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042113 - Not Listening
Apr. 21st, 2013 06:48 pmStop.
Just stop.
There's too much chaos. Too much spinning. None of it is your fault, but you magnify it by a great amount. I'm happy. I'm green. I'm safe. I'm figuring things out and then the rug is pulled out from underneath me and my backup systems kick in, I'm okay, I'm okay and then I'm not.
Estrogen makes me unpredictable. There are times I wish I was a guy. Maybe that's why women don't keep their plans. Maybe that's why we do as we are told, because the hormones make us do so.
"Are you okay?" No. I will not be okay. I'm okay with not being okay for right now. And I'm not okay with my space being violated. There is too much speed, too much scenery, too much everything right now.
I prepare, I jump, I breathe. I put aside my emotions because that is what I have been trained to do. It's simple. And it fits what you taught me how to do, to ignore the real world, to go back to that place where nothing makes sense and pain is something to be welcomed. I should have never expected it to be different. I should have yielded to you and obeyed your wishes like a good little girl. Instead, I am free. But what of that freedom? You are right. My Father will chase me down and make me His, and there is nothing I can do about it. Instead of figuring out what I want to believe, I must submit to a rule book eons old that teaches me how to be a godly woman, as if there is nothing higher to be attained by anybody of my sex.
Perhaps I'm running away from God. But it is you yourself who hastened this running.
It's blue outside. If I were in the city, I'd want to be outside. But today is not an outside kind of day. It's a stay inside and belittle yourself kind of day, a waste away kind of day. People change and there is nothing you can do about it. You change, there's nothing you can do about it, and yet it's all your fault and you should die. Shame on me for loving someone else instead of you. Shame on picking someone else. And The Lord will fire rain down upon me and take away that which I loved most, as I am apparently no longer his priestess. Who can be a priestess with a broken heart?
I ask the one person I know for advice. But it doesn't seem to matter. Nothing matters now that you're not here, now that I no longer serve your every need. I am a purposeless doll, and my freedom means nothing. Because nothing is as it seems.
But I am in charge of my own reality, am I not? That's what the old you said, the real you said, a long time ago. You said that I had the ability to change my world. I believed you, and you believed it too, so strongly that you left me in a blaze of glory. I followed you to my death in the streets of gold I so desperately wanted to be a part of.
Now, I don't know which you is the real you. I'm not sure I honestly care. My head is so lost and I'm so confused with the sudden and recent tragedies in my life that all I know is one mantra: LIVE. And that most important thing is here with me now. And I know now that I'm not just supposed to liberate him.
There's more to this story than meets the eye.
In the meantime, I will go to sushi tomorrow, and I will wait for the news, and sometime this week I will take to the skies with stars in my eyes. But one thing is for certain: I will never, ever, ever return for you.
And that is the best for both of us.
For it is Aptil 21, 2013, and now we are free.
Just stop.
There's too much chaos. Too much spinning. None of it is your fault, but you magnify it by a great amount. I'm happy. I'm green. I'm safe. I'm figuring things out and then the rug is pulled out from underneath me and my backup systems kick in, I'm okay, I'm okay and then I'm not.
Estrogen makes me unpredictable. There are times I wish I was a guy. Maybe that's why women don't keep their plans. Maybe that's why we do as we are told, because the hormones make us do so.
"Are you okay?" No. I will not be okay. I'm okay with not being okay for right now. And I'm not okay with my space being violated. There is too much speed, too much scenery, too much everything right now.
I prepare, I jump, I breathe. I put aside my emotions because that is what I have been trained to do. It's simple. And it fits what you taught me how to do, to ignore the real world, to go back to that place where nothing makes sense and pain is something to be welcomed. I should have never expected it to be different. I should have yielded to you and obeyed your wishes like a good little girl. Instead, I am free. But what of that freedom? You are right. My Father will chase me down and make me His, and there is nothing I can do about it. Instead of figuring out what I want to believe, I must submit to a rule book eons old that teaches me how to be a godly woman, as if there is nothing higher to be attained by anybody of my sex.
Perhaps I'm running away from God. But it is you yourself who hastened this running.
It's blue outside. If I were in the city, I'd want to be outside. But today is not an outside kind of day. It's a stay inside and belittle yourself kind of day, a waste away kind of day. People change and there is nothing you can do about it. You change, there's nothing you can do about it, and yet it's all your fault and you should die. Shame on me for loving someone else instead of you. Shame on picking someone else. And The Lord will fire rain down upon me and take away that which I loved most, as I am apparently no longer his priestess. Who can be a priestess with a broken heart?
I ask the one person I know for advice. But it doesn't seem to matter. Nothing matters now that you're not here, now that I no longer serve your every need. I am a purposeless doll, and my freedom means nothing. Because nothing is as it seems.
But I am in charge of my own reality, am I not? That's what the old you said, the real you said, a long time ago. You said that I had the ability to change my world. I believed you, and you believed it too, so strongly that you left me in a blaze of glory. I followed you to my death in the streets of gold I so desperately wanted to be a part of.
Now, I don't know which you is the real you. I'm not sure I honestly care. My head is so lost and I'm so confused with the sudden and recent tragedies in my life that all I know is one mantra: LIVE. And that most important thing is here with me now. And I know now that I'm not just supposed to liberate him.
There's more to this story than meets the eye.
In the meantime, I will go to sushi tomorrow, and I will wait for the news, and sometime this week I will take to the skies with stars in my eyes. But one thing is for certain: I will never, ever, ever return for you.
And that is the best for both of us.
For it is Aptil 21, 2013, and now we are free.
