050713 -- Relearning Everything
May. 7th, 2013 11:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowSo long time no see.
I got here to work early today. It’s been weird these past few days not having any MemR to write, since April and by definition Dvorak is done. I’m typing this entry in Dvorak right now, to continue my training, so I can someday be the best I can be with this layout. But I wouldn’t have gotten there without your help.
About Dvorak, I have a couple of suggestions:
1: If Dvorak were to be edited and put up for you to read elsewhere, would you? I’m more talking about say an e-reader, and there would probably be a book version (though I know you can read the entire thing on the blog right now, it would definitely go through some editing first) but I want to see how many people will continue to support Dvorak. And on that note...
2: How many people would like to see the Dvorak story continue in one way or another? It would probably be a sequel, with a slightly different cast of characters, but Mac and Carissa would still be in it somehow (cameo roles?). I may make a poll about this on the Facebook group.
Also, if I made a roller coaster blog, would anybody read it? I’m trying to judge and test the waters here a little bit. Writing a memoir is on the list of things to do on the Grand Master List, but to me it’s more about writing nonfiction than an actual memoir. People are all like, “you haven’t lived enough for a memoir” and I’m like “do you really know that?” But whatever, I’m not going to judge.
Not bad speed on Dvorak.
And now for something completely different.
I don’t do very well with friendships. I make one friend. I’m okay with that one friend. But gosh darnit, friendships are hard things to keep going. You have to make a point of wanting to see this person, to do things with them. I’m kind of wishing that I had discovered this while I was doing the Grand Master List, because now I see that I have been avoiding people (not all people) because it’s just second nature to. I got really burned when I left my hometown for Zanesville, and I’ve not really understood how to have friends since. When I lived in Brookover, it was hard for me to do things with people and I, while I left the house all the time, spent most of my time by myself. I think that has contributed to more than a few problems.
Granted, I didn’t really want to be in Zanesville at the time. But I don’t have that luxury now. There are eight million people in this city, all of them (most?) just waiting to get to know me. Not because I’m a prodigy, but because I’m a cool person.
I want to make an effort to go do things with more people. I thought last year that God wouldn’t want me to do that, because I got sick (and flamboyantly so) when I tried to plan stuff with people. Back in my Miami days, if I had difficulty doing something, I would say it’s God trying to stop me and I would say it was His will that I not do it. I don’t know where I learned that cop out technique, but it’s a good one.
If you’re reading this and you are my friend, would you try to make plans with me soon? The good news is that I am meeting up with friends this Friday night, and next weekend, but in the future this may be an issue. And if you are my friend and I haven’t talked to you in a long time, now you kind of understand why. It’s psychologically easier for me to be alone, and I thought that’s what I always wanted -- to be left alone. But I really just wanted people to stop tearing me down. And as I finally free myself from that stigma, I want for friends to step in and come around me, to love me for who I am and not for what I can help you with, or how many things I buy you, or other superficial reasons. I just want to be loved because I’m Emily, and I need to be forgiven, and I’m confessing that I need help with this. And this is the most public place to do it.
So yeah. I’m socially awkward. Welcome to my life. But at least I’m saying I need help.
I used to be the person who would feel all alone in a crowded room -- I know that a lot of people at Miami will remember me saying that. And I know Lexie can testify to the hours and hours I sat in my chair with Ringo while something or another was going on in my house. Always present, but never really there. But I also wandered the halls of my freshman dorm wanting friends, and I got them. I just hope that they aren’t as conditional as I thought they were upon graduation.
Both the most remarkable and the most tragic thing happened to me right before I graduated Miami. And it changed me, ultimately, for the worse. And I’m still getting over it. That’s what happens after you get out of a culture of abuse. You have to relearn everything. And I’m doing it one step at a time, by being honest. And if you can’t take this me, then be patient. I’m still figuring everything out myself. It’ll take time.
But I’m okay with time. I’m 25, and time has stopped, and everything is beautiful at the breakdown.
I got here to work early today. It’s been weird these past few days not having any MemR to write, since April and by definition Dvorak is done. I’m typing this entry in Dvorak right now, to continue my training, so I can someday be the best I can be with this layout. But I wouldn’t have gotten there without your help.
About Dvorak, I have a couple of suggestions:
1: If Dvorak were to be edited and put up for you to read elsewhere, would you? I’m more talking about say an e-reader, and there would probably be a book version (though I know you can read the entire thing on the blog right now, it would definitely go through some editing first) but I want to see how many people will continue to support Dvorak. And on that note...
2: How many people would like to see the Dvorak story continue in one way or another? It would probably be a sequel, with a slightly different cast of characters, but Mac and Carissa would still be in it somehow (cameo roles?). I may make a poll about this on the Facebook group.
Also, if I made a roller coaster blog, would anybody read it? I’m trying to judge and test the waters here a little bit. Writing a memoir is on the list of things to do on the Grand Master List, but to me it’s more about writing nonfiction than an actual memoir. People are all like, “you haven’t lived enough for a memoir” and I’m like “do you really know that?” But whatever, I’m not going to judge.
Not bad speed on Dvorak.
And now for something completely different.
I don’t do very well with friendships. I make one friend. I’m okay with that one friend. But gosh darnit, friendships are hard things to keep going. You have to make a point of wanting to see this person, to do things with them. I’m kind of wishing that I had discovered this while I was doing the Grand Master List, because now I see that I have been avoiding people (not all people) because it’s just second nature to. I got really burned when I left my hometown for Zanesville, and I’ve not really understood how to have friends since. When I lived in Brookover, it was hard for me to do things with people and I, while I left the house all the time, spent most of my time by myself. I think that has contributed to more than a few problems.
Granted, I didn’t really want to be in Zanesville at the time. But I don’t have that luxury now. There are eight million people in this city, all of them (most?) just waiting to get to know me. Not because I’m a prodigy, but because I’m a cool person.
I want to make an effort to go do things with more people. I thought last year that God wouldn’t want me to do that, because I got sick (and flamboyantly so) when I tried to plan stuff with people. Back in my Miami days, if I had difficulty doing something, I would say it’s God trying to stop me and I would say it was His will that I not do it. I don’t know where I learned that cop out technique, but it’s a good one.
If you’re reading this and you are my friend, would you try to make plans with me soon? The good news is that I am meeting up with friends this Friday night, and next weekend, but in the future this may be an issue. And if you are my friend and I haven’t talked to you in a long time, now you kind of understand why. It’s psychologically easier for me to be alone, and I thought that’s what I always wanted -- to be left alone. But I really just wanted people to stop tearing me down. And as I finally free myself from that stigma, I want for friends to step in and come around me, to love me for who I am and not for what I can help you with, or how many things I buy you, or other superficial reasons. I just want to be loved because I’m Emily, and I need to be forgiven, and I’m confessing that I need help with this. And this is the most public place to do it.
So yeah. I’m socially awkward. Welcome to my life. But at least I’m saying I need help.
I used to be the person who would feel all alone in a crowded room -- I know that a lot of people at Miami will remember me saying that. And I know Lexie can testify to the hours and hours I sat in my chair with Ringo while something or another was going on in my house. Always present, but never really there. But I also wandered the halls of my freshman dorm wanting friends, and I got them. I just hope that they aren’t as conditional as I thought they were upon graduation.
Both the most remarkable and the most tragic thing happened to me right before I graduated Miami. And it changed me, ultimately, for the worse. And I’m still getting over it. That’s what happens after you get out of a culture of abuse. You have to relearn everything. And I’m doing it one step at a time, by being honest. And if you can’t take this me, then be patient. I’m still figuring everything out myself. It’ll take time.
But I’m okay with time. I’m 25, and time has stopped, and everything is beautiful at the breakdown.
