012313 -- A Plan

[memorialrainbow]

It's not going to get any warmer inside this Starbucks. If it's, say, 19 degrees outside, it must be at most 40 in here. My nose is starting to drip a bit, my fingers, nose, and toes have all seen better days, but I know if I go home to the sauna right now I will curl up in bed and I won't get out for the rest of the day. Very good for my anime watching habit, very bad for trying to plan things.

So.

Now I plan things.

Because the most interesting thing has happened to me in the last month. It's said that God doesn't play tricks; I just have to wonder what his reasoning is for all of this. Whatever, I mean, it happened the way it did, but -- you know. I've spent the last year basically being a bit of a hikikomori, not leaving my room, being comfortable with where I am.

I've said this before: I came to New York City for a very specific reason. I came in on September 6th, 2011, guns blazing and a crazy light in my eyes that said I had to get this done, I had to figure it out, I had to make it work. And a month and a half later, I did.

Of course, then, the question was: "now what?"

The answer, as an analogy, laid in the Lex Line. The six train was always late; a four or a five, more specifically a five (crossed over with the two), would get me there in time. But what is 'there?' What is 'in time?' I didn't know those answers, and I wasn't given a chance to find out. On January 5, 2012, the express line was shut down at 86th Street due to -- well, something. In many ways, it caused me to lose my mind.

The year since then has been filled with successes -- figuring out I want to be a writer, Blue Impulse, NYCC -- and lots and lots of failures as well -- my trip home, becoming a hikikomori, moving to Inwood, et cetera. And there has been one thing in particular that has revealed itself: an end goal, a certainty that I will never be alone, an ending that I can finally see, a realignment that makes it plain and clear: God did this.

The question remained, though: how would I get there?

On January 6, 2013, God turned the five line back on.

One year.

To the day.

And in doing so, He has given me back the thing I came here to fight for. And it's for this reason that I need to make a plan.

Do you hear me? *Can* you hear me? We are millions of miles away now, your eyes closed, and for all I know, you cannot hear me. But I will reach you! I will not stop giving up until the year passes, at which point my heart will be truly broken, possibly irrepairable. The light in my window keeps me going. I close my eyes and hear the train, the MTA, the subway that will take me home.

I will find you.

The subway speaks to me.

Follow that boy. -- 072311

Irony strikes in the form of lightning.

Dylan taught me how to march to my own drum, how to break the rules...I can move on, maybe even work hard at life, live in a world that's not imaginary. I can't exist to make my family happy, so maybe I will just have to make my mom sad. She says I will end up being Dylan's mom. Well, I can't let her or Dad or Dylan or anybody tell me what I'm going to do.
I'm going to move to New York, because it's my dream that I've constantly buried because it wasn't convenient or practical or good enough or comfortable enough. It's scary. I know that. But I cannot afford to hide who I am any longer...because so much is on the line. -- 9th Wreckord, 072811

I want to write. I want for people to read my words. And one person did, starting this entire chain of events. There will be others who will read my words, who will listen to my music. If I stay hidden, they will never hear me. But I've never been the kind of person to fight for myself -- I've always fought for others. That's why I came to New York City in the first place.

"The place where you belong? Where do you think you belong? And what do you want to do there?"

"I want things to stay the way they are. The ones I love and me, like this forever."

"Are you sure about that? Don't you have the sinking feeling that you'll lose something precious if you realize how you really feel?"

"What do you mean?"

"How should I know? I don't know your feelings or your truth." -- 111911

Why am I afraid? I'm afraid that if I come out of my shell, I'll be hurt. And I have been. A lot. But now I have a perfect example of someone who will never hurt me; and a five train that will take me to the Hollow Way, where I'll make my transfer. It's almost too perfect.

Doug: What's the six train about?
Me: It's a cryptic thing. But it basically means that I've found my dream. And it's on the five, not the six.
Doug: But you keep taking the 6?
Me: That's why the six is late. When I got back to town after vacation, I took the two to the end of the line, where the five stops as well. I got some answers there. Some of them cryptic, yes, but others make more sense. -- 010412

I'm starting to shake in my chair at Starbucks. I should be going home soon, so I can properly stay warm. I fight for people. God gives and takes away. That's what He does. And, as I've said time and time again, He doesn't play tricks.

I had another dream recently. I was riding the one train home from Washington Heights, and you texted me saying you were in Times Square. I wasn't sure how you had gotten all the way from the edge of the world to Times Square. All I knew was that I could catch an express train at 96th Street to get to you quicker. I woke up, and I wasn't even in New York City, but I could still feel your smile on my lips.
This time, when I'm awake, I will go to Times Square and become your knight in shining armor, because some dreams deserve to come true. -- 121511

I'll say it seventy seven times over if I have to. The six train is too late. I'll run to the express every time if it means that I can survive, if another sunrise on Sand and Sky is possible, if the sun can shine no matter which end of the world I'm on.

The other end of the world.

That is where I want to go. -- 120411

Then maybe I can make it.

Then maybe the cold isn't so bad. Then maybe I can leave the safety of my own home, find my way out of this hikikomori lifestyle, rejoin society at long last. Because the thing I've been searching for, that thing I lost last January -- well, it's back. Fighting for it brought me to New York City.

And I'll fight for it as long as I possibly can.

Perhaps that's enough reason to rejoin society.

The boys and girls stand in a circle,
lowering their hands to signal the beginning.
The real and the imaginary can't be the same.
Destiny, like a circuit, starts to spin...



Ladies and Gentlemen, because of a police investigation at 125th Street, there are delays in 4, 5, and 6 trains at this time.

Downtown 4 trains are terminating at 149th Street -- Grand Concourse.
Downtown 6 trains are terminating at Third Ave -- 138th Street.

Uptown 5 trains are running on the 2 line.

Comments

[hikarmine]

Live your dream. That's all I can say. ^-^