093017 - So Anyway
Sep. 30th, 2017 07:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowSo anyway, I’m leaving.
I’m sure you all saw this coming -- I don’t really use this blog anymore. I’m not gonna shut it down. I’m a big fan of leaving records behind. I’m just not gonna post here anymore. I have lots of other places I post, and it’s about time I streamlined everything for my future.
Before I go, though, I wanted to post one more time and update anybody who might be listening on what’s going on in my world.
Pretty sure the last time I posted here with substance, I was still in NYC. I’m not anymore. I’m back in Ohio. I will be staying in Ohio for a long time -- probably 25 years, at least. The longer, the better. A good friend of mine once said that NYC remembers those it accepts, and so I know someday I will return. How and when is still unknown.
I’ll probably at least return for a day after Genericon this year. I wanted to go earlier, but circumstances aren’t working out that way.
I’m not writing a heck of a lot at the moment. Post-NYCC 2014 sucked all of the joy out of writing for me, save for fanfiction that hasn’t even seen the light of day yet. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. The only other thing I’m remotely writing is Blue Impulse, so I’ll probably be writing along those lines for this year’s NaNo.
I’m one of the new MLs for Columbus. I need to be more on top of that, but I think things will get going once next month hits.
If you will all remember, I used my position at Time Warner Cable to get myself a job in the city. Tomorrow will be my 1 year anniversary of being back with TWC (now Spectrum). I’m not in the same department, though! I’m doing something incredibly specialized, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get a raise soon.
I live on the west side of town. Not saying exactly where. My parents are in Columbus, too now! The house in Zanesville has sold. Both of my siblings were incredibly sad.
I finally started going back to conventions. I had to skip Genericon this year, which was a Royally Bad Life Decision but much needed, as it jump started a very important path for me. I went to Colossalcon for a day, then Matsuricon, and hope to make my full return for Ohayocon. There is a Japanese arcade near where I live, and I am friends with everybody there. Even though it’s on a side of town that’s not the best, I feel safe there.
I own a car! I have debt! It’s nothing I can’t manage. My parents can’t stand being empty nesters so my dad does my laundry. The dog is old, but good. Steph is in Carolina with her man and a dog. Luke is at Miami, hopefully doing better than I did.
I’m sure a lot of you are aware that I have a very unique way of seeing the world. My viewpoints on this have drastically changed from the last time I posted here. I mentioned on my website, in my Odyssey of Light series, something I’d like to quote now:
See, here’s the thing: if you go your entire sixteen years being told by other people you’re weird, you will start to think you’re weird. If the kids in your sixth grade class start calling you a Martian and that you should go back to your home planet, you’ll honestly start to think you’re maybe not from here.
And I thought I was a Martian. Not from here. Isolated. I’ve felt this my entire life, folks. But I understand now that those ideas are false. I am just a person, just like everybody else. The way I see the world doesn’t mean I’m an alien or off kilter or what not. It just means I have a unique way of seeing the world.
My viewpoint, in addition to ridiculous pressure as a child and being isolated, contributed to this cult of the mind. And I did okay, in my own little corner in my own little chair, but here’s the thing -- I wasn’t contributing to society. I was working at a gym part time, for crying out loud. And I was quite aware of the spinning ball of doom, where I would make an effort to get away and then be swept back up in emotions. I feel things in Great Big Quantities, and I still do, but I understand now that those are just feelings and they do not define me.
So that part of my life is over. It was a false ideal that I thought would cause me to race for the sky, but I really just propelled into a wall over and over.
I know there are people that I have hurt with my decisions on things. I’ve made peace with it, and I hope you can too. I would appreciate it if people did not talk to me about this, and that if we did converse about it on a regular basis, that you please not speak to me again. I have moved on with my life, and I hope you move on as well. There’s no reason for me to stir up drama when it never should have existed in the first place.
That said, there is a very loose amount of this ‘cult of the mind’ still existing in my brain, mostly because Mikkun and I figured out if I totally got rid of it, my brain stopped functioning and I went catatonic. We’ve worked out a process that pushes me to be my best me in the real world. It also enables me to still hold things near and dear to me. The summer of 2005 will always be a wonder and a miracle to me, and that has not changed. And there are miracles that have happened since then, but that’s just what they are -- miracles. We are not meant to understand every little thing about the cosmos. What purpose is there to that?
I am rather agnostic about my beliefs at the moment -- I believe this universe is far too wide for us to understand, and how it works will always be a mystery unless we reach some final Nirvana. Until then, we should stay away from what we don’t know, not try to waste our time figuring it out, and enjoy the life that we were gifted with here.
So again, please don’t talk to me about it.
If you become aware that you have a mental issue, rely on those around you to tell you what’s wrong, and then fix the issue to the best of your ability. It’s okay to be mentally ill. We should find ways to embrace what’s wrong with us. But at the same time, every person is unique. Once you’re aware that you’re ill, treat it like any other illness and get help, whether that is with therapy or meds -- whatever works for you, in order to get you back to being a functional member of society. Find what works for you. Lauren DeStefano literally cannot leave her house because of her anxiety, but she is also a NYT bestselling author with a massive Twitter following. This world is NOT as scary as you think, and if I can jump in, so can you.
Please get help. PLEASE GET HELP. It’s okay to be sick. What’s not okay is to continue to be sick, to not treat the illness, to suffer. Get help, any way you can. Seek out therapy. Have your doctor find meds that help you see this world for what it really is. Push aside anybody who tries to stop you, friends and family alike. If those who loved me had trusted me long ago, none of this would have happened, and I would be a successful human being by now with a career so stratospheric it would be like the roller coaster I love so much. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. I wasted so much time being sick, and I’m over it, and I want the same for others. The blanket on your bed is okay to hide under for a little while, but I want to reach out and let you know that you’re not alone, and that, while we can’t beat monsters we don’t understand, we can find a way of living that works for us.
I know I have.
For a long time, my interpersonal relationships were damaged and basically nonfunctioning because of this cult of the mind. Once I was able to shove it aside and see the truth for what it really is, my world has improved so much for the better. I have a place to hang with friends, and a partner who understands and helps me with my issues. I repent in every way I can for the damage I have caused, but I also forgive myself, and there is no sense in punishing myself for the past.
Mikkun has depression. The doctors have worked with him to find meds that help him function in everyday life, and he can’t and won’t operate without them. They have changed the chemistry of his brain in a way that can’t function otherwise. When we were first talking about this, he asked if I wanted to go on meds -- and I said no. Synesthesia is a vastly misunderstood phenomenon, but I have learned how to use mine in a way that benefits me living in this real world. If I try a drug that messes with my perception, I will literally have to relearn how to live my entire life, in addition to probably losing music for good.
We worked it out and found therapy options that worked for me. And so far, they have! I am eternally grateful that the retraining of my mind has stuck for the most part. There are slip ups, of course, and I will always think bad things. But those thoughts do not define me, and I forgive myself for my moments of pain. This modern day world is super stressful, and we have to find outlets that work for us to fight that stress. I used to disappear, and now I smash buttons in time with music. I much prefer the latter.
I have been on a grand quest of sorts to reclaim my identity and my work, away from the past that has haunted me. The writing thing will come back, probably starting with Blue Impulse, then going to other things. Dvorak will continue, someday. I know it will.
My music is going well -- I released an album out into the world for the first time in years, and I’m now a member of ASCAP. I have been working on a project that will hopefully tie everything together for me and finally bring to light what I’ve always wanted to do. Everybody whom I’ve told about it has said it’s a brilliant idea, but I’m still keeping it secret until it’s out.
I don’t know if I will ever go to grad school. It was my plan to come back to Ohio and get a graduate degree in classical music composition, then go back to NYC and do something with that degree there, and someday find a woman I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. God -- or the universe, or whatever -- had other plans, and now my place is at an arcade with a boy in Ohio. I am still gay, though. Still INCREDIBLY gay. Me dating a boy does not change that.
Mikkun understands that and is a huge pillar of support for all facets of my identity. We met at the arcade on a night described best as August 16th-esque. He feels little to nothing, and I Feel All The Things, and we balance each other out. He also has health issues that keep him from driving, so I don’t see him all the time, but it’s perfect because we’re not on top of each other. We have a healthy relationship, and it’s quite honestly one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in years and great, now I’m crying at work.
So that’s me. If you want to continue following me, you can check my website, or my Facebook, or pretty much anywhere else you can find me. I’m not going anywhere. The old me may have disappeared into a flash of blinding light, but Emily is even cooler and more fantastic than that. It’s wrong to live in an opaque shadow; only by becoming translucent can we let the light of this real sun illuminate our true purpose. And I’ve found mine, and guys -- it’s gonna be awesome. I can just feel it. That moment when you know you’ve found what you want to do for the rest of your life -- it’s terrifying, but it’s here, and that’s what’s important.
Thank you for following me this far. And stay tuned. You won’t regret the next part.
(For once upon a time, there was a girl who lived happily ever after. And then came the “dot dot dot”...)
I’m sure you all saw this coming -- I don’t really use this blog anymore. I’m not gonna shut it down. I’m a big fan of leaving records behind. I’m just not gonna post here anymore. I have lots of other places I post, and it’s about time I streamlined everything for my future.
Before I go, though, I wanted to post one more time and update anybody who might be listening on what’s going on in my world.
Pretty sure the last time I posted here with substance, I was still in NYC. I’m not anymore. I’m back in Ohio. I will be staying in Ohio for a long time -- probably 25 years, at least. The longer, the better. A good friend of mine once said that NYC remembers those it accepts, and so I know someday I will return. How and when is still unknown.
I’ll probably at least return for a day after Genericon this year. I wanted to go earlier, but circumstances aren’t working out that way.
I’m not writing a heck of a lot at the moment. Post-NYCC 2014 sucked all of the joy out of writing for me, save for fanfiction that hasn’t even seen the light of day yet. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. The only other thing I’m remotely writing is Blue Impulse, so I’ll probably be writing along those lines for this year’s NaNo.
I’m one of the new MLs for Columbus. I need to be more on top of that, but I think things will get going once next month hits.
If you will all remember, I used my position at Time Warner Cable to get myself a job in the city. Tomorrow will be my 1 year anniversary of being back with TWC (now Spectrum). I’m not in the same department, though! I’m doing something incredibly specialized, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get a raise soon.
I live on the west side of town. Not saying exactly where. My parents are in Columbus, too now! The house in Zanesville has sold. Both of my siblings were incredibly sad.
I finally started going back to conventions. I had to skip Genericon this year, which was a Royally Bad Life Decision but much needed, as it jump started a very important path for me. I went to Colossalcon for a day, then Matsuricon, and hope to make my full return for Ohayocon. There is a Japanese arcade near where I live, and I am friends with everybody there. Even though it’s on a side of town that’s not the best, I feel safe there.
I own a car! I have debt! It’s nothing I can’t manage. My parents can’t stand being empty nesters so my dad does my laundry. The dog is old, but good. Steph is in Carolina with her man and a dog. Luke is at Miami, hopefully doing better than I did.
I’m sure a lot of you are aware that I have a very unique way of seeing the world. My viewpoints on this have drastically changed from the last time I posted here. I mentioned on my website, in my Odyssey of Light series, something I’d like to quote now:
See, here’s the thing: if you go your entire sixteen years being told by other people you’re weird, you will start to think you’re weird. If the kids in your sixth grade class start calling you a Martian and that you should go back to your home planet, you’ll honestly start to think you’re maybe not from here.
And I thought I was a Martian. Not from here. Isolated. I’ve felt this my entire life, folks. But I understand now that those ideas are false. I am just a person, just like everybody else. The way I see the world doesn’t mean I’m an alien or off kilter or what not. It just means I have a unique way of seeing the world.
My viewpoint, in addition to ridiculous pressure as a child and being isolated, contributed to this cult of the mind. And I did okay, in my own little corner in my own little chair, but here’s the thing -- I wasn’t contributing to society. I was working at a gym part time, for crying out loud. And I was quite aware of the spinning ball of doom, where I would make an effort to get away and then be swept back up in emotions. I feel things in Great Big Quantities, and I still do, but I understand now that those are just feelings and they do not define me.
So that part of my life is over. It was a false ideal that I thought would cause me to race for the sky, but I really just propelled into a wall over and over.
I know there are people that I have hurt with my decisions on things. I’ve made peace with it, and I hope you can too. I would appreciate it if people did not talk to me about this, and that if we did converse about it on a regular basis, that you please not speak to me again. I have moved on with my life, and I hope you move on as well. There’s no reason for me to stir up drama when it never should have existed in the first place.
That said, there is a very loose amount of this ‘cult of the mind’ still existing in my brain, mostly because Mikkun and I figured out if I totally got rid of it, my brain stopped functioning and I went catatonic. We’ve worked out a process that pushes me to be my best me in the real world. It also enables me to still hold things near and dear to me. The summer of 2005 will always be a wonder and a miracle to me, and that has not changed. And there are miracles that have happened since then, but that’s just what they are -- miracles. We are not meant to understand every little thing about the cosmos. What purpose is there to that?
I am rather agnostic about my beliefs at the moment -- I believe this universe is far too wide for us to understand, and how it works will always be a mystery unless we reach some final Nirvana. Until then, we should stay away from what we don’t know, not try to waste our time figuring it out, and enjoy the life that we were gifted with here.
So again, please don’t talk to me about it.
If you become aware that you have a mental issue, rely on those around you to tell you what’s wrong, and then fix the issue to the best of your ability. It’s okay to be mentally ill. We should find ways to embrace what’s wrong with us. But at the same time, every person is unique. Once you’re aware that you’re ill, treat it like any other illness and get help, whether that is with therapy or meds -- whatever works for you, in order to get you back to being a functional member of society. Find what works for you. Lauren DeStefano literally cannot leave her house because of her anxiety, but she is also a NYT bestselling author with a massive Twitter following. This world is NOT as scary as you think, and if I can jump in, so can you.
Please get help. PLEASE GET HELP. It’s okay to be sick. What’s not okay is to continue to be sick, to not treat the illness, to suffer. Get help, any way you can. Seek out therapy. Have your doctor find meds that help you see this world for what it really is. Push aside anybody who tries to stop you, friends and family alike. If those who loved me had trusted me long ago, none of this would have happened, and I would be a successful human being by now with a career so stratospheric it would be like the roller coaster I love so much. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. I wasted so much time being sick, and I’m over it, and I want the same for others. The blanket on your bed is okay to hide under for a little while, but I want to reach out and let you know that you’re not alone, and that, while we can’t beat monsters we don’t understand, we can find a way of living that works for us.
I know I have.
For a long time, my interpersonal relationships were damaged and basically nonfunctioning because of this cult of the mind. Once I was able to shove it aside and see the truth for what it really is, my world has improved so much for the better. I have a place to hang with friends, and a partner who understands and helps me with my issues. I repent in every way I can for the damage I have caused, but I also forgive myself, and there is no sense in punishing myself for the past.
Mikkun has depression. The doctors have worked with him to find meds that help him function in everyday life, and he can’t and won’t operate without them. They have changed the chemistry of his brain in a way that can’t function otherwise. When we were first talking about this, he asked if I wanted to go on meds -- and I said no. Synesthesia is a vastly misunderstood phenomenon, but I have learned how to use mine in a way that benefits me living in this real world. If I try a drug that messes with my perception, I will literally have to relearn how to live my entire life, in addition to probably losing music for good.
We worked it out and found therapy options that worked for me. And so far, they have! I am eternally grateful that the retraining of my mind has stuck for the most part. There are slip ups, of course, and I will always think bad things. But those thoughts do not define me, and I forgive myself for my moments of pain. This modern day world is super stressful, and we have to find outlets that work for us to fight that stress. I used to disappear, and now I smash buttons in time with music. I much prefer the latter.
I have been on a grand quest of sorts to reclaim my identity and my work, away from the past that has haunted me. The writing thing will come back, probably starting with Blue Impulse, then going to other things. Dvorak will continue, someday. I know it will.
My music is going well -- I released an album out into the world for the first time in years, and I’m now a member of ASCAP. I have been working on a project that will hopefully tie everything together for me and finally bring to light what I’ve always wanted to do. Everybody whom I’ve told about it has said it’s a brilliant idea, but I’m still keeping it secret until it’s out.
I don’t know if I will ever go to grad school. It was my plan to come back to Ohio and get a graduate degree in classical music composition, then go back to NYC and do something with that degree there, and someday find a woman I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. God -- or the universe, or whatever -- had other plans, and now my place is at an arcade with a boy in Ohio. I am still gay, though. Still INCREDIBLY gay. Me dating a boy does not change that.
Mikkun understands that and is a huge pillar of support for all facets of my identity. We met at the arcade on a night described best as August 16th-esque. He feels little to nothing, and I Feel All The Things, and we balance each other out. He also has health issues that keep him from driving, so I don’t see him all the time, but it’s perfect because we’re not on top of each other. We have a healthy relationship, and it’s quite honestly one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in years and great, now I’m crying at work.
So that’s me. If you want to continue following me, you can check my website, or my Facebook, or pretty much anywhere else you can find me. I’m not going anywhere. The old me may have disappeared into a flash of blinding light, but Emily is even cooler and more fantastic than that. It’s wrong to live in an opaque shadow; only by becoming translucent can we let the light of this real sun illuminate our true purpose. And I’ve found mine, and guys -- it’s gonna be awesome. I can just feel it. That moment when you know you’ve found what you want to do for the rest of your life -- it’s terrifying, but it’s here, and that’s what’s important.
Thank you for following me this far. And stay tuned. You won’t regret the next part.
(For once upon a time, there was a girl who lived happily ever after. And then came the “dot dot dot”...)
