth. It's pretty good, but it makes me want to be famous again. XD
I'm not sure how I feel about all of that. Half of the time I believe I can do it, the other half of the time I believe it's not my time. I know that if I go to the top, there will need to be a lot of sacrifices. I keep trying to divert between making those sacrifices and trying out for American Idol, or claiming it all for myself and working it out on my own, independent time. I can sing. I can play. I can arrange. That much I know. And I'm starting to get an idea of who my audience is. In fact, I think I have more like two audiences.
I'm not famous. I'm not some YouTuber with a nice camera who can afford nice things. I know I'm not that. And I'm definitely not 'young.' I'm twenty two, which is way too old for the Bieber Fever crowd. At this rate, I'd better either A: get plastic surgery or B: voice a cartoon version of myself. There's always C: make Color-Kao a reality and sing for preschoolers. Can anybody tell me what color S is?
Yeah, I'm being kind of cynical...but I also know that I've been working hard on music all day. I published four songs today. FOUR. Which of course means the voices are on full-force today. Lately, they haven't been just whispering, they've been SCREAMING nasty, nasty things that I can't write on this blog. Imagine your worst enemy, someone who's made fun of you before, screaming every nasty word you've ever heard at you, meaning it about you. Yeah. Welcome to my life. Every time I make any sort of step forward, these voices cause me to take three HUGE steps back. They're literally poop monsters, and they won't leave me alone.
Maybe I do need counseling. Or meds. But money's always an issue, and I'm afraid of how much of myself I would lose if I were put on medicine. I'd rather be chaotic and have to face them than be a mild-mannered good girl.
Usually my friends do a pretty good job of helping me out, so I don't need that. But where do I go now? Not that I don't have friends here, I just don't have any tight friends. People who understand my problems, who understand where I'm coming from.
But I've had enough of all of that. Really, I have.
For, you see, things are not as hopeless as they seem. On June 30, I will drop Almond Dust, and EVERYBODY is going to know about it. (Dylan, you better freaking grab your camera, and I better hit the treadmill.) In the meantime, I'm going to keep looking. There is so much I want to say, but I feel like I can't yet.
Something strange is happening.
If you tie me down and trap me
Our love, our future is also trapped
It can't grow anymore
I'm not sure how I feel about all of that. Half of the time I believe I can do it, the other half of the time I believe it's not my time. I know that if I go to the top, there will need to be a lot of sacrifices. I keep trying to divert between making those sacrifices and trying out for American Idol, or claiming it all for myself and working it out on my own, independent time. I can sing. I can play. I can arrange. That much I know. And I'm starting to get an idea of who my audience is. In fact, I think I have more like two audiences.
I'm not famous. I'm not some YouTuber with a nice camera who can afford nice things. I know I'm not that. And I'm definitely not 'young.' I'm twenty two, which is way too old for the Bieber Fever crowd. At this rate, I'd better either A: get plastic surgery or B: voice a cartoon version of myself. There's always C: make Color-Kao a reality and sing for preschoolers. Can anybody tell me what color S is?
Yeah, I'm being kind of cynical...but I also know that I've been working hard on music all day. I published four songs today. FOUR. Which of course means the voices are on full-force today. Lately, they haven't been just whispering, they've been SCREAMING nasty, nasty things that I can't write on this blog. Imagine your worst enemy, someone who's made fun of you before, screaming every nasty word you've ever heard at you, meaning it about you. Yeah. Welcome to my life. Every time I make any sort of step forward, these voices cause me to take three HUGE steps back. They're literally poop monsters, and they won't leave me alone.
Maybe I do need counseling. Or meds. But money's always an issue, and I'm afraid of how much of myself I would lose if I were put on medicine. I'd rather be chaotic and have to face them than be a mild-mannered good girl.
Usually my friends do a pretty good job of helping me out, so I don't need that. But where do I go now? Not that I don't have friends here, I just don't have any tight friends. People who understand my problems, who understand where I'm coming from.
But I've had enough of all of that. Really, I have.
For, you see, things are not as hopeless as they seem. On June 30, I will drop Almond Dust, and EVERYBODY is going to know about it. (Dylan, you better freaking grab your camera, and I better hit the treadmill.) In the meantime, I'm going to keep looking. There is so much I want to say, but I feel like I can't yet.
Something strange is happening.
If you tie me down and trap me
Our love, our future is also trapped
It can't grow anymore
