022611 -- Backtrack
Feb. 26th, 2011 05:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowI am writing at work. Yes. I am writing at work.
I do this sometimes. More often I do it from my other job, in which I actually have an internet connection that does not stalk me. Today, I have no internet, so I will post this later. According to Ringo, it's 2:15 in the morning, on Saturday. My plan to switch my sleep schedule over is working -- starting at 11:30PM, I felt so miserable and tired that I wanted to shoot somebody. And it can only go downhill from here. Which means one thing -- I should be able to sleep tonight. (And I'll need to wake up at two anyway to let out the dog. DOG!)
Lunch means reading magazines, but somebody has eliminated the usual stash that I goink from. I need to ask a supervisor if they know where they went -- even if they're, like, three years old, those magazines are still entertaining (even if Sandra Bullock is still with Jesse James).
I've been reading magazines nonstop while I'm at work -- well, while I'm not drawing or working on HPP! scripts. And, of course, when I get a call, it's all put aside. But reading has been a fun way to learn something new. Currently at my desk I have the latest issue of Channel Guide magazine, which my company gets; I also have the Time I get in the mail every week. And I have a "Whole Living" magazine or something that I literally stole from the pile. I liked the magazine so much that I wanted to keep it, and the pile was literally where people put the magazines they didn't want, so I kept it. So sue. It's missing a couple of pages, but I kept it because it has a nice motivational article that I read if I feel sorry about myself anymore.
I don't have room to feel sorry for myself. I don't have room to bring myself down. There's just no room for it, even though it happens every once in a while now. It's happened less and less these days, with how much confidence I'm finding in myself. Deciding to actually go to Nashville. Wanting to do something because I want to, instead of being afraid of what my parents might think or say or do. Being an individual.
What does that mean, being an individual? I think that's a tricky word. We understand as people that it's up to us to make the changes in our lives. I'm starting to really believe that if something's not easy, then it's not worth doing. There was nothing wrong with the life that I lived before. It's just that...when I lived before, I was always running. I knew I was running, and I figured I was running toward my ultimate destiny, despite the fact that I seemed to be running in circles. Once I stopped running (and I only have one person to thank for that), I realized that I wasn't running toward anything at all, but rather away. I was running away from the expectations that other people had for me -- be on time for this, do that, do NOT do this, come be a part of this thing! -- and I was hiding any place I could get a chance to. I just did not care about life, because I didn't really have one of my own. My life was essentially built as a sacrifice to everybody else around me -- first because I felt like I wasn't worth it, and then because it seemed like the acceptable thing to do.
I'm starting to realize that I'm growing up more outside of university than I ever did as part of it. And that's why I'm glad I'm not getting a masters' degree right now. It would put me back into that school mentality, when all I really want to do is write music. To create. To weave. And I'm finally claiming who I used to be. Going to Ohayocon and NOT throwing up or passing out (don't ask!) because I can actually like this stuff again. Wanting to dress up as Tsubomi, even wearing my hair in pigtails on my days off. Creating HPP!. RECORDING HPP!. I think I have accomplished more this February than in a lot of Februarys before it. Sure, I'm not writing any big novel right now. But I am making my way, little by little. I understand that I don't want to be in one place forever. I really really love the job I have, but I understand that I only have one life, and thinking about it in terms of "eternal darkness" programs my mind into thinking, "This is it. This is all we've got." Dammit, why didn't I try this earlier? I'd be a lot further along if I would have just cleared my mind. I know in my heart that darkness isn't coming for me, but it's my mind I need to trick, not my heart. So don't think I no longer believe in God or anything like that if I say I'm going to be unconscious forever when I die. It's my way of motivating myself, and it's working in a really strange way.
I can't hide anymore. I can't let my sleep schedule get knocked out of whack like it has been. I know that "in such a place I lived such a life," but that life is over now, and maybe the grass isn't so green on the other side. Instead of scolding myself that I'm such a horrible person for going home and getting a normal job when I graduated...instead of holding that stigma over my head, I am forgiving of myself and of God. And I understand for the first time that God needed for me to come home for a year, to grow up, and to shake the red brick dust off of my boots and become who I needed to be.
Leaving will change me. I am fine with that. Come this summer, with or without money, with or without a job, with or without a boyfriend, I am moving. Because I will not close my eyes and descend into eternal darkness while I am still here, in this town. I will not go down while I am here.
(I can't freaking take darkness as it is anyway. That's part of what is freaking with my sleep schedule -- i get home and suddenly it's light out, and my brain thinks "Yay! Sun! New day!" And it's 9:30 before I fall asleep and I wake up at 5:30PM and I get MAD.)
A couple of random things I've noticed lately:
-- I'm not drinking soda, like, anymore, and I've noticed that I am losing weight because of it. If you want to cut back your weight, cut your soda intake -- any of it, regular, diet, the works. I drink water nonstop at work, and I probably only have a soda once every two weeks now.
-- HPP!'s first episode is going to premiere tomorrow! I am both excited and scared. Sitting here at work, I see Tsubomi and Itsuki and Erika stare up at me from the desktop, and they're all saying "hi!" in their own special way. This show has changed me on so many levels of AWESOME. I need to write a big long blog post on just Heartcatch X.x
-- Does anybody out there have any suggestions for what I should do during my trip to Nashville and Charlotte? We'll be in Nashville two days (Monday and Tuesday) and Charlotte two days (Thursday and Friday). I'm okay with just making contacts and talking to people. (Which reminds me -- Dylan, you are responsible for making business cards. Or at least printing them. Deal. I make them, you print them on that fancy paper you've got. Just don't bend them, ca-pee-chay? And I eventually need to borrow your scanner! Come on, I know you have one.)
I do this sometimes. More often I do it from my other job, in which I actually have an internet connection that does not stalk me. Today, I have no internet, so I will post this later. According to Ringo, it's 2:15 in the morning, on Saturday. My plan to switch my sleep schedule over is working -- starting at 11:30PM, I felt so miserable and tired that I wanted to shoot somebody. And it can only go downhill from here. Which means one thing -- I should be able to sleep tonight. (And I'll need to wake up at two anyway to let out the dog. DOG!)
Lunch means reading magazines, but somebody has eliminated the usual stash that I goink from. I need to ask a supervisor if they know where they went -- even if they're, like, three years old, those magazines are still entertaining (even if Sandra Bullock is still with Jesse James).
I've been reading magazines nonstop while I'm at work -- well, while I'm not drawing or working on HPP! scripts. And, of course, when I get a call, it's all put aside. But reading has been a fun way to learn something new. Currently at my desk I have the latest issue of Channel Guide magazine, which my company gets; I also have the Time I get in the mail every week. And I have a "Whole Living" magazine or something that I literally stole from the pile. I liked the magazine so much that I wanted to keep it, and the pile was literally where people put the magazines they didn't want, so I kept it. So sue. It's missing a couple of pages, but I kept it because it has a nice motivational article that I read if I feel sorry about myself anymore.
I don't have room to feel sorry for myself. I don't have room to bring myself down. There's just no room for it, even though it happens every once in a while now. It's happened less and less these days, with how much confidence I'm finding in myself. Deciding to actually go to Nashville. Wanting to do something because I want to, instead of being afraid of what my parents might think or say or do. Being an individual.
What does that mean, being an individual? I think that's a tricky word. We understand as people that it's up to us to make the changes in our lives. I'm starting to really believe that if something's not easy, then it's not worth doing. There was nothing wrong with the life that I lived before. It's just that...when I lived before, I was always running. I knew I was running, and I figured I was running toward my ultimate destiny, despite the fact that I seemed to be running in circles. Once I stopped running (and I only have one person to thank for that), I realized that I wasn't running toward anything at all, but rather away. I was running away from the expectations that other people had for me -- be on time for this, do that, do NOT do this, come be a part of this thing! -- and I was hiding any place I could get a chance to. I just did not care about life, because I didn't really have one of my own. My life was essentially built as a sacrifice to everybody else around me -- first because I felt like I wasn't worth it, and then because it seemed like the acceptable thing to do.
I'm starting to realize that I'm growing up more outside of university than I ever did as part of it. And that's why I'm glad I'm not getting a masters' degree right now. It would put me back into that school mentality, when all I really want to do is write music. To create. To weave. And I'm finally claiming who I used to be. Going to Ohayocon and NOT throwing up or passing out (don't ask!) because I can actually like this stuff again. Wanting to dress up as Tsubomi, even wearing my hair in pigtails on my days off. Creating HPP!. RECORDING HPP!. I think I have accomplished more this February than in a lot of Februarys before it. Sure, I'm not writing any big novel right now. But I am making my way, little by little. I understand that I don't want to be in one place forever. I really really love the job I have, but I understand that I only have one life, and thinking about it in terms of "eternal darkness" programs my mind into thinking, "This is it. This is all we've got." Dammit, why didn't I try this earlier? I'd be a lot further along if I would have just cleared my mind. I know in my heart that darkness isn't coming for me, but it's my mind I need to trick, not my heart. So don't think I no longer believe in God or anything like that if I say I'm going to be unconscious forever when I die. It's my way of motivating myself, and it's working in a really strange way.
I can't hide anymore. I can't let my sleep schedule get knocked out of whack like it has been. I know that "in such a place I lived such a life," but that life is over now, and maybe the grass isn't so green on the other side. Instead of scolding myself that I'm such a horrible person for going home and getting a normal job when I graduated...instead of holding that stigma over my head, I am forgiving of myself and of God. And I understand for the first time that God needed for me to come home for a year, to grow up, and to shake the red brick dust off of my boots and become who I needed to be.
Leaving will change me. I am fine with that. Come this summer, with or without money, with or without a job, with or without a boyfriend, I am moving. Because I will not close my eyes and descend into eternal darkness while I am still here, in this town. I will not go down while I am here.
(I can't freaking take darkness as it is anyway. That's part of what is freaking with my sleep schedule -- i get home and suddenly it's light out, and my brain thinks "Yay! Sun! New day!" And it's 9:30 before I fall asleep and I wake up at 5:30PM and I get MAD.)
A couple of random things I've noticed lately:
-- I'm not drinking soda, like, anymore, and I've noticed that I am losing weight because of it. If you want to cut back your weight, cut your soda intake -- any of it, regular, diet, the works. I drink water nonstop at work, and I probably only have a soda once every two weeks now.
-- HPP!'s first episode is going to premiere tomorrow! I am both excited and scared. Sitting here at work, I see Tsubomi and Itsuki and Erika stare up at me from the desktop, and they're all saying "hi!" in their own special way. This show has changed me on so many levels of AWESOME. I need to write a big long blog post on just Heartcatch X.x
-- Does anybody out there have any suggestions for what I should do during my trip to Nashville and Charlotte? We'll be in Nashville two days (Monday and Tuesday) and Charlotte two days (Thursday and Friday). I'm okay with just making contacts and talking to people. (Which reminds me -- Dylan, you are responsible for making business cards. Or at least printing them. Deal. I make them, you print them on that fancy paper you've got. Just don't bend them, ca-pee-chay? And I eventually need to borrow your scanner! Come on, I know you have one.)
no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 05:58 pm (UTC)I hope you have an awesome trip.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 06:00 pm (UTC)