041311 -- Saranghae

I need to post before I lose myself again.

It's 6:15 in the morning, according to my box. Cold in the apartment. My socks are sweaty. I'm still in my dress, plus sweatpants since it's so chilly. Everything is off save for the music blaring in my ears. I want a nap, but I know I have to get this down before I fade out again.

I had another interesting night at work. Lots of phone calls. One person asked me why I was doing what I was doing. It left me kind of in shock. Tonight, on my lunch break, instead of walking on the treadmill, I ran. It felt good, the same way that the road beneath my wheels does.

I wish I could keep going into the past. Or, rather, make the past the present and the future. I wish I could go back to the Bible Study I led and not have the answers, so I could look them up on my own time. I want another snowball fight in the band field with Doug and Jake. I want another night in Bishop. I want to stay up and create music, even if it sucks and Garageband hates me. I want my world before I started making mistakes, before I started to keep trying my hand at this whole creation thing. I feel like I had everything in Oxford, and then little by little, I threw it all away. There are some things I will never get back, I know that for sure. But there are others I can try to reclaim.

Where did I cross the line? Perhaps it was when I moved to overnights and stopped going to church (always a bad sign). Perhaps it was when I stopped hanging out with people and started hanging out way too much with myself. Jessica's bridal shower got me both of those: with people I knew, and in a church. It was an insane culture shock, which was originally what got me thinking. Am I really happy now, on my own? No, I'm not. I can change things. I'm not a tree. I'm not stuck.

And yet, I'm programmed to. Instead of going to church, I will sleep. Instead of working on music, I will spend my days wandering around and watching TV and not cleaning my apartment (okay, some things never change.)

But you know what I really want? I want a sleepover with my freshman study girls. I want to go to Oxford and not skirt the line and have people actually know I'm there. I want to be real again. All I really really really REALLY wanna do is do what God wants me to do. I've known what that is for so long, and for some odd reason, I've always said no. Now I'm here and I'm miserable and I really just need to up and go, before I move even further away from Ohio and I totally miss my chance. I have cried more times tonight than I care to know. I cried at work. I didn't bawl, like I am now. But I am tired of this.

I don't think it's just April being April, either. I have a history of hating this month, but right now, all I hate is myself for making plans and hoping they will stick and believing in God's will when all along it's just me reacting to my surroundings. If I would just listen. If I would just listen. I am walking on freaking eggshells and I don't know what to do and I know what to do if I would just FREAKING do it!

But I won't. I'll go to bed and in the morning I'll totally forget I even wrote this. I'll wake up late. I'll drink more coffee. Try to find something that will fill this hole. I'm tired of losing stuff, and I'm so scared that if I jump, that if I do what God tells me to do, I'll lose it all again. I get the feeling that it'll be okay, that I won't actually lose what is most important to me.

I'm back to not believing myself.

I need a rescue. I need an S.O.S. I'm a freaking mess, guys. How did I get here?

041311 -- Time Shift

Wireless that says it's available, but is really not when you push the button. It's God's way of saying, yeah, you thought you could get away with doing whatever you wanted? You're listening to Me. Yeah, thanks, Dad.

It's 11:09AM right now. Yeah. You read that right. 11:09. Apparently God decided I was not sleeping this morning, so I went to Newark to chill out/go find Him. Despite the fact that I've been a sleepwalker (note to anybody reading: avoid 146 like the plague in about an hour!) I've actually enjoyed it. Every time I walk outside I get this weird "OMIGOSH THERE IS SUN" thing going on. It's bright. I have my glasses on, and I keep pushing them closer to my nose assuming they'll block out the sun. I keep wondering if I'll wake up from this dream. I had wanted to go to Mickey D's for lunch, but instead, I am at Chipotle, doing my best Rich Jarvi impression.

I miss Richmond, all of a sudden. I don't miss the snow going back and forth from Richmond. Maybe I'm just a dork.

I keep thinking about moving back to Miami. I know Dylan hates Miami. But for me to deny Miami is for me to deny everything I've really liked about myself. Miami was where I found myself, despite it all. How could I ever hate a place like that? Dylan keeps saying that he's never going to go back, that the place makes him hurl. I just sit there and nod near him, wondering why I keep my mouth shut. I love Miami.

More than that, I think I really loved being a part of the Navigators. As I crack open my Bible for the first time in ages (kidding...sort of) I turn to Isaiah 54 --

Make your tent bigger; stretch it out and make it wider.
Do not hold back.
Make the ropes longer and its stakes stronger,
because you will spread out to the right and to the left.
Your children will take over other nations,
and they will again live in cities that once were destroyed.

Definitely one of my favorite chapters of all time. (That's the NCV, my version of choice, btw.) It was the verse of the year (that portion) last year for the Navs. We did a special event for all of the women called "God, Sex, & Men." It was a ton of fun, and as one of the senior girls, I got a chance to give my testimony about how far I've come. If you asked me to give my testimony today, I'd politely decline (and then go run and hide). But I remember standing there, in that house, and hearing God speak that verse to me. Those girls were my children. What would they think if they saw me now? (Feel free to speak up if you're reading, girls.)

Starting to crash.

Am I scared of what Dylan will think of all this? Of course. It's hard to converse with him anymore; he's so busy and we aren't on the same timeframe. I know what I must do, but then it wavers again and I think of what he would say. And then I chide myself. How crazy, how lopsided must I sound? I know he wants out. I want out, too. Or at least I think I do. I love how I don't have a plan, and then I remember it was never about my plan anyway. And the scary thing is, if Dylan's busy, I know that people will listen. I think I'm really scared of losing him somewhere along the way, to his own dreams, to my goals. Ahh, compromise in a relationship. Gotta love it, right?

I thought I saw a butterfly outside right now (it was just a bahd). I remember when I thought butterflies were signs of God's grace. Oh, how ironic.

What do I do? It's so complicated. I thought I had the answers, and I don't even know what I have now. I mean, I can't go back to Miami. But I miss helping people with an overflow instead of because I'm getting paid to do it.

Perhaps God is saying I have the strength to do it. I know I do, with Him. I also know it's not that simple. At least I will sleep soundly when I get back to the apartment, in His arms, and make sure I'm awake in time for work.

Could you all pray for me? Even those of you who don't pray? God's got my back, and I know He does, but pray that I have the ability not only to listen, but to heed His advice and JUST FREAKING DO IT!

Yeah...apparently being with God turns off my swear switch. This is going to be interesting.

One thing's for sure -- even as disjointed as this journal entry is -- no matter what happens, the sky is blue and wide and the sun is yellow and gorgeous, and we revolve around it in a way that can only bring glory. I miss who I was, and while I can never be a student at Miami again, I know what I have to do as far as 'finding myself' requires.

OK, enough ranting, my song is almost done, and I need to make it back to Zanesville in one piece. This is not how I thought my Wednesday would go. It's Wednesday? Did not know that. >