041011 -- On A vs. B
Apr. 11th, 2011 04:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowThis whole painting thing at 4 in the morning was a bad idea. It's really hot in here. I'm going to turn on some fans before I go to bed -- partially to cool myself off and partially to get the fumes out of here. I hope this one stain gets out by the morning. Wait. It is morning.
*sigh*
I better go to bed before I really depress myself out. Tomorrow is finally mailing this package and taking care of the rest of the paint. Writing would be nice. I have to work again. It was fine during the winter months, but now that it's nice, all I want to do is get out. The voices in my head will destroy me if they tie me down.
I have so much HPP to do, it's not even funny. And I shouldn't have turned on Kagamine Len. That was just a bad life decision right there.
Earlier this week, I posted something on Facebook, and I quote: So I'm either going to A: hate my job and continue with music or B: quit music. Vote now. Obviously, I'm not quitting music. But I know why it depresses me when I'm at work, now. Creating writing and creating music, for me, are two different things. Words are more concrete, albeit not any less colored. I weave words on the paper the same way as I weave words or codes or prices or whatever on the computer. I can put down my billing system to write. I do so quite frequently.
Music is a completely different subject. It requires my heart, my soul. It is music that truly consumes me when I create. I can't just put things away and drop my music at the tip of a hat to go help someone. And every day I spend working on music, I just feel horrible at work because I know that THIS is what I'm supposed to be doing. I know what God put a fire in me for and I'm not doing it for a living and it's driving me nuts. It's a stinking hunger that I can't get rid of. But that's why I hardly work on music anymore. That's why my violin felt so foreign in my hands. Because it interrupts my work, and we can't have that. And I feel like working with music is so far away, when I should really just turn around and claim what is mine. Stand up, and pray to God, and have the courage to just jump.
Instead, I will go to bed. I will surround myself with painful, bittersweet, selfish memories. I will doubt the future that I am painting for myself, as I always do. But I will not doubt the man who stands next to me. He is the one who has been there, since this adventure began, the one chosen by God to lift me up and to take down the voices in my head who talk smack against me. I know that the future is riding on this certainty: that this summer will be the summer where I finally loosen my chains and break free, else I let the voices win and die.
So...yeah, guys. I choose "A" too.
*sigh*
I better go to bed before I really depress myself out. Tomorrow is finally mailing this package and taking care of the rest of the paint. Writing would be nice. I have to work again. It was fine during the winter months, but now that it's nice, all I want to do is get out. The voices in my head will destroy me if they tie me down.
I have so much HPP to do, it's not even funny. And I shouldn't have turned on Kagamine Len. That was just a bad life decision right there.
Earlier this week, I posted something on Facebook, and I quote: So I'm either going to A: hate my job and continue with music or B: quit music. Vote now. Obviously, I'm not quitting music. But I know why it depresses me when I'm at work, now. Creating writing and creating music, for me, are two different things. Words are more concrete, albeit not any less colored. I weave words on the paper the same way as I weave words or codes or prices or whatever on the computer. I can put down my billing system to write. I do so quite frequently.
Music is a completely different subject. It requires my heart, my soul. It is music that truly consumes me when I create. I can't just put things away and drop my music at the tip of a hat to go help someone. And every day I spend working on music, I just feel horrible at work because I know that THIS is what I'm supposed to be doing. I know what God put a fire in me for and I'm not doing it for a living and it's driving me nuts. It's a stinking hunger that I can't get rid of. But that's why I hardly work on music anymore. That's why my violin felt so foreign in my hands. Because it interrupts my work, and we can't have that. And I feel like working with music is so far away, when I should really just turn around and claim what is mine. Stand up, and pray to God, and have the courage to just jump.
Instead, I will go to bed. I will surround myself with painful, bittersweet, selfish memories. I will doubt the future that I am painting for myself, as I always do. But I will not doubt the man who stands next to me. He is the one who has been there, since this adventure began, the one chosen by God to lift me up and to take down the voices in my head who talk smack against me. I know that the future is riding on this certainty: that this summer will be the summer where I finally loosen my chains and break free, else I let the voices win and die.
So...yeah, guys. I choose "A" too.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-11 01:29 pm (UTC)"... my violin felt so foreign in my hands"
It sounds like you've already quit music. Is the house in the suburbs with the white-picket fence next?
That's not you, Emily.
I know that you enjoy writing and creating in other ways, but...
You know, I'm reading this book "The Christian Atheist" for our Sunday night DAB chat. The chapter we talked about was about prayer. It looked at prayer as honest communication with God. That can take many forms, talking, writing, painting, etc. We may be better at one way than another. I think with you, that way is with your music. You write to feel close to God, to commune with Him. You're open and honest in it; you glow. It's not that you aren't talking with God now, but it's like talking on the phone instead of in His arms.
I honestly hope that God grants you courage, and that you find your strength in Him.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-11 10:00 pm (UTC)*hugs*
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Date: 2011-04-12 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
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