The Memorial Rainbow

Stop.

Just stop.

There's too much chaos. Too much spinning. None of it is your fault, but you magnify it by a great amount. I'm happy. I'm green. I'm safe. I'm figuring things out and then the rug is pulled out from underneath me and my backup systems kick in, I'm okay, I'm okay and then I'm not.

Estrogen makes me unpredictable. There are times I wish I was a guy. Maybe that's why women don't keep their plans. Maybe that's why we do as we are told, because the hormones make us do so.

"Are you okay?" No. I will not be okay. I'm okay with not being okay for right now. And I'm not okay with my space being violated. There is too much speed, too much scenery, too much everything right now.

I prepare, I jump, I breathe. I put aside my emotions because that is what I have been trained to do. It's simple. And it fits what you taught me how to do, to ignore the real world, to go back to that place where nothing makes sense and pain is something to be welcomed. I should have never expected it to be different. I should have yielded to you and obeyed your wishes like a good little girl. Instead, I am free. But what of that freedom? You are right. My Father will chase me down and make me His, and there is nothing I can do about it. Instead of figuring out what I want to believe, I must submit to a rule book eons old that teaches me how to be a godly woman, as if there is nothing higher to be attained by anybody of my sex.

Perhaps I'm running away from God. But it is you yourself who hastened this running.

It's blue outside. If I were in the city, I'd want to be outside. But today is not an outside kind of day. It's a stay inside and belittle yourself kind of day, a waste away kind of day. People change and there is nothing you can do about it. You change, there's nothing you can do about it, and yet it's all your fault and you should die. Shame on me for loving someone else instead of you. Shame on picking someone else. And The Lord will fire rain down upon me and take away that which I loved most, as I am apparently no longer his priestess. Who can be a priestess with a broken heart?

I ask the one person I know for advice. But it doesn't seem to matter. Nothing matters now that you're not here, now that I no longer serve your every need. I am a purposeless doll, and my freedom means nothing. Because nothing is as it seems.

But I am in charge of my own reality, am I not? That's what the old you said, the real you said, a long time ago. You said that I had the ability to change my world. I believed you, and you believed it too, so strongly that you left me in a blaze of glory. I followed you to my death in the streets of gold I so desperately wanted to be a part of.

Now, I don't know which you is the real you. I'm not sure I honestly care. My head is so lost and I'm so confused with the sudden and recent tragedies in my life that all I know is one mantra: LIVE. And that most important thing is here with me now. And I know now that I'm not just supposed to liberate him.

There's more to this story than meets the eye.

In the meantime, I will go to sushi tomorrow, and I will wait for the news, and sometime this week I will take to the skies with stars in my eyes. But one thing is for certain: I will never, ever, ever return for you.

And that is the best for both of us.

For it is Aptil 21, 2013, and now we are free.

Today, I want to talk about my sister, who is awesome.

Seriously. My role model in life is a 17 year old high school junior. But anybody who has a sister (especially if you're female) knows there is just something special about sisters that you can't knock. Yes, I can remember a time pre-Stephanie, but it was very short and it was very lonely.

Steph hasn't always been my role model, but she's always been one thing: the opposite of me, just about in every way. We're female, and that's about it. That really brings to mind what I admire about her -- first of all, her FREAKISHLY AWESOME sports abilities, and not only that, but her dedication to them. That woman seriously never gives up.

Which brings me to the second thing I really like about her, and one I really didn't completely notice until today -- Steph is stubborn as heck. Whereas I am the doormat and will move out of your way by instinct, because I am a bother and I am in your way, Stephanie will just stand there and be like, "nope, you're moving around me." And I know as a family we used to make fun of her for this, but daaaaaaaaaamn, woman. Steph, you are gonna go far in life because you refuse to compromise. And I could definitely learn from that. In fact, I think I am.

If I could just put that into practice all the time, what would happen? Maybe my dad wouldn't stare at me with that look that makes me feel like I'm an idiot. Maybe my supervisor will listen when I've got great ideas about how to notify people of outages. Maybe I can not only stand up and perform my music, but have the gall to say "HEY, LISTEN!"

Thank you, Stephanie, for being you.

Today I am watching the Super Bowl with my family. I am cheering Steelers; most of them are cheering Packers save for my mother who doesn't really care. I won't cry if the Steelers lose; I just know way more about the Steelers than the Packers. Plus, Rothlesberger (sp?) and Kennywood and -- yeah.

So let me tell you about my family. I bet everybody thinks that their parents are invincible, but I'm fairly convinced that my parents actually *are*. My dad works at a local bank; my mom works in insurance. They do SO MUCH. It's a wonder that they never get sick or anything. Sure, things are tough every once in a while, but I know we're blessed to have good jobs. We don't have to worry about where our next meal will come from, and we can watch the Super Bowl knowing that our electricity won't go out, or our box won't get shut off.

In my junior year writing class, I was asked to write on somebody whom I really admired, and I chose to write on my sister. My sister has always been so opposite of myself, but that makes her her. I say that if you want to get to know me, watch me play piano, but if you REALLY want to get to know me, watch me watch one of my sister's basketball games. My sister works harder than probably anybody else I know, and I respect her so much for that.

I am running out of nicknames for my brother. "Fuzz" isn't cutting it anymore -- it's not working with the friends. It still works for the hair, but he need something better, something that really represents who he is -- the awesomeness of my brother. He's not afraid to be who he is, and I think that's so cool for a thirteen year old. I wish I had half of his charisma.

This is just my immediate family -- if I mentioned everybody, this post would go on forever -- but there are two people I do need to mention before I close this -- my dad's parents. I mention them because they're always close by, and they're always giving and so kind. They're in Florida right now -- snowbirds -- but I know that we're on their minds.