041311 -- Saranghae
Apr. 13th, 2011 06:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memorialrainbowI need to post before I lose myself again.
It's 6:15 in the morning, according to my box. Cold in the apartment. My socks are sweaty. I'm still in my dress, plus sweatpants since it's so chilly. Everything is off save for the music blaring in my ears. I want a nap, but I know I have to get this down before I fade out again.
I had another interesting night at work. Lots of phone calls. One person asked me why I was doing what I was doing. It left me kind of in shock. Tonight, on my lunch break, instead of walking on the treadmill, I ran. It felt good, the same way that the road beneath my wheels does.
I wish I could keep going into the past. Or, rather, make the past the present and the future. I wish I could go back to the Bible Study I led and not have the answers, so I could look them up on my own time. I want another snowball fight in the band field with Doug and Jake. I want another night in Bishop. I want to stay up and create music, even if it sucks and Garageband hates me. I want my world before I started making mistakes, before I started to keep trying my hand at this whole creation thing. I feel like I had everything in Oxford, and then little by little, I threw it all away. There are some things I will never get back, I know that for sure. But there are others I can try to reclaim.
Where did I cross the line? Perhaps it was when I moved to overnights and stopped going to church (always a bad sign). Perhaps it was when I stopped hanging out with people and started hanging out way too much with myself. Jessica's bridal shower got me both of those: with people I knew, and in a church. It was an insane culture shock, which was originally what got me thinking. Am I really happy now, on my own? No, I'm not. I can change things. I'm not a tree. I'm not stuck.
And yet, I'm programmed to. Instead of going to church, I will sleep. Instead of working on music, I will spend my days wandering around and watching TV and not cleaning my apartment (okay, some things never change.)
But you know what I really want? I want a sleepover with my freshman study girls. I want to go to Oxford and not skirt the line and have people actually know I'm there. I want to be real again. All I really really really REALLY wanna do is do what God wants me to do. I've known what that is for so long, and for some odd reason, I've always said no. Now I'm here and I'm miserable and I really just need to up and go, before I move even further away from Ohio and I totally miss my chance. I have cried more times tonight than I care to know. I cried at work. I didn't bawl, like I am now. But I am tired of this.
I don't think it's just April being April, either. I have a history of hating this month, but right now, all I hate is myself for making plans and hoping they will stick and believing in God's will when all along it's just me reacting to my surroundings. If I would just listen. If I would just listen. I am walking on freaking eggshells and I don't know what to do and I know what to do if I would just FREAKING do it!
But I won't. I'll go to bed and in the morning I'll totally forget I even wrote this. I'll wake up late. I'll drink more coffee. Try to find something that will fill this hole. I'm tired of losing stuff, and I'm so scared that if I jump, that if I do what God tells me to do, I'll lose it all again. I get the feeling that it'll be okay, that I won't actually lose what is most important to me.
I'm back to not believing myself.
I need a rescue. I need an S.O.S. I'm a freaking mess, guys. How did I get here?
It's 6:15 in the morning, according to my box. Cold in the apartment. My socks are sweaty. I'm still in my dress, plus sweatpants since it's so chilly. Everything is off save for the music blaring in my ears. I want a nap, but I know I have to get this down before I fade out again.
I had another interesting night at work. Lots of phone calls. One person asked me why I was doing what I was doing. It left me kind of in shock. Tonight, on my lunch break, instead of walking on the treadmill, I ran. It felt good, the same way that the road beneath my wheels does.
I wish I could keep going into the past. Or, rather, make the past the present and the future. I wish I could go back to the Bible Study I led and not have the answers, so I could look them up on my own time. I want another snowball fight in the band field with Doug and Jake. I want another night in Bishop. I want to stay up and create music, even if it sucks and Garageband hates me. I want my world before I started making mistakes, before I started to keep trying my hand at this whole creation thing. I feel like I had everything in Oxford, and then little by little, I threw it all away. There are some things I will never get back, I know that for sure. But there are others I can try to reclaim.
Where did I cross the line? Perhaps it was when I moved to overnights and stopped going to church (always a bad sign). Perhaps it was when I stopped hanging out with people and started hanging out way too much with myself. Jessica's bridal shower got me both of those: with people I knew, and in a church. It was an insane culture shock, which was originally what got me thinking. Am I really happy now, on my own? No, I'm not. I can change things. I'm not a tree. I'm not stuck.
And yet, I'm programmed to. Instead of going to church, I will sleep. Instead of working on music, I will spend my days wandering around and watching TV and not cleaning my apartment (okay, some things never change.)
But you know what I really want? I want a sleepover with my freshman study girls. I want to go to Oxford and not skirt the line and have people actually know I'm there. I want to be real again. All I really really really REALLY wanna do is do what God wants me to do. I've known what that is for so long, and for some odd reason, I've always said no. Now I'm here and I'm miserable and I really just need to up and go, before I move even further away from Ohio and I totally miss my chance. I have cried more times tonight than I care to know. I cried at work. I didn't bawl, like I am now. But I am tired of this.
I don't think it's just April being April, either. I have a history of hating this month, but right now, all I hate is myself for making plans and hoping they will stick and believing in God's will when all along it's just me reacting to my surroundings. If I would just listen. If I would just listen. I am walking on freaking eggshells and I don't know what to do and I know what to do if I would just FREAKING do it!
But I won't. I'll go to bed and in the morning I'll totally forget I even wrote this. I'll wake up late. I'll drink more coffee. Try to find something that will fill this hole. I'm tired of losing stuff, and I'm so scared that if I jump, that if I do what God tells me to do, I'll lose it all again. I get the feeling that it'll be okay, that I won't actually lose what is most important to me.
I'm back to not believing myself.
I need a rescue. I need an S.O.S. I'm a freaking mess, guys. How did I get here?
no subject
Date: 2011-04-13 01:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-13 06:54 pm (UTC)I'm glad you're being honest with yourself, even if it's bringing you down a bit. You'll be okay. Just trust.