memorialrainbow | 081211 -- Feeling

So the interviewer never called.

I woke up at 10:10, ready for the interview, although my eyes hurt. Put on my glasses, opened my files, and waited for the phone call.

At 10:30, I was nervous, but I knew I could do it.

At 10:35, I started to get even more nervous.

At 10:50, I emailed my own HR rep (the job interview is with my same company) asking if she knew what was going on. At 11:10, she emailed me back saying she didn't know what was up, but to give them a call. I did.

At 11:45, I went back to bed, leaving my phone on ringer in case it did ring.

At 3:00PM, I woke up again. Rolled over. No new phone calls.

So the interviewer was a no-show.

I couldn't figure out if what I felt was sadness or despair or what. I even tried all of my usual ruts -- I tried to blame it on myself, said that it was my fault because I didn't call them and I expected them to call me. Silly girl, you have to go get what you want. And that one mistake means they'll never hire you. But it's not like that at all. The email that HR sent never gave one indication that I had to call -- rather, they set it up so they would call me. And I asked my own HR lady if I was supposed to call, and her answer didn't mention that I had to call first.

I sat in bed for a while, unsure as to what to do. Is it over? Do I need to start looking for another job now? Do I look within the same company? Do I start over and go to NYC? Or do I just stay here?

Dylan didn't have a lot of time to talk. I wish I could have hashed this out with him, but I couldn't, because he's always busy. I should stop depending on him for anything, really. Not that it makes him a bad boyfriend, but it makes me a good girlfriend, because I can be self-sufficient. (Something I've struggled with, emotionally.)

I finally got up and watched the new episode of Usagi Drop, because I could. It made me smile and relax. And then I finally figured out what was wrong with me.

I'm not sad. I'm downright peeved.

I have been waiting for August 12 since I got the email. I figured I would pretty much know, one way or the other, if I got the job or not, even if they didn't have an answer yet. Well, it's August 12, and I still have no clue. That's what makes me mad. If I'm not good enough, you could at least tell me! If we're going to reschedule, could you shoot me an email?

My friend who works for the same company (and is also transferring) said that they'll get back to me. That's actually a relief to hear from her, and I'm gonna go in and straightaway talk with my supervisor, too...but couldn't they let me know that?

This isn't my fault, because I am ballsy enough to go after this. I am crazy enough to want to go. And I want to go to New York, even if I have no job, even if I have to get two part-time jobs making Chinese food or something to start out with. I'm looking up other jobs, but I'm not sending out my resume just yet. I might do that tomorrow, if I get time.

Not that I'm holding out any hope anymore. God said there would be sacrifice, and if I have to do it by the skin of my teeth, by goodness, I'll do it.

I'm not giving up on this dream.

Nobody is going to make me give up on this dream.

Does anybody remember when I said I couldn't do anything? I no longer believe that. I am capable, I can do whatever I set my mind to. My life is not defined by what other people say about me. Right now, there is only one person who matters -- and my parents, Dylan, my peers? They can't define who I am. They can try, but they will fail.

I'm chasing, and when I chase, I don't stop.