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memorialrainbowI am hungry right now.
Scratch that: I am starving right now.
But I will not eat. I will not eat until I have properly beat myself into submission, until I have made myself feel guilty for eating, and then I will go eat. I will eat ramen, just enough to make sure I am not hungry. And then I will wallow away my sorrows by sitting around and waiting for the write in.
I will not eat at the write-in. I will have water from the water fountain and ignore the fact that I am hungry. I will probably eat more ramen for dinner. Not because I want to, but because it is a necessity.
I will pray that everything works out. It won't.
I will live off of savings until my rent is up, and then I will move home.
But I don't want to.
More than anything...
I can't stay. I keep telling myself that. I can't stay. I spent too much on myself. I spent too much on my boyfriend. Maybe tomorrow it will all be okay. Maybe not eating is a good thing. There is no escape, just the long, endless hours of being unemployed by my choice. It gets hard to pick yourself back up again after you fall.
I'm never starting, am I? It was all a dream. A good dream that is now over. And it is time to become a nobody again. It is time to punish myself until there is nothing left.
Scratch that: I am starving right now.
But I will not eat. I will not eat until I have properly beat myself into submission, until I have made myself feel guilty for eating, and then I will go eat. I will eat ramen, just enough to make sure I am not hungry. And then I will wallow away my sorrows by sitting around and waiting for the write in.
I will not eat at the write-in. I will have water from the water fountain and ignore the fact that I am hungry. I will probably eat more ramen for dinner. Not because I want to, but because it is a necessity.
I will pray that everything works out. It won't.
I will live off of savings until my rent is up, and then I will move home.
But I don't want to.
More than anything...
I can't stay. I keep telling myself that. I can't stay. I spent too much on myself. I spent too much on my boyfriend. Maybe tomorrow it will all be okay. Maybe not eating is a good thing. There is no escape, just the long, endless hours of being unemployed by my choice. It gets hard to pick yourself back up again after you fall.
I'm never starting, am I? It was all a dream. A good dream that is now over. And it is time to become a nobody again. It is time to punish myself until there is nothing left.
