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memorialrainbowUgh.
It's happening again.
I couldn't wake up until really late today, because I seriously could not get up. It was too dark, too humid. I had a headache. I couldn't make my way. Work gets worse. I have to hold my cool, because it's my steady radio voice against the raging voices in my head, chiding every single caller.
At least I'm getting food now.
I want back to the Point. Not that everything was better there. But everything was better there. You have no idea.
If I can just make it through today...then maybe tomorrow will be better.
How can I possibly make it anywhere when I constantly feel like this? When I yell at myself? Maybe there really is something wrong with me. Something other than my past?
Every time I hear that voice, I am reminded of a time when I lost everything. It was taken away from me, in a time when I couldn't defend myself. The long nights. Not sleeping, not eating. I put myself out there, I gave up everything for this, and in one night, I was told I wasn't good enough. Why do I still let that one night define me? Probably because of the fear. Maybe that's why, every time I try to do anything, I almost literally feel a slap in the face. I know I can't rise above it without God. But perhaps I'm too far gone?
No. That can't be true. Nobody is that far gone.
Maybe I'll go do something.
Where did you go? Why am I so alone? I sing your song in the dark, knowing I will never see you again. What happened to those days, where I chose my own destiny?
And then I look into his eyes, and I remember.
I traded that for destiny.
It's happening again.
I couldn't wake up until really late today, because I seriously could not get up. It was too dark, too humid. I had a headache. I couldn't make my way. Work gets worse. I have to hold my cool, because it's my steady radio voice against the raging voices in my head, chiding every single caller.
At least I'm getting food now.
I want back to the Point. Not that everything was better there. But everything was better there. You have no idea.
If I can just make it through today...then maybe tomorrow will be better.
How can I possibly make it anywhere when I constantly feel like this? When I yell at myself? Maybe there really is something wrong with me. Something other than my past?
Every time I hear that voice, I am reminded of a time when I lost everything. It was taken away from me, in a time when I couldn't defend myself. The long nights. Not sleeping, not eating. I put myself out there, I gave up everything for this, and in one night, I was told I wasn't good enough. Why do I still let that one night define me? Probably because of the fear. Maybe that's why, every time I try to do anything, I almost literally feel a slap in the face. I know I can't rise above it without God. But perhaps I'm too far gone?
No. That can't be true. Nobody is that far gone.
Maybe I'll go do something.
Where did you go? Why am I so alone? I sing your song in the dark, knowing I will never see you again. What happened to those days, where I chose my own destiny?
And then I look into his eyes, and I remember.
I traded that for destiny.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-23 10:54 pm (UTC)