101512 -- Aftermath
Oct. 15th, 2012 09:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowI told myself I would be doing nothing today. And I have done nothing.
Almost nothing, anyway.
It's a strange feeling, this 'doing nothing.' I don't do it often. Even in my unemployed stupor, I've been busy planning, doing, making something out of nothing. It doesn't make sense to me. It's foreign. But I put words together and they make sentences, paragraphs, chapters, stories. Stories that people want to read. This is light years away from the cold, dark world I had left behind. Since when did salvation come from fluorescent lights and crowded red carpet?
It dawns on me that I didn't eat a lot this weekend. I don't think I needed to. 2167. That's another number I'm adding to my list.
It's quiet in the apartment. My roommate is showing the other new roommate stuff, I think, but I can't tell from this closed window. Funny how this room is smaller than my last one was, and yet it still fits a desk. By a window, no less. The television is finally in its rightful place, albeit not plugged in. Freedom comes at a price, but at what cost? When you no longer care for what you are leaving behind, what kind of a sacrifice is it?
Tomorrow, maybe, it will not rain. Tomorrow, I will form a plan for what I will do next. I will submit to job listings. I will decide what I want my career to be.
Maybe.
Tomorrow I will survive.
Most definitely.
For I remember what I want to do. I remember the promise I made to myself that cold, icky January day in Barnes and Noble. I remember how I shyly stepped up to the table. I felt like an outsider then. This weekend, I stood as an equal among friends, and I called myself to attention for the first time. In some ways, it worked. In others, I'm sure it didn't, but every person learns. Isn't it funny that when you find what you want to do, it doesn't hurt anymore? It just feels right?
I wait for the snow and the Metro-North train that will never come. The galaxies far above our heads connect us, and I know I won't quit that, either. It's a new moon tonight, but I can't see it from my apartment window. When I wake up tomorrow, the light will shine through, and I'll form a plan.
I think.
For now, I continue to do nothing, because for once, I have deserved it, and I finally believe I deserve it.
Almost nothing, anyway.
It's a strange feeling, this 'doing nothing.' I don't do it often. Even in my unemployed stupor, I've been busy planning, doing, making something out of nothing. It doesn't make sense to me. It's foreign. But I put words together and they make sentences, paragraphs, chapters, stories. Stories that people want to read. This is light years away from the cold, dark world I had left behind. Since when did salvation come from fluorescent lights and crowded red carpet?
It dawns on me that I didn't eat a lot this weekend. I don't think I needed to. 2167. That's another number I'm adding to my list.
It's quiet in the apartment. My roommate is showing the other new roommate stuff, I think, but I can't tell from this closed window. Funny how this room is smaller than my last one was, and yet it still fits a desk. By a window, no less. The television is finally in its rightful place, albeit not plugged in. Freedom comes at a price, but at what cost? When you no longer care for what you are leaving behind, what kind of a sacrifice is it?
Tomorrow, maybe, it will not rain. Tomorrow, I will form a plan for what I will do next. I will submit to job listings. I will decide what I want my career to be.
Maybe.
Tomorrow I will survive.
Most definitely.
For I remember what I want to do. I remember the promise I made to myself that cold, icky January day in Barnes and Noble. I remember how I shyly stepped up to the table. I felt like an outsider then. This weekend, I stood as an equal among friends, and I called myself to attention for the first time. In some ways, it worked. In others, I'm sure it didn't, but every person learns. Isn't it funny that when you find what you want to do, it doesn't hurt anymore? It just feels right?
I wait for the snow and the Metro-North train that will never come. The galaxies far above our heads connect us, and I know I won't quit that, either. It's a new moon tonight, but I can't see it from my apartment window. When I wake up tomorrow, the light will shine through, and I'll form a plan.
I think.
For now, I continue to do nothing, because for once, I have deserved it, and I finally believe I deserve it.
