060911 -- Thinking Outside The Cube
Jun. 10th, 2011 03:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowForgive my long entry.
Yes, I'm updating from Starbucks in Miamisburg. Yes, there is such a place. I thought about going to my company's office near the mall just to say hi, but I decided against that. This past week at work has NOT been good. (I went home crying on Thursday morning.) While I'm updating at Starbucks, I am actually writing this at 2 in the morning from Lexie's apartment. She has internet, but it is password protected and she forgot the password. (I have teased her about this already.)
I had a really important night on Tuesday, even if it was at work. I can't give you all the details (it's personal), but needless to say my faith with God skyrocketed. So I've been on a bit of a high since then, although work hasn't helped. I have highs during the afternoon and then it all fell apart when I went in for my overtime. So I was really glad when Lexie invited me over to Miamisburg today for an open mic night at the FairHaven church. I needed to get out of my apartment, I needed to get away from my job, and I needed to record me playing a song so I could put it up on YouTube for my album. (Yes. That was seriously what I was thinking about. Not church. Just playing this song and the video. That was my reason for coming.)
Well, the song didn't work out -- clearly. Couldn't find the keyboard plug. But I went anyway. The church was very nice, both on the inside and out. It was really awkward at first -- I haven't been in a church in WEEKS. I keep trying to go to North Terrace, but their times don't work for me, especially when I do work on Sunday. Plus, it's really hard to find a group of people to hang out with. I learned in high school that Zanesville is a small pond -- and it's even more true now. The general consensus is that you either graduate from high school and get married, or you graduate college and get married. Most everybody my age either is moving away, still in school, or married. (Or they have kids. Sometimes people do the steps out of order here.) There was a college level Sunday School at North Terrace that I liked on breaks, but once you're done with college, you get grouped with everybody from moms and dads to the JOY elder group. I feel like the odd fish out, like I don't belong.
Tonight, I was not the odd fish. Anybody from 18-28 was there, and there was a really good sized group as well -- about forty to forty five people. Everybody was super-nice and super-real. We ate some cookies and played some pretty dramatic games of Spoons, and then the open mic began. People began to tell stories of how God had changed their lives recently. And then I got up.
I suppose the Wreckord should tell the rest better than I can --
"I wasn't sure if I should sing or talk about what I was going through, but after I got up there, my mind totally emptied. I had no clue what I was supposed to talk about. Except I did start talking. God told the story of how I had grown up, and how lonely I was now, how I couldn't hold myself to the standards of fame. I wasn't sure how to end; God trailed it off. But before it got awkward, another guy came up and asked if the group could come up and pray for me. It was so weirdly amazing. I felt so at home." - 060911, book 8
I've written in this blog before about how I've put myself on a pedestal, how I should be famous by now and because I'm not, I'm less of a person. That's obviously not true, and I believe it even more so now. The pressure of being famous lifts...and so does the pressure to leave Ohio.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't want to jump into anything with FairHaven, especially with me being more than two hours away. I know that I had a lot of fun tonight, and there seems to be a connection, but God could change all of that. Plus, I am still planning on moving at the end of the summer. But tonight changed everything. Tonight reminded me of who I once was, who I still am. Tonight erased lies that I've built up for myself. Tonight turned the clock back. No longer am I the maid, crying alone in my house. Now, I am back at the ball, my glass slippers are on, and my King is dancing with me. I have another chance to make everything right. This time, I will not turn away. I will not rollback, even if it hurts, even if it's hard. I want this too badly. (To anybody reading this -- you know how hard it is for me. HELP!)
The further I think about it, though, the more I realize that it reminds me of another time in my life -- my first week at Miami. I went to an ice cream social with my new friend Lauren, sponsored by a Christian group on campus called the Navigators. For better or for worse (mostly better), the Miami Navs impacted me and left a lasting impression on my faith. I am greatful every day for their love, faith, and teaching. (Spelling error intended.) The parallel I draw isn't huge, but I am noting it here anyway in case it does become something of note.
I also think it was REALLY funny that Mandy, this woman I talked with, kept talking about me moving to Dayton, considering everything that God has been saying about me staying in the Midwest my entire life. For those of you who haven't read TTR or the Wreckords (my handwritten journals) in the past, God has mentioned to me on several occasions that He wants me to stay here. For my entire life. Needless to say, that hasn't gone over very well with either me or anybody I've known. You can't be famous and be in Ohio. It's a contradiction -- or, at least, it is in my book. You go to LA or NYC or Nashville to become famous. Nobody gets discovered in Zanesville, Ohio. Now, I do know He wants me out of Zanesville -- that is clear enough because I am suffocating where I am right now. But, as I said before, when the pressure to be famous is lifted, so is the pressure to go out and make a name for myself. What if I moved to Columbus? Dayton? Cincinnati -- the city God promised to me long ago? I know I want to go south, and I finally understand the appeal of New York City. But do I really want to be away from here? Do I NEED to be away from here?
I don't know if He wants me to stay here in Ohio or not. Perhaps I've just got to be content with staying here first. Perhaps I need to get content in His will for me. That's always the hardest part. Nothing's written in stone yet. Now that I'm back to where I must be, I will be able to consider every opportunity carefully with prayer.
Yes, I'm still releasing Almond Dust. And I am DEFINITELY still intending on publishing Maristar -- with a house. God pushed me to the edge with this novel before, and He'll do it again, I know. I hope He will let me stay up long enough tonight to get chapter 7 done. (I'll cross post it when I get the chance.) And I hate my job still. But I am releasing AD and Maristar because I want to get closer to God. I do want to make a living off of it someday (subtext: please buy my CD), but my worth is not made up of how many CDs I sell or how many publishers accept my entry. My worth is already taken care of.
So, in short -- had an awesome night at FairHaven tonight, really loving the community because I'm STARVING. So much closer to God, but no plans are changing for the next month. (And New Years? Still SO on.)
Yes, I'm updating from Starbucks in Miamisburg. Yes, there is such a place. I thought about going to my company's office near the mall just to say hi, but I decided against that. This past week at work has NOT been good. (I went home crying on Thursday morning.) While I'm updating at Starbucks, I am actually writing this at 2 in the morning from Lexie's apartment. She has internet, but it is password protected and she forgot the password. (I have teased her about this already.)
I had a really important night on Tuesday, even if it was at work. I can't give you all the details (it's personal), but needless to say my faith with God skyrocketed. So I've been on a bit of a high since then, although work hasn't helped. I have highs during the afternoon and then it all fell apart when I went in for my overtime. So I was really glad when Lexie invited me over to Miamisburg today for an open mic night at the FairHaven church. I needed to get out of my apartment, I needed to get away from my job, and I needed to record me playing a song so I could put it up on YouTube for my album. (Yes. That was seriously what I was thinking about. Not church. Just playing this song and the video. That was my reason for coming.)
Well, the song didn't work out -- clearly. Couldn't find the keyboard plug. But I went anyway. The church was very nice, both on the inside and out. It was really awkward at first -- I haven't been in a church in WEEKS. I keep trying to go to North Terrace, but their times don't work for me, especially when I do work on Sunday. Plus, it's really hard to find a group of people to hang out with. I learned in high school that Zanesville is a small pond -- and it's even more true now. The general consensus is that you either graduate from high school and get married, or you graduate college and get married. Most everybody my age either is moving away, still in school, or married. (Or they have kids. Sometimes people do the steps out of order here.) There was a college level Sunday School at North Terrace that I liked on breaks, but once you're done with college, you get grouped with everybody from moms and dads to the JOY elder group. I feel like the odd fish out, like I don't belong.
Tonight, I was not the odd fish. Anybody from 18-28 was there, and there was a really good sized group as well -- about forty to forty five people. Everybody was super-nice and super-real. We ate some cookies and played some pretty dramatic games of Spoons, and then the open mic began. People began to tell stories of how God had changed their lives recently. And then I got up.
I suppose the Wreckord should tell the rest better than I can --
"I wasn't sure if I should sing or talk about what I was going through, but after I got up there, my mind totally emptied. I had no clue what I was supposed to talk about. Except I did start talking. God told the story of how I had grown up, and how lonely I was now, how I couldn't hold myself to the standards of fame. I wasn't sure how to end; God trailed it off. But before it got awkward, another guy came up and asked if the group could come up and pray for me. It was so weirdly amazing. I felt so at home." - 060911, book 8
I've written in this blog before about how I've put myself on a pedestal, how I should be famous by now and because I'm not, I'm less of a person. That's obviously not true, and I believe it even more so now. The pressure of being famous lifts...and so does the pressure to leave Ohio.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't want to jump into anything with FairHaven, especially with me being more than two hours away. I know that I had a lot of fun tonight, and there seems to be a connection, but God could change all of that. Plus, I am still planning on moving at the end of the summer. But tonight changed everything. Tonight reminded me of who I once was, who I still am. Tonight erased lies that I've built up for myself. Tonight turned the clock back. No longer am I the maid, crying alone in my house. Now, I am back at the ball, my glass slippers are on, and my King is dancing with me. I have another chance to make everything right. This time, I will not turn away. I will not rollback, even if it hurts, even if it's hard. I want this too badly. (To anybody reading this -- you know how hard it is for me. HELP!)
The further I think about it, though, the more I realize that it reminds me of another time in my life -- my first week at Miami. I went to an ice cream social with my new friend Lauren, sponsored by a Christian group on campus called the Navigators. For better or for worse (mostly better), the Miami Navs impacted me and left a lasting impression on my faith. I am greatful every day for their love, faith, and teaching. (Spelling error intended.) The parallel I draw isn't huge, but I am noting it here anyway in case it does become something of note.
I also think it was REALLY funny that Mandy, this woman I talked with, kept talking about me moving to Dayton, considering everything that God has been saying about me staying in the Midwest my entire life. For those of you who haven't read TTR or the Wreckords (my handwritten journals) in the past, God has mentioned to me on several occasions that He wants me to stay here. For my entire life. Needless to say, that hasn't gone over very well with either me or anybody I've known. You can't be famous and be in Ohio. It's a contradiction -- or, at least, it is in my book. You go to LA or NYC or Nashville to become famous. Nobody gets discovered in Zanesville, Ohio. Now, I do know He wants me out of Zanesville -- that is clear enough because I am suffocating where I am right now. But, as I said before, when the pressure to be famous is lifted, so is the pressure to go out and make a name for myself. What if I moved to Columbus? Dayton? Cincinnati -- the city God promised to me long ago? I know I want to go south, and I finally understand the appeal of New York City. But do I really want to be away from here? Do I NEED to be away from here?
I don't know if He wants me to stay here in Ohio or not. Perhaps I've just got to be content with staying here first. Perhaps I need to get content in His will for me. That's always the hardest part. Nothing's written in stone yet. Now that I'm back to where I must be, I will be able to consider every opportunity carefully with prayer.
Yes, I'm still releasing Almond Dust. And I am DEFINITELY still intending on publishing Maristar -- with a house. God pushed me to the edge with this novel before, and He'll do it again, I know. I hope He will let me stay up long enough tonight to get chapter 7 done. (I'll cross post it when I get the chance.) And I hate my job still. But I am releasing AD and Maristar because I want to get closer to God. I do want to make a living off of it someday (subtext: please buy my CD), but my worth is not made up of how many CDs I sell or how many publishers accept my entry. My worth is already taken care of.
So, in short -- had an awesome night at FairHaven tonight, really loving the community because I'm STARVING. So much closer to God, but no plans are changing for the next month. (And New Years? Still SO on.)
no subject
Date: 2011-06-11 07:42 pm (UTC)Reading this made me realize I'm straying from Him...so you inspired me to go to Guardian Angels this evening. Raining or not, I'm still going.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 03:29 pm (UTC)Do you NEED to be away from there? I can tell you that, when I look at you, I see someone who's outgrown Ohio. You have great things to offer the world in the name of God, but you have to become more than girl from Zanesville in order for that to happen. Don't settle. Being content is not the same as being happy.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-12 11:18 pm (UTC)