081611 -- Part Deux
Aug. 16th, 2011 10:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowSo I'm about ready to throw up over here, as usual. And you think that there would be help for me. It's not like I can dig myself out of a hole.
Dylan came by, obviously, and instead of getting up to celebrate with me after my interview said he was going back to bed. Said he had earned the right to sleep in. I understood wanting to sleep in, but I couldn't really fall back asleep. (Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep *before* my interview...just glad it went well.) I finally said I had had enough and called my mom and went out to lunch with her, which was a really good thing to do.
I got back to see if Dylan was *finally* up at 12:30 or so, and we picked at each other. It all came down to him talking with me in the parking lot about life and where he saw our situation. Who was the girl he fell in love with? Someone artsy, yes, but someone who wasn't afraid of life. Someone brave, who did what she wanted to.
See, that's the problem. Dylan is so self-centered, and not that it's a bad thing. He just doesn't have room to take care of me. He loves me, but he can't be my caretaker anymore than I can be his. He can no longer be an emotional crutch, someone to lean on emotionally. I have to learn how to re-do our entire relationship. It's perfectly fine when he's not here, because I don't expect him to carry me when he's not physically here. I've grown out of that this summer, from my constant road trips. Since he's been busy, I've done them myself, and I can't lean on him when I'm in Sandusky solo and he's a bajillion miles away. It's all me.
In person, though? Totally another story. I tend to open my mouth a lot, as I'm a verbal processor, but Dylan doesn't want to hear all this or that anymore. He doesn't CARE how I'm doing, he just wants me to be me, do my thing. If I'm really bent out of shape about something, that's one thing, but if I'm just looking for verification, I have to look inside for that. I have to learn how to give him space. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. It doesn't mean that I love him any less. And I really am different than I used to be. It's just that I'm so used to Dylan seeing me a certain way that I strive to perform to that expectation, and I can't anymore.
I should just keep being me around him.
That means not waiting on him. That means doing things on my terms. And yes, I know I could lose him in the process. But I want -- no -- I need to move to New York City, and I cannot wait any longer. On anybody. And if I need someone to listen, there's my mom, my sister, my friends. It doesn't have to be Dylan, and it shouldn't have to be Dylan.
And for crying out loud, I should stop trying to cling so hard to him. Just because he's not right by me all the time doesn't mean he hates me and he wants to break up with me. If I leave my hand open, that little bird will fly around and hopefully always come home. I'm learning a lot from this.
Of course, now I'm super stressed about NYC and I can't talk with him about it. I can go into logistic details, but not "Hey, I'm stressed, please talk to me." (Another reason this blog exists, I suppose.) And I can cast my cares upon God. Yes, that's hard, but it works. I just have to learn that there is one person I want to lean upon more than anything, and I just CAN'T. I have to do it, for his benefit and mine.
Follow that boy.
Do you hear me? You better hear me! We're gonna steamroll into New York City and take it by storm! And I won't rest until I find my way, until I'm complete again. Until then, I don't know who I am...but once I hear your voice, once I am standing in your city, I pray for the wings under my feet and the push forward to really make something happen. You'll lead me, won't you?
I want to be pushed into his presence...where we will color. Or maybe I'll just color. But there will be color.
LET THERE BE COLOR!
Dylan came by, obviously, and instead of getting up to celebrate with me after my interview said he was going back to bed. Said he had earned the right to sleep in. I understood wanting to sleep in, but I couldn't really fall back asleep. (Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep *before* my interview...just glad it went well.) I finally said I had had enough and called my mom and went out to lunch with her, which was a really good thing to do.
I got back to see if Dylan was *finally* up at 12:30 or so, and we picked at each other. It all came down to him talking with me in the parking lot about life and where he saw our situation. Who was the girl he fell in love with? Someone artsy, yes, but someone who wasn't afraid of life. Someone brave, who did what she wanted to.
See, that's the problem. Dylan is so self-centered, and not that it's a bad thing. He just doesn't have room to take care of me. He loves me, but he can't be my caretaker anymore than I can be his. He can no longer be an emotional crutch, someone to lean on emotionally. I have to learn how to re-do our entire relationship. It's perfectly fine when he's not here, because I don't expect him to carry me when he's not physically here. I've grown out of that this summer, from my constant road trips. Since he's been busy, I've done them myself, and I can't lean on him when I'm in Sandusky solo and he's a bajillion miles away. It's all me.
In person, though? Totally another story. I tend to open my mouth a lot, as I'm a verbal processor, but Dylan doesn't want to hear all this or that anymore. He doesn't CARE how I'm doing, he just wants me to be me, do my thing. If I'm really bent out of shape about something, that's one thing, but if I'm just looking for verification, I have to look inside for that. I have to learn how to give him space. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. It doesn't mean that I love him any less. And I really am different than I used to be. It's just that I'm so used to Dylan seeing me a certain way that I strive to perform to that expectation, and I can't anymore.
I should just keep being me around him.
That means not waiting on him. That means doing things on my terms. And yes, I know I could lose him in the process. But I want -- no -- I need to move to New York City, and I cannot wait any longer. On anybody. And if I need someone to listen, there's my mom, my sister, my friends. It doesn't have to be Dylan, and it shouldn't have to be Dylan.
And for crying out loud, I should stop trying to cling so hard to him. Just because he's not right by me all the time doesn't mean he hates me and he wants to break up with me. If I leave my hand open, that little bird will fly around and hopefully always come home. I'm learning a lot from this.
Of course, now I'm super stressed about NYC and I can't talk with him about it. I can go into logistic details, but not "Hey, I'm stressed, please talk to me." (Another reason this blog exists, I suppose.) And I can cast my cares upon God. Yes, that's hard, but it works. I just have to learn that there is one person I want to lean upon more than anything, and I just CAN'T. I have to do it, for his benefit and mine.
Follow that boy.
Do you hear me? You better hear me! We're gonna steamroll into New York City and take it by storm! And I won't rest until I find my way, until I'm complete again. Until then, I don't know who I am...but once I hear your voice, once I am standing in your city, I pray for the wings under my feet and the push forward to really make something happen. You'll lead me, won't you?
I want to be pushed into his presence...where we will color. Or maybe I'll just color. But there will be color.
LET THERE BE COLOR!
no subject
Date: 2011-08-18 12:49 pm (UTC)Have fun in NYC. Maybe I'll visit some day.