Emily Ann Imes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
memorialrainbow) wrote2011-04-19 06:36 pm
memorialrainbow) wrote2011-04-19 06:36 pm
Entry tags:
041911 -- Shot of Mountain Dew
Composed posts from down here are about as rare as any work getting done. This place is notorious for it. Basically, whenever I didn't want to get any work done, I came here. I don't know what I was thinking, expecting to get more writing done for Script Frenzy here. At least I made it to fifty pages last night while at the apartment.
Dylan is watching some Mortal Kombat stuff, and I respond by turning up Lucifer and JUST SMILING. Seriously, right now, I am the teenage girl I never really got a chance to be, and these guys are my Backstreet Boys or NSYNC or whatever. If Tiger Beat made a magazine for them, I'd eat it up. X.x
And I'm just glad that, even though all the chicks in that game are pretty weirdly clad, I still got them beat in that department.
Something really interesting happened on Saturday, and I'd like to shed a lot of light on it. But before I do, I need to go back to something that happened more than eight years ago. I was in eighth grade, I think, at the time, and I had wanted to do something with friends. My mom and sister had gone to do something, and I had stayed home to keep in contact with my friends. I really don't remember all of it, but all I remember is my dad being REALLY MAD.
I don't remember most of the situation. What I DO remember is what's important -- me standing at the top of the basement stairwell, him at the bottom, him yelling at me that nobody or nothing -- NOTHING -- was more important than him and the family. Nothing.
Now, I don't hold my dad responsible for any of this. It's my cross to bear. And I'm sure I did blame him for a long time. But from then on it was clear -- nothing gets in the way of family. And whenever anybody in my family has said anything along those lines, it's just been enforced in my mind.
I've always wanted to be the good daughter. Be nice, follow the instructions, and you will go a long way. That's what I was taught. But somewhere along the line, people expected me to start standing up for myself, to decide what I wanted, and I wasn't comfortable with that. I made up stupid plans so that I could say I had *something* to go off of. I continued to write music with the knowledge that I would probably never 'make it,' because I knew I didn't have the guts to get out there and do it myself. I figured it would just come.
I've learned more in this year. Because I didn't have to do papers and homework. Because I didn't have to be at club meetings and this and that. Not that any of those things were bad, just time-consuming. You learn a lot when you're alone. But some things never leave you. I'm twenty two, and I still feel like I have to get my parents' permission on things. That if they don't agree, they will just shut me down, and that's it. And that if I don't take my talent to the highest level possible, if I don't become famous or special or prized, I will be letting them down. If I live a normal life, that is a disgrace to them.
The four of us were sitting in B-dubs on Saturday (Steph was at prom) when we started talking about the future again. Music. Charlotte. Choices. And me basically being indecisive, like normal. I finally just told my dad (because I'm 22 and it's about time) that most decisions I make revolve around him. And they do -- or, at least, that eighth-grade version of him. I still act like nothing is more important than my family, and what they think of me.
(moves locales from the CPA to Kofenya)
My dad and mom made it clear to me, sitting there -- that they really don't care what I do. And I know I seemed like an idiot in front of them. I just needed to hear it, and I needed to hear it coming from them.
Because it breaks the spell. It shows me that my own choices have power. I am no longer just a little girl, but I am capable of making my own decisions, and there is no right or wrong decision in them. Just because I'm not with a certain person or just because I didn't take a certain opportunity does not mean I'm screwed for life and that I will never be perfect. I'm *NOT* going to be perfect, and I can finally be okay with that. I used to really beat myself up about this. But the voices have much less power when I am in control, not them. They taunt me of a future that I do not claim for myself, that I deny. This world isn't absolutes. I can really be free, and figure out who I am. My identity is not my job; my identity is who I am, regardless of that. And no matter if I'm in Oxford or Zanesville or Charlotte, this world is big and bright and beautiful and small.
I suppose I really do see the world as my oyster now. Not to fulfill some promise I gave to myself a long time ago without relenting. They say your worst enemy is yourself; and I know that truly.
Tomorrow, when I'm back on Miami's internet, I'll probably post a short song I wrote on SoundClick. I only have the Garageband version done, but that's how it usually goes. Nine songs completely done for Almond Dust; another is mostly done and just needs some touching up in Logic, and the eleventh is the one that's just Garageband for now. I can't wait to show you all the music when it's done.
(And I just realize I've been doing the tags wrong for...like, forever. Oops.
Dylan is watching some Mortal Kombat stuff, and I respond by turning up Lucifer and JUST SMILING. Seriously, right now, I am the teenage girl I never really got a chance to be, and these guys are my Backstreet Boys or NSYNC or whatever. If Tiger Beat made a magazine for them, I'd eat it up. X.x
And I'm just glad that, even though all the chicks in that game are pretty weirdly clad, I still got them beat in that department.
Something really interesting happened on Saturday, and I'd like to shed a lot of light on it. But before I do, I need to go back to something that happened more than eight years ago. I was in eighth grade, I think, at the time, and I had wanted to do something with friends. My mom and sister had gone to do something, and I had stayed home to keep in contact with my friends. I really don't remember all of it, but all I remember is my dad being REALLY MAD.
I don't remember most of the situation. What I DO remember is what's important -- me standing at the top of the basement stairwell, him at the bottom, him yelling at me that nobody or nothing -- NOTHING -- was more important than him and the family. Nothing.
Now, I don't hold my dad responsible for any of this. It's my cross to bear. And I'm sure I did blame him for a long time. But from then on it was clear -- nothing gets in the way of family. And whenever anybody in my family has said anything along those lines, it's just been enforced in my mind.
I've always wanted to be the good daughter. Be nice, follow the instructions, and you will go a long way. That's what I was taught. But somewhere along the line, people expected me to start standing up for myself, to decide what I wanted, and I wasn't comfortable with that. I made up stupid plans so that I could say I had *something* to go off of. I continued to write music with the knowledge that I would probably never 'make it,' because I knew I didn't have the guts to get out there and do it myself. I figured it would just come.
I've learned more in this year. Because I didn't have to do papers and homework. Because I didn't have to be at club meetings and this and that. Not that any of those things were bad, just time-consuming. You learn a lot when you're alone. But some things never leave you. I'm twenty two, and I still feel like I have to get my parents' permission on things. That if they don't agree, they will just shut me down, and that's it. And that if I don't take my talent to the highest level possible, if I don't become famous or special or prized, I will be letting them down. If I live a normal life, that is a disgrace to them.
The four of us were sitting in B-dubs on Saturday (Steph was at prom) when we started talking about the future again. Music. Charlotte. Choices. And me basically being indecisive, like normal. I finally just told my dad (because I'm 22 and it's about time) that most decisions I make revolve around him. And they do -- or, at least, that eighth-grade version of him. I still act like nothing is more important than my family, and what they think of me.
(moves locales from the CPA to Kofenya)
My dad and mom made it clear to me, sitting there -- that they really don't care what I do. And I know I seemed like an idiot in front of them. I just needed to hear it, and I needed to hear it coming from them.
Because it breaks the spell. It shows me that my own choices have power. I am no longer just a little girl, but I am capable of making my own decisions, and there is no right or wrong decision in them. Just because I'm not with a certain person or just because I didn't take a certain opportunity does not mean I'm screwed for life and that I will never be perfect. I'm *NOT* going to be perfect, and I can finally be okay with that. I used to really beat myself up about this. But the voices have much less power when I am in control, not them. They taunt me of a future that I do not claim for myself, that I deny. This world isn't absolutes. I can really be free, and figure out who I am. My identity is not my job; my identity is who I am, regardless of that. And no matter if I'm in Oxford or Zanesville or Charlotte, this world is big and bright and beautiful and small.
I suppose I really do see the world as my oyster now. Not to fulfill some promise I gave to myself a long time ago without relenting. They say your worst enemy is yourself; and I know that truly.
Tomorrow, when I'm back on Miami's internet, I'll probably post a short song I wrote on SoundClick. I only have the Garageband version done, but that's how it usually goes. Nine songs completely done for Almond Dust; another is mostly done and just needs some touching up in Logic, and the eleventh is the one that's just Garageband for now. I can't wait to show you all the music when it's done.
(And I just realize I've been doing the tags wrong for...like, forever. Oops.
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